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This is one of those blog posts where I write about what I’m going to write about. Like a to do list in a post! Here’s what you have to look forward to:

an explanation of why I have two of the world’s ugliest digital watches

a discussion of lame air instruments (maybe)

some pictures from Red Eye

a video of Anna and me after Red Eye

videos of Dustin and me

more me me me me me

a veritable me-palooza

a picture of me in the green room of Red Eye plus some screen grabs plus clips

um, there was something else

oh yes! I figured out what kind of dog I want! it’s a Bolognese. A dog covered in meat sauce!

sadly I seem to have settled on a dog which not only isn’t in shelters but isn’t really in America. I mean, it is, but it’s a rare breed and super expensive and I’m sure there’s a wait list and it’s not really realistic and so I won’t be getting this dog, I’ll just be blogging about it. Damn you, page 47 of the AKC dog book!

it wasn’t really page 47, I just made that up because I’m too lazy to go get the book and see what page this dog is on

have I discussed with you guys the way I keep moving the jokes around in my stand up set as if somehow I’m going to find the perfect formula? I’m truly fixing what isn’t broken and also driving myself nuts. And when I say fixing what isn’t broken that’s because obviously my stand up set is perfect as is and very funny. If you were to hear it you would probably die of laughter. You would asphyxiate on hilarity. You would choke on chuckles. You would gag on guffaws. You would triangulate on titters. If you were to recover you would probably point out that triangulate on titters makes no sense but you wouldn’t have a chance to recover because you’d be laughing too much.

Is there some kind of game going on? I hear game type cheers.

oh and Happy Easter!

I mentioned a cheap digital watch I use to time things in the last post. Here it is. Still accidentally set to wake me up at three am until the day I die.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

While rifling through my nightstand drawer just now I smelled something which suddenly reminded me of the way Woofie, my first dog, used to smell. It’s sort of disturbing that a Woofie odor wafted out of my nightstand but it made me happy nonetheless.

In other news I’m home from doing Red Eye and I’m good but kind of strangely banged up feeling due to aforementioned armpit trauma plus a headache plus I cut my head on a spoon (it’s a long story, one I talked about on Red Eye. Ok fine it’s a short ridiculous story) and also I ate some eggplant and apparently I’m allergic to eggplant or something else in the dish because the inside of my mouth sat up and said howdy if by that you mean got all inflamed. So yeah, I’ve been better. On the upside, I’ve taken the makeup off which is always a pain in the heinie. Heiney? Hiney?

Also I have this cheap digital watch here on my desk that I was using to time my stand up set and somehow in the course of figuring out how to use the stopwatch feature I’ve set the alarm and I can’t figure out how to turn it off. I’m thinking I might take a hammer to it. Or put it in the freezer. Or just yell at it.

I thought it wasn’t going to run for a couple weeks but look, here it is! Yay for me!

http://mcsweeneys.net/links/yourmoney/7column2.html

In other news I performed stand up twice this week in preparation for an upcoming audition. Am I innocent and naive and bumbling and lovable? Or am I knowing and sarcastic? This seems to be what I’m trying to determine. I have jokes which skew both ways and I’m worried the knowing ones are undermining the innocent bumbling ones. Hm. But aside from that it’s been pretty fun. And honestly, quite easy. Unless that makes me sound not grizzled and tortured enough in which case it’s been super painful and arduous. Grizzled? Huh?

direct your eyes to the lower right, won’t you?

Is Brooklyn Allergy Garden funnier? Brooklyn pollen garden? Histaminoligical society? Snifflemark status?
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

So I’m at the drugstore buying Spenda tablets which I switched to from packets because they’re easier to melt down and turn into bathtub methamphetamine when I overhear one of the cashiers repeatedly saying to the other one, “What flavor do you got? What flavor do you got?” I have my head down because I’m paying with my ATM card and I’m typing in the code on the little LCD screen but the insistent way she’s asking is not unlike how I pester my sister when I ask her a question and she doesn’t answer. Mind you, I’m the older one.

Anyway, so she’s asking the other cashier what flavor hers is and I’m imagining they’re talking about Jolly Ranchers or sports drinks. That’s what I’m picturing.

“You always carry it in your purse?” asks the cashier. At this point I look up and see the other one holding this, clearly embarrassed:

“You spray it on your thing…” she hisses.

I have two things to say.

1. This Meyer’s countertop spray in basil scent which I bought because I liked the packaging doesn’t really work in terms of cleaning but boy, it sure smells good!

2. I passed a second hand furniture place today and there was a table on display with a small sticker in the corner which said “top potatoes.” It drew me in because it made no sense. Upon closer examination I saw that it said “top rotates.” The whole thing reminded me of “easy pickles.”

Wendy and I chatted about pants.

Also, I’m on Red Eye tonight.

Also, my toe kind of hurts.

Also, I’m uploading a couple videos of Diana Falzone and me right now but they are taking forever. FOREVER!

So many things you guys! I think this calls for a list.

1. Wendy and I chatted today and whilst chatting she posted because she’s stealthy like that. She also taught me a new word: perseverate. This is a big deal because basically wherever I am I’m pretty sure I’m the smartest person in the room. It’s just the way it is. Does it sound vain? It should. But Wendy has now taught me three words I didn’t know so I think she might be smarter than I am. Dustin taught me one word I didn’t know. I always remember where I learn words. I often forget who I sleep with though.

2. The words were perseverate, herding cats (the phrase. It’s funny story because I told Wendy that I overheard someone saying working with someone was like “working with cats” and Wendy asked if the person said “herding cats” and explained that it’s a phrase). The other word was… hm… something you carry people around on. Like a rickshaw but not. Apparently that one didn’t take.

3. Dustin taught me the word concatenate. If I had more energy I would link to all these words but I don’t. My links aren’t very hyper today.

4. My McSweeney’s thing is up: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/yourmoney/

5. I’m really excited about the second installment of the above column which I’ve already written and is apparently in the queueueueueueueue.

6. That’s how you spell that word, duh!

7. I’m going to two parties tonight. TWO. Who’s fancy? I am.

8. So I’ve been given the opportunity to be one of those comics who comments on celebrity fashion disasters in Life & Style magazine. I’m brushing off my zingers and my ripsnorters as we speak. I have to send them a headshot though. Which one should I use? Help me decide! It will be small and black & white.

9. I’d just go with the first one except an agent once told me it didn’t accurately reflect my personality. It’s all I can do not to post the duckling photo right here right now, by the way.

10. If there’s another photo you think I should use, let me know.

11. Um, what else? Hm. Oh! Well I was working on my stand up set because I’m going to audition for a potential regular slot at a comedy club MAYBE and it turns out I’m pretty heavy on the pedophilia jokes. Who knew? Is that my niche? The super messed up twisted niche? It’s so not what I expected of myself. I may have to abandon all that and instead go in the other direction: jokes about carob.

12. Oh yeah so the store I go to sells zucchini but calls it green squash and I would like to know why. Does zucchini only refer to something specific, like champagne? Does it refer to squash that comes from the zucchi region?

14. See what I did there, number wise?

15. I guess I don’t have anything else to say.