Subscribe to my Substack!!!!

Archive | wendy molyneux

Things I would rather do than clean my room

1. Stare at the mess

2. Write a blog post in list form

c. Entertain myself by going back and forth between numbers and letters

IV. Okay, now that’s going too far.

V. I said too far. Roman numeral humor is only funny to marble statues.

6. Listen to music (New Pornographers right now)

7. But I could totally clean while listening to music. That was the original plan.

8. To be fair, I did clean off my desk.

9. But some of it just got relocated to my bed.

10. Did I ever tell you that after college I slept for a number of months on a bed with a drawer full of crap sitting on one corner of the bed? It’s because we took the drawer out of the desk to make room for a filing cabinet or something, and didn’t have anywhere to put the drawer, so I set it on the bed and just learned to work around it. Also, at this time I had one of those wooden duck phones a la Silver Spoons that quacked when it rang—also its eyes lit up— but it didn’t sound like a duck. It sounded like Satan. It was really terrible. Anyway, I remember I was talking on the duck phone, sitting on the bed with the drawer nearby, setting up an interview for Rolling Stone or something and anyway I remember Wendy visited me that day and she said “Do you think anyone, when they’re talking to you, pictures you working in this environment?”

11. Okay, she didn’t say “environment” but that was the gist. And no, I don’t think they realized. I also don’t think people knew how young I was when I started. Except that I was really nice/eager, which gets beaten out of you quick.

12. Not me, I’m still nice/eager, except when I’m a total hardened bitch, but I mean, it gets beaten out of you.

13. No drawer on my bed today though. So you see: progress.

14. I’ve been in better moods.

15. I’ve also been in worse.

16. I have a lot of cords. And a lot of little thingies that I doubt I’ll ever use. Like do I need these various international plugs for my blackberry charger? I don’t think so. But it’s not like I can just throw them out, you know? Because you know what happens when you throw them out? You wake up in Paris without a cell phone cursing the last time you cleaned your room. Not making THAT mistake again.

17. I met Mo Rocca this morning. I was having a breakfast meeting, because that’s how I do, and the guy I was meeting knew Mo Rocca and anyway I was introduced and I said “I’m a fan,” because I am, and Mo seemed genuinely touched at my fandom. At my fanship? It’s interesting because were I Mo I would probably say something like “As well you should be” or something equally obnoxious.

18. Actually, that’s not true. Sometimes I say stuff like “Oh my Gosh, thanks!” but then this one time I got trapped at a party by someone who told me I was funny and I said “Oh my Gosh, thanks!” and then the person was like “what, are you surprised to find out you’re funny? you sound like you don’t think you are!”

19. It was an aggressive sort of complementary encounter.

20. I know I’m funny.

21. Perhaps not in this list.

22. The music stopped.

23. Mess still messy.

24. But I do feel we’ve gotten to know each other a bit better.

25. Don’t you?

26. Sorry, can’t hear you, thinking about myself again.

27. My sister had a barking dog phone, which also didn’t sound like a dog. When the phone rang in that house, it sounded like the caterwauling of the undead.

28. If the undead sounded vaguely like a dog and a duck.

29. The title of this post makes me sound 14.

30. Which is cool. Young is in.

31. Okay, I should really find new procrastination music.

Continue Reading

Wendy has a website for her book and she didn't even tell me

What kind of asshole doesn’t tell you about their fetching new website? It’s not like she’s afraid of being self-promotional. God, I think maybe she’s blog cheating on me. That’s the only explanation. I mean, I don’t really understand why that would account for her not telling me, nor do I really understand what “blog cheating” would be, but sometimes the least plausible explanation is the obvious one. In this case it’s not, but I’m not ruling it out either.

Continue Reading

Phoebish!

Because I post my chats with Wendy over here, by default, all other chats go here:

me:I can’t lie to my public. I’m like Eva Peron Andy: in many ways.

i’ve actually decided that your on-air persona is very phoebe-ish. phoebish?me: my california friends told me I reminded them of her too it’s my blond hair
Andy: yes, that’s it.
me: I don’t know if I see it
but I love Friends
so thank you
so but then if it’s my on air persona that would mean in real life I’m more like Joey?
Andy: no, you’re more like alison rosen.
especially the hair.
me: I love her!
except when she gets kind of
I don’t know the word
annoying
Andy: she’s great in small doses.

Continue Reading

The reading, the dream, the concourse, the chair

I went to Wendy‘s book reading last night but sadly got there after she’d already read because that’s the kind of friend I am. It’s the job, I tell you, I had to work late! I ran into another college friend who’s just given notice to go freelance. “So you can watch TV, sleep and get a puppy?” I asked. He said YES in a way that is more affirmative than just a simple YES would imply. More like YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “It’s the freelance dream,” I said, but up to that point I didn’t quite realize how much the dog is part of everyone’s freelance dream. And no, I’m not living that dream, but that’s okay too because I have a jade plant named Fred and am working on a chest infection. Not really! Mom and Dad, if you’re reading this, I feel a little hoarse and my throat hurts but chest infection really is going too far.

