So usually I use this space for writing funny lists and being intentionally obnoxious but I found out this morning that my best friend growing up died in a skydiving accident. My first thought was “I will be ok,” which perhaps sounds selfish, except I lost someone close to me ten years ago and it completely upended my life (in certain ways it still has) and so I think the first thought was a reflexive self-preservation sort of reassurance. Like “Don’t worry, it’s not happening all over again.” Except if I remember correctly, which I do, my first thought when anyone close to me dies is “you’re ok, you’re ok, you’re ok” which I’m beginning more and more to think is strictly reflex and I realize I’m now going in thought circles. Like my brain is assessing the damage: you’re still breathing. Also, it’s probably akin to denial. Like “this isn’t happening this isn’t happening this isn’t happening.”
Because the truth is that I don’t really feel ok. Not at all.
And I’m confused too and unsure what to do with grief/mourning/loss of someone who wasn’t a part of your daily life. I mean, one one level, the main level, it’s just fucking sad. She was young and young people shouldn’t die, certainly not in freak accidents like this. And then on another level, the me level, I don’t know what to do with this other than cry, which I’m doing now.
