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It’s hard to believe I still haven’t had gay chicken. Here’s the interview.

If a man’s reach doesn’t extend his grasp, what’s a step stool for?

like laundry and flirtation. sadly I think that might have been drakkar. it’s weird how high school informs so many of your associations. but it felt very potentially-exciting-in-a-back-to-school-way, which is in stark contrast to the way New York usually feels around this time of year which is stagnant and like death and melting cassette tapes in the back of a car. actually it didn’t feel exciting, because it’s hot and gross, but it smelled exciting. this is why I get paid the small bucks to be a writer.

Dear Mouse,
Please leave my apartment you tiny furry bastard. I was unhappy to find you hanging out brazenly on my stove and slightly disgusted when the sight of me kind of waving my hands in the air and saying “uh….uh…. uh…” while debating whether to try to trap you with an overturned box or hit you with something which I couldn’t really do caused you to slither down into the body of the stove. A braver person than I would have actually lifted up the top of the stove but I couldn’t do it. Instead I decided all my cooking tonight would happen in the microwave even though I’ve lost my appetite. Is that you crawling up my leg? This will be the first of twelve thousand times I wonder that. Anyway, enjoy your stove furlough you horrible horrible pointy faced jerk.
Alison

So I promised that I’d give you the behind-the-scenes rundown each time I do a TV appearance and already I’ve fallen behind. You were right to turn your back on me years ago, adoring public. But see I had to change desks at work and I’m changing rooms in my apartment and while these two mini moves hardly add up to anything like a real move they’re still unsettling enough to make me clam up. Did that sound like a real excuse? Because it was hardly one. But I’ll rectify this soon I promise. Expect duck jokes and more. Plus clips!

(from the TONYblog….)

this is a test of my embedding skills: “hey, that vlog looks very becoming on you…”

How creepy is Friday the 13th? Not very, but that’s just because my efforts at scaring you seem to annoy you more than anything. You’re so short-fused today. Would it kill you to pretend? I want you to ponder that while you’re out there getting drunk and hooking up this weekend.

Hello. I like what you’ve done with your hair. Should you be near a television set or recording device at 2am on the east coast and 11pm on the west coast please tune in to the Fox News channel to see me talk about important breaking news that may be neither important nor breaking. Plus, surprises!*

*there might not be surprises

Oh, also, there’s a new 1 Thing vlog at timeoutnewyork.tv