Today I discovered the labrynthian shopping concourse beneath the building I’m now working in which connects to the subway! I thought this would be a way to avoid the elements but it’s pretty cold down there. Still, if it had been snowing I would have avoided the snow—except I left after the subway entrance closed. But I went to the underground Duane Reade earlier in the day and enjoyed the frigid covered access. On my way out of the building I stopped by the Red Eye green room, making my evening rounds, to say hello to my favorite makeup and hair people and anyone else I might know in there. I think I actually walked in and said “hi, I came to brighten your evening with the joy that is my presence.” Then I complained for about 15 minutes and left. Not really. 12 minutes. Thursday I’ll be in the hot girl chair I think, which is good except it means I can’t wear my usual waist-down attire of hotpants and thigh high boots, which is what I’m always wearing in the newsroom when you just see me from chest up. Dang!

Continue Reading

I think

it’s funny when people stand gloves up on things so it looks like they’re waving. For example there is a glove standing up on the ledge above the mailboxes downstairs in my building and it made the experience of checking my mail, and discovering that 290 buckaroos of a health claim weren’t covered because reason number code here etc a little friendlier.

Also I took my sad little bundle of laundry to the place across the street this morning hoping to get it there in time to get it back today but I’d missed the cut off. I asked the woman what time they could have it tomorrow. She answered and I frowned. She paused and then told me to try the place next door because they can have it done in time. It was all very Miracle on 34th Street but with more socks.

Finally I’m gearing up to write a big FAQ about the current events of my life. I probably won’t actually do this. But wouldn’t it be awesome if I did?

Oh and Wendy and I posted!

Continue Reading

Chats and books

Wendy and I did more chatting today. We try to put up some posts every day so if you aren’t already in the habit of clicking over there, you should be! We talked before the horrible Heath Ledger news though, so these are more about Oscar noms and bowl cuts. And abortions. You know, fun stuff. Also, Wendy has a book out right now. That means I know two people with books out. You should buy their books. I haven’t seen the final editions of either book but I saw early versions of both, because I’m so special and important that of course people want to consult me and get my opinion. (I told Wendy to make hers more pink and I told Greg to make his a coloring book.)

Continue Reading

Tobey, bricks, Top Shaman

Wendy and I put up a new post today. Perhaps you’ve already read it. If you haven’t, head over there to take in my inability to speak my mind over very small things involving people I don’t know that well. Fun! Other things going on? Well I haven’t received my daily Tobey update so I don’t know if he’s still trying to eat bricks, which is not a euphemism for eating his euphemistic Tobeys, but apparently he was actually trying to eat bricks yesterday. Naturally, I think this is cute (from 3000 miles away). So mom, if you’re reading this: Tobey update and photos and video, please! Tobey should have his own blog, really.

Also, a whole lot of stuff gets said during the commercial breaks while filming Red Eye and I always think I should remember it so I can repeat it here and note the way you probably had to be there. Last night I told Dr. Baden I’d enjoyed a nutritive enema* during the break and then I resumed my original seat (I’d vacated the seat so he could sit there during his segment). While waiting for filming to begin again Bill said something about someone being a showman. Greg said “and a shaman!” right as I said roughly the same thing. Bill looked disgusted and I have to admit I also had that sinking feeling that comes when two great minds produce less than one joke. Or maybe it was that I then mentioned Jim Morrison. Then Greg started joking about Top Shaman and also talking about Top Ramen and I said something about prophetic noodles.

*it was something he’d talked about in his segment, not something I enjoyed during the break

Continue Reading

She totally believed that I didn't know who the Wiggles were!

My friend Wendy and I are so in love with our own musings that we decided to share them! On a blog! No, for truly! http://alisonandwendy.tumblr.com/

Now, some background: Wendy and I went to college together. We were both English majors. We had a friend who we called the MPG, or Modern Poetry Gestapo, because he got very upset with me one day when I didn’t finish all the reading. While in college Wendy did improv and hated scatological humor. I had a pet rabbit and liked scatological humor. Also, I had a lot of candles. Now Wendy lives on the West Coast with her husband. They both write for TV and perform. I live on the East Coast and make homemade krullers.*

*oh, like there are any other kind of krullers

p.s. I don’t make krullers.

Continue Reading

Site: Todd Jackson | Art Direction: Josh Holtsclaw | Original Logo: Kezilla | Show Music: Tom Rapp