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Julia Allison stole my catchphrase!

I have two catchphrases. They are: 1) I’m sorry, is my talking getting in the way of your interrupting? which I used on Red Eye when a certain Sherrod Small was talking over me and 2) Don’t spit in my eye and call it bukkake! which is a line from my stand up routine. I’m sorry if this is your first encounter with the term bukkake. My dad thought it was “some kind of Polynesian flower.” That was an awkward conversation. Oh and I suppose, Oh hey, I didn’t see you there, which I use in my intros on The Daily Alison has catchphrase potential. What might you catch with these phrases?

lint

bugs

heat

flak

fly balls

hair

paperclips

crumbs

spinach

arugula

frisee salad

fool’s gold

dried flowers

those pieces of paper from spiral notebooks that are left behind when you pull out a sheet so I guess you’d call it squiggly paper. I mean, you wouldn’t but I would.

tinsel

Wait, this post is going in one direction and I’m going in another. What I meant to say is that I don’t actually use these catchphrases however I have them at the ready in case my career takes me to some kind of place where it’s necessary that I emblazon a t-shirt with a catchphrase. I’m so ready, Beefy T manufacturers.

Anyhoozles, last weekend I went to the Webutante Ball which was this party thing in New York at the Empire Hotel on the roof. Care to hear about the weird thing that happened before we got to the roof? Yes, yes you would. And so you shall.

So we’re standing in the back of the semi-long line and a guy comes out and asks how many are in our party and then whisks us to the front of the line, past all the people who are lined up inside (including some of the web celebs nominated for Webutante king and queen) and straight to the elevator. “What just happened?” asked my friend. “Wait, how did that just happen?” she asked again. I also don’t know. I mean, I was wearing my look-at-me-I’m-important jacket but usually it isn’t jackets that get people to the front of a line. It’s tits. You know? Anyway, perhaps he thought we were someone else but regardless, it was better than waiting in line.

So we got to the rooftop and it was crowded and at one point we were pushing our way through the people to get to the other side of the party and as we were making our way over I saw a flash of a rhinestone tiara and heard a throaty, “HEY I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER!” and then suddenly there was whole bunch of poofy fushcia fabric headed my way and it was Julia Allison pointing at me and then giving me a crunchy fuschia hug as if we were long lost friends which we aren’t although in general I do prefer a big show of friendliness from someone I don’t know that well to a show of bitchiness from someone I do. That said, I do know her well enough that we used to occasionally get each other’s fan mail and used to be mistaken for each other which I never knew how to take. On the one hand I was flattered. On the other I was, um… I was wishing that people just mistook me for me. And to be fair, I’m not sure the fabric was crunchy. I don’t think it was taffeta. It’s just that it all happened so fast and then I asked if she’d won Webutante Ball queen or just brought her own tiara (it was the latter) and then she told me she’d recently watched my reel and stole one of my jokes. Hold it right there sister, I said out loud in my head. Turns out it was the “Is my talking getting in the way of your interrupting?” line and she said she’d used it in conversation with friends. I told her I’d be checking for my residual check when I got home.

I’m home now and I don’t see the check. Also would it have killed you to clean up a little around here? This is ridiculous. I also never said that, but I’m happy if people steal my jokes so long as they amend them with, “As the great Alison Rosen always says, [CATCHPHRASE HERE]” Snappy, don’t you think?

Anyway, tune in to tomorrow’s episode of The Daily Alison to see if I call Julia Allison on this catchphrase-lifting business although I can tell you right now I don’t.

That was a truly horrendous tease.

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A link to all the crap I wrote on the TONYblog

Check it out! It’s all here and it’s fabulous if I do say so myself but then of course I’d say that because I’m fairly self-smitten. Anyway, the backstory is that when I worked at Time Out New York I was asked to hatch their then brand-new blog. I sat on it like it was my own and then I lovingly barfed up worms and seed into its mouth.

In other news, I’m now the proud owner of curtains. They’re  hanging in my windows right this very minute. Don’t be jealous, curtain-less brethren.

