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Some of you may be familiar with my incredibly terrible ideas for pun-based cartoons. Remind me tonight on the Ustream show to tell you of my latest. It’s so bad it makes me cringe.

In other news, I’m wearing a turtleneck, sweatpants, fuzzy slippers and I have on no makeup which can only mean one thing: I  have a  hot date with the internet tonight and that means all of you! We’ll be chatting with the lovely Natali Del Conte and Dustin Goot will be dropping by. You can watch here or here (please note fancy new Facebook page!).

Here’s a picture of Natali and me because you love pictures.

And here’s a photo of me looking smarmy on Hannity last week. It’s unrelated but I just found it and thought it deserved airing out.

Let’s not even get into my sun yellow teeth in the above photo, let’s just go straight to the way the shadows make it look as if MC Escher has been doodling on my neck. Hot!

Also, I think my quick-tempered, overly familiar friend at the grocery store and I are going to need to break up because he kind of yelled in my direction  yesterday about pumpkin. The man is passionate about squash, which I understand, but still.

Also, when did Pepcid start targeting the goth market? This is a still from a commercial last night.

Because  goths suffer emotional and physical heartburn? Is Pepcid making some kind of meta joke? Can someone get to the bottom of this?

And finally, I  just agreed to appear on Fox News’s Strategy Room this Friday at 1pm for Bill Schulz’s magazine chat show (with fellow scribes Dan Bova, Noelle Hancock, John DeVore, Dawn Yanek and Steve Kandell whom I know from when we were both struggling freelancers who’d just arrived in New York) which is likely not its official name. Anyone know what its official name is? In lieu of an answer, let’s call it the Alison Rosen Hour. P.S. Let’s not tell Bill.

One more thing, I  just cleaned my bathroom and man alive does it reek of cleanliness in here. Like too much. A kind of cleanliness that’s burning my eyes and nose and mouth. Whoever recommended scrubbing with an onion was an idiot.

See you guys tonight!

I just had the most amazing conversation at the grocery store. As you know and are likely sick of hearing, I’m particular about milk and was drinking a certain kind which is no longer available so then I was at sea, milk wise, but now I’ve become a fan of a particular kind of Almond Milk. It’s the unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk from Blue Diamond in the refrigerated carton.

delightful

Blue Diamond also makes the product in shelf-stable containers but the refrigerated tastes better thanks to the addition of calcium carbonate which is chalk. Apparently I like chalk in my fake milk.

good but needs chalk

Anyway, I’m at the store and the guy who works there, the one who often inquires how I’m feeling leading me to wonder if I look sickly, is stocking stuff  near the milk. I pick up a carton and tell him I’m feeling fine and then decide that I may as well indicate my love of this milk so they’ll keep it in stock. “I’m a fan of this milk!” I announce.

“Shhhh,” he says.

“I know!” I say, having no idea what he’s talking about.

“You know how you get, boo,” he responds.

“Yeah. Don’t want to jinx it!” I say, taking a stab.

I’m reminded of the time I took a ballet class which was far too advanced for me and everyone was doing the routine one by one across the floor and then it was my turn and I had no idea how it went so I just kind of flailed across the room and added my own little flourishes in time with the music, hoping my interpretation of the moves might somehow link up with the actual moves by sheer force of will.

Of course they did not.

Back to the milk conversation.

I kind of love that anyone is calling me “boo” and professes to know how I get! I don’t even know how I get or what exactly  I’m getting a certain way about, but I’m flattered nonetheless.

Please stop kind of having my face. Thank you.

Blurry post-show shot with Ralph Reed on the left and Steve Murphy on the right which is the reverse of how they feel politically.

I’m on Hannity tonight at 9pm ET on Fox News so please watch that and then perhaps love or hate me and then come here and join in the Alison Rosen Live Show (at 10pm ET) which is probably the most fun thing you could imagine times a zillion.

As you guys know, tomorrow is another live Ustream chat (at 10pm EST/7pm PST). I couldn’t be more excited if I’d had all my internal organs removed and replaced with butterflies. In fact, I think I might do that. Instead of being an organ donor I’ll be an organ trader. Or an organ exchanger. Or someone who’s using an organ bartering system. But not an organ traitor. I would never betray my organs.

You can RSVP here. Do it!!!!!!

Last time some of you suggested we decide on some topics ahead of time. I think that’s a fabulous suggestion so why don’t you guys let me know what you think we should talk about? What’s on your minds?

We get an extra hour tomorrow right? If not, my calendar is lying to me and I’m going to have to give it a stern talking to.

Anyway, I can’t figure out what to do with my extra  hour! I could use it right away on something I wouldn’t normally do with my time, like work, or I could save it for a rainy day or maybe I should just put in the bank where it’ll accrue a few seconds every year and by the time I retire it’ll be about an hour and two minutes?

What are you guys going to do with yours?

Hey you guys. Last night’s live Ustream broadcast was super fun so if you missed it you are likely kicking yourself as well you should. Allow me to recap? First of all, it was amazing and I had a live in studio audience of stuffed animals as well as a live internet audience that was much larger than I’d expected. At times there were hundreds of people watching live at the same time and 4165 unique views for the broadcast. I think that’s pretty high but I’m not super versed in all this so if that number isn’t impressive do me a favor and quadruple it and then tell all your friends. (Just kidding. OR AM I?) (I am.)

We chatted with the lovely Diana Falzone who is hosting a Halloween party at Scores which is a strip club. We also named some inanimate objects including my portable desk fan. (We didn’t come to a consensus but Fanny and Blade were in the lead.) We chatted about my shirts, which also have names, and we talked about animals and animal names. We also talked about music and movies and we kicked some people out of the chat room which was pretty fun.

I was overjoyed to see familiar faces in the chat room and to meet all the new people.

Also, we learned how to say goodbye in Dutch. Goede Avond!

And I almost forgot: We were officially stumped by a Facts of Life trivia question but someone in the chat room knew the answer! That was fun. Do keep those questions coming.

If I had more time right now I would make little highlights of all the moments mentioned above however I don’t have that time right now but you can see everything in slightly less curated form here: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/alison-rosen-live-show

Hey you guys,

I’m working on a book proposal right now so I’m severely limiting my access to fun—I had to put Chutes & Ladders in the freezer and I flushed my Mad Libs—which is why I haven’t been blogging as often as I usually do and also why my Daily Alisons have been even less daily than their usual slightly-less-than-dailyness. And then there’s the live Ustream show about which I have two thoughts. 1) I really need to set a schedule for that fucker and stick to it. 2) Instead of naming it The Alison Rosen Live Show I should have named it Daily Alison Live. I tend to have the second thought when I’m showering. In fact I ALWAYS have that thought while I’m showering which means I have it at least a couple times a week.

Just kidding. I shower daily even though right now I have one of those irritating shower liners that sticks to me when  I’m taking a shower, leaving me needing to shower after I shower. “Get off me, you clingy needy bitch!” I usually yell while showering. It’s relaxing.

So but anyway I miss you guys so I don’t think I’ll be able to stay away for much longer. Think of you guys as me in a shower and me as that shower curtain liner.

And now a question: Do you guys listen to music when you’re working and if so what do you listen to?

Alison