Here I am smiling.
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The Sentimentalist
My friend Wendy Molyneux and her husband Jeff Drake and Brooke Dillman and Tuc Watkins made this hilarious video which I think you should watch if you enjoy laughing. If you don’t enjoy laughing, then please dip into my archives and read about when I nearly choked to death on a pickle.
Things I said goodbye to this morning
Well it’s finally happened. Despite the fact that I’m hugely successful and everything’s all aces and shit’s going gangbusters and my greatest problem is that my wallet is too small to accommodate all my money (it’s like a fat lettuce sandwich… especially since last night I replaced the cash inside with lettuce) I had to call up the cable company and downgrade because I decided that a fun thing to do would be to pinch pennies.
Seriously, don’t throw anything at me right now because I won’t be able to catch it because my hands are busy pinching pennies.
So goodbye Hallmark Channel which I used to MASH on. Goodbye BIO channel which I always meant to watch more especially since I’m on you the time. Goodbye DIY channel—perhaps the cruelest salutation of them all since I enjoyed many of your shows even if I sometimes liked the before bathroom better than the after. Goodbye G4, which I also never really watched but enjoyed having the option of watching. Goodbye Travel channel—I never watched you and I’m sorry about that. What can I say now to make it ok? You deserved better. Goodbye National Geographic Channel—wait, maybe this isn’t goodbye? I hope not because I like The Dog Whisperer however if this is goodbye, please think of me fondly and I promise to do the same. Goodbye MTV2, Fuse, Reelz and all the HD channels. Maybe I should have appreciated you more while I still had you? Still, you were a comforting presence and now you just stare at me blankly, flashing that number I can call to purchase you. I will not be beguiled! Nor will I be seduced. We had our time together and it was sweet but I have to move on.
God, when will the pain stop? It’s been a good hour or more yet I’m still stuck in that place, thinking about the past.
The Daily Alison (Where Amy Schumer went to Bonnaroo)
Go here to find out more about the hilarious Amy Schumer.
And pretty soon I’ll be posting videos here so go there and look around and get used to things and make yourself comfortable, won’t you? (note: it’s currently being tinkered with by the amazing Andrew Mager so it might look weird if you click now but DO IT ANYWAY I dare you.)
Also, if you’re the twittering kind please retweet because the more people who watch The Daily Alison, the happier everyone in the entire world will be. I’m sure of it!
A note about today's Daily Alison
I think it’s going to go up later in the day so you should probably sit home and repeatedly refresh this page. Go ahead, cancel all your plans, I’ll wait.
My guest is someone who has real voiceover experience though… so you should already be excited. Are you? I am. I’m easily excitable though. Some might even say jumpy.
Also, I’m closing in on purchasing a REAL trash can!
Julia Allison stole my catchphrase!
I have two catchphrases. They are: 1) I’m sorry, is my talking getting in the way of your interrupting? which I used on Red Eye when a certain Sherrod Small was talking over me and 2) Don’t spit in my eye and call it bukkake! which is a line from my stand up routine. I’m sorry if this is your first encounter with the term bukkake. My dad thought it was “some kind of Polynesian flower.” That was an awkward conversation. Oh and I suppose, Oh hey, I didn’t see you there, which I use in my intros on The Daily Alison has catchphrase potential. What might you catch with these phrases?
lint
bugs
heat
flak
fly balls
hair
paperclips
crumbs
spinach
arugula
frisee salad
fool’s gold
dried flowers
those pieces of paper from spiral notebooks that are left behind when you pull out a sheet so I guess you’d call it squiggly paper. I mean, you wouldn’t but I would.
tinsel
Wait, this post is going in one direction and I’m going in another. What I meant to say is that I don’t actually use these catchphrases however I have them at the ready in case my career takes me to some kind of place where it’s necessary that I emblazon a t-shirt with a catchphrase. I’m so ready, Beefy T manufacturers.
Anyhoozles, last weekend I went to the Webutante Ball which was this party thing in New York at the Empire Hotel on the roof. Care to hear about the weird thing that happened before we got to the roof? Yes, yes you would. And so you shall.
So we’re standing in the back of the semi-long line and a guy comes out and asks how many are in our party and then whisks us to the front of the line, past all the people who are lined up inside (including some of the web celebs nominated for Webutante king and queen) and straight to the elevator. “What just happened?” asked my friend. “Wait, how did that just happen?” she asked again. I also don’t know. I mean, I was wearing my look-at-me-I’m-important jacket but usually it isn’t jackets that get people to the front of a line. It’s tits. You know? Anyway, perhaps he thought we were someone else but regardless, it was better than waiting in line.
So we got to the rooftop and it was crowded and at one point we were pushing our way through the people to get to the other side of the party and as we were making our way over I saw a flash of a rhinestone tiara and heard a throaty, “HEY I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER!” and then suddenly there was whole bunch of poofy fushcia fabric headed my way and it was Julia Allison pointing at me and then giving me a crunchy fuschia hug as if we were long lost friends which we aren’t although in general I do prefer a big show of friendliness from someone I don’t know that well to a show of bitchiness from someone I do. That said, I do know her well enough that we used to occasionally get each other’s fan mail and used to be mistaken for each other which I never knew how to take. On the one hand I was flattered. On the other I was, um… I was wishing that people just mistook me for me. And to be fair, I’m not sure the fabric was crunchy. I don’t think it was taffeta. It’s just that it all happened so fast and then I asked if she’d won Webutante Ball queen or just brought her own tiara (it was the latter) and then she told me she’d recently watched my reel and stole one of my jokes. Hold it right there sister, I said out loud in my head. Turns out it was the “Is my talking getting in the way of your interrupting?” line and she said she’d used it in conversation with friends. I told her I’d be checking for my residual check when I got home.
I’m home now and I don’t see the check. Also would it have killed you to clean up a little around here? This is ridiculous. I also never said that, but I’m happy if people steal my jokes so long as they amend them with, “As the great Alison Rosen always says, [CATCHPHRASE HERE]” Snappy, don’t you think?
Anyway, tune in to tomorrow’s episode of The Daily Alison to see if I call Julia Allison on this catchphrase-lifting business although I can tell you right now I don’t.
That was a truly horrendous tease.
A link to all the crap I wrote on the TONYblog
Check it out! It’s all here and it’s fabulous if I do say so myself but then of course I’d say that because I’m fairly self-smitten. Anyway, the backstory is that when I worked at Time Out New York I was asked to hatch their then brand-new blog. I sat on it like it was my own and then I lovingly barfed up worms and seed into its mouth.
In other news, I’m now the proud owner of curtains. They’re hanging in my windows right this very minute. Don’t be jealous, curtain-less brethren.
Hi, I'm a trash magnet
I have a problem throwing stuff out as evidenced both by the fact that I don’t even own a real trash can and the clanging sound out I make when I walk into a room. “Oh, don’t mind me,” I say, laughing at the empty tuna cans and balls of tinfoil which have adhered to my backside like unconventional wind chimes. I was going to refer to them as foul-smelling wind chimes but the thing is that of course I rinse out the cans before sticking them on my butt. I’m not some kind of idiot.
Anyway, I loved this post by Chris Hardwick. Any day now I’m totally going to take it to heart.
The Daily Alison (Bad Alison! And the return of the quiz)
If you need more Robert Giampa, here’s the two of us talking about Rosenation and “the magic face.”
The Daily Alison (Where we look back at some recent intros)
Do you love visual puns and physical comedy? Then please love this video. In other news, I’m wearing my retainers right now for the first time in awhile, hence the lisp and the drooling. (Not in the video, but right now.) It’s pretty hot.