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Hi, I'm a trash magnet

I have a problem throwing stuff out as evidenced both by the fact that I don’t even own a real trash can and the clanging sound out I make when I walk into a room. “Oh, don’t mind me,” I say, laughing at the empty tuna cans and balls of tinfoil which have adhered to my backside like unconventional wind chimes. I was going to refer to them as foul-smelling wind chimes but the thing is that of course I rinse out the cans before sticking them on my butt. I’m not some kind of idiot.

Anyway, I loved this post by Chris Hardwick. Any day now I’m totally going to take it to heart.

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Let's talk trash

When my sister and I filed for our imaginary trial separation she kept the garbage can and I kept the cheese grater. I don’t grate cheese but I’ll be damned if she’s going to get everything, you know? And since then I’ve had this situation going on.

7

Every time Dustin sees it he says, “I see you still have the hanging trash bags.” It’s almost as if he finds it unsightly. The truth is that I also find it unsightly though and so I need to get a real adult trash can. One that smokes and drinks but also goes to bed early. I’m thinking I want one of those fancy stainless steel numbers with the pedal. They’re expensive though and I don’t want to throw my money away. Get it? A trash joke!

So here’s where I turn to my trusty readership or refuse-familiar dude bros to ask for some suggestions for what kind of can I should get. Won’t this be fun? I think so! Sort of like when I went insane with the couch. Yay for us all!

And I’ve already lined up a special guest for today’s vlog! Woohoo!

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I'm a fan of people who are into me

I’m a big fan of people who are into me. I just find we share a similar outlook on life and I suspect our value system looks something like this:

1. Alison

2. Alison-related stuff

3. Ducklings (optional)

So when I received an email from a delightful young woman asking if I could sign a bday card for  her friend who’s a fan, how could I possibly say no? I mean, of course I responded and demanded a hefty fee and that she fax the request to my team of handlers, and then of course I castigated her for not going through the proper channels from the beginning, but once my handlers delivered the request to me while I received my daily individual follicle deep conditioning treatment (that’s where they put the conditioner on each individual strand of hair and then wrap each strand of hair in foil and then you cross your fingers there’s no lightening) and I had time to process it while listening to nature sounds and being fanned with a giant palm frond as is my way, I said “Of course!”

Here’s the bday gal’s blog write up.

As a side note: isn’t “gal” a funny word? I find gal often is preceded by “neat.” As in: She’s a “neat gal.” I can remember my 7th grade science teacher who was kind of handsome guy describing another teacher that way and then I wondered if he had feelings for this neat gal.

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UPDATE: Where not to see me tonight

In the last post I said I might be on Geraldo tonight but as it turns out I won’t be. I felt it would be shallow and tragic if I didn’t inform you guys. You know? I felt it would be mercenary and enviable if I just left it at that. Am I making myself clear? I felt it would be autocratic and speedy if I dropped out of sight. Capice? I felt it would be bombastic and screwball if I didn’t follow up. You read me? I felt it would be wet and herb-crusted if I didn’t circle back. You know? I felt it would be hexagonal and steadfast if I didn’t keep you in the loop. You dig? I felt it would be glittery and redolent if I didn’t keep you posted. Okey dokey?

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Name my daily vlog

So I just interviewed my dad on speaker phone for the first installment of my daily vlog. But what should I be calling these daily bits of magic? The Rosen Show? Alison’s Daily Vlog? Something else? Let me know if you have any suggestions and then we can all vote on them or something fun like that!

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Serena's imaginary graduation cap

Last night while the rest of the world watched American Idol I showed what a true iconoclast I am by watching an episode of Gossip Girl I’d recorded earlier in the week. The world zigs, I zag. I’m just that rebellious. So here’s what I want to know: why wasn’t Serena wearing a graduation cap? Everyone else was but silly Serena had her tassle tied into her hair. I really don’t think that kind of thing would fly at Constance. If anyone can answer this question for me I promise I will, um, stop asking about it. Otherwise I might just have to ask and ask and ask and ask and it will get really annoying. Unless I just forget about it entirely which is also possible.

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