On tonight's Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend
On tonight’s show: Shira Lazar
So as you may have gleaned from Twitter today, the live haircut I was to be given on camera by a producer for The Daily Show won’t be happening because he’s flying to Vegas for a story (though he promises/threatens to drop into the chat room if his flight has wifi). My split ends are thankful for the temporary stay of execution.
I’m excited to welcome media empress and internet personality Shira Lazar whom you may recognize from Red Eye last night or her various appearances on just about everything. Seriously, she is everywhere, including my show tonight! Yay!
Also, Dustin will be dropping in. Double yay!
Also, I kind of want to talk a little about the weird cognitive dissonance I feel when thinking about Haiti for one minute and then getting distracted and thinking of a funny thing to tweet the next and then being like “Wait, but what about Haiti.” You know? Did that make any sense? It’s not dissimilar to what many of us felt after 9/11. So if you guys want to talk about this at all, we can, and if you’d rather keep things on a lighter note, we can do that too!
And of course we’ll be naming a couple plants. One is red and one is yellow. Go nuts!
The trouble with putting things in your mouth
I’ve put some things in my mouth today and it hasn’t gone well. First I made a salad with a bag of triple-washed lettuce only I think some other bag was probably washed six times and mine none because I found a bug in my salad and later a clump of dirt. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit the time between the bug and the dirt as it reveals that I picked the bug out and kept eating as opposed to shrieking, throwing the lettuce in the air and jumping up onto the couch as would be girly, however I’m not going to let a bug keep me from food. I am, however, going to let a mouthful of dirt keep me from food. GROSS I said, spitting out gritty mud chunks and throwing out the compromised lettuce. So then I put a Lean Cuisine dinner in the microwave—steak tips portobello which is 160 calories and always cracks me up because I imagine someone going for a manicure and asking for steak tips on their nails! HA!—and the gravy-esque sauce got all over the interior of the microwave because some loser (pssst…. it was me!) didn’t properly vent the film on top of the tray. What a bunch of bullshit!
The universe is trying to tell me that I need a personal chef, clearly.
Oh and one more thing about the trouble with putting stuff in my mouth: I dropped two blobs of the frozen dinner on myself. One on my fashionable sweatpants and one on my stylish t-shirt. Now I look fantastic but I smell like gravy! Or something which approximates gravy! Gravo!
In other news, big Ustream show on Wednesday! A producer for The Daily Show will trim my hair while I freak out. If you want to read up on how this came to be, I explain it in this post, beginning under the pic of Pat Kiernan.
Raynaud's Sydrome (plus gross hand pics, plus I might be a vampire)
Finding yourself unbearably attracted to me? Allow me to post some photos to cure you of this affliction.
So I suffer from something called Raynaud’s syndrome which is a somewhat common, not very serious circulation condition where when it’s really cold the capillaries in my extremities shut down, allowing me to complain a lot. Also, my fingers and toes go numb and lose color. I should pretty much always wear gloves however sometimes I don’t, which makes my parents yell at me from across the country. But the other day I was wearing gloves and it still happened in one finger, and in a way that was more uncomfortable than usual, prompting me to flop my waxen hand around in an attempt to get the blood to pump back into it, which was in vain, though I imagine I looked pretty cool. When I got home I decided to take a picture of it, in a desperate bid for sympathy and attention. Here’s the underside of my bloodless index finger. (more…)
Some shots from Friday's Red Eye
Here I am in the green room before Red Eye
Here I am saying something really intelligent.
Here I am about to lay into someone about something.
Here I am making some kind of gesture. (Seriously. I didn’t even know this was in my repertoire!)
Here I am doing a cartwheel.
Here I am showing off my homemade preserves.
Here I am in the car on the way home.
Joe made another funny video
Watch it if you enjoy laughing and being entertained.
NEW! Now you can chat 24/7 right on this site!
Oh yes, you heard that right! Click on this page and go to the chat room (it’s the chat room that appears on my Ustream page) and chat with fellow me fans ALL THE TIME! I’ll be dropping in and out.
Here’s the link. I also added it under the PAGES on the right side of this site.
You sign in with your Ustream login (you’ll be prompted to register if you haven’t already).
Here's how I read the weather forecast
Evidently three giant snowflakes will be falling around 5pm.
Despite what you might think…
The article above is not about earmuffs, it’s about winter strolls. I feel misled, as I could use an earmuff guide right about now. And I realize it sounds as if this whole thing is an extended joke, but it’s not! I truly need earmuffs! You know, muffs for my ears!