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Christmas has exploded inside Starbucks. You can tell because the cups are now Christmasy and there’s more red everywhere and my coffee tasted like elves. Also, I think I heard some holiday music but I couldn’t quite tell from underneath my hat and scarf and also there were general auditory issues created by going from the cold outside to the slightly less cold inside. I remembered when my dad tried in vain to discourage me from moving to New York with tales of how cold it is here and I was thinking how that was so silly because the cold isn’t that dreadful, but the funny thing is that I was thinking this while simultaneously thinking “fuck this fucking fucked weather,” because I was in a good mood, you see. It’s just that it was raining and my jeans were wicking the water toward my skin. Like the opposite of two denim maxi pads. So anyway, if I were to get a pet should I get a bird or a puppy? I think I should get a dog but I keep dreaming about birds. Probably because my life’s like a cage, man. Also because I like to peck at gravel to keep my crop and gizzard running smoothly. I guess that’s all. I’ll be on NBC at 6:45 am tomorrow (locally) and I’m going to be on Montel next week but I’m not sure how soon it airs after taping. I’ll keep you posted. And if you’re my parents and you’re reading this, guess what, I’m going to be on Montel! It’s not that you have to find out from reading my blog, it’s that I thought sharing this news with you on the blog would be a special way for us to catch up!

Oh and one more thing everyone, I tried my hand at a Letterman style top ten list. (This was an actual Letterman topic, but my own list) Here it is:

Top Ten Signs Your Baby is Too Fat

10. doctors tell you he has a “great personality”

9. his stroller keeps getting a flat tire

8. when he was born the doctor said, “congratulations, it’s… enormous!”

7. he’s already in adult diapers

6. during delivery the doctor was overhead saying “forecepts? better make that fivecepts.”

5. he cries till you feed him a strained Whopper

3. when you interview nannies you ask them how much they bench.

2. more reinforcements for the changing table!

1. his nickname is jabba the baby

Wednesdays with Hershel

Chicken Soup for the Groin

Who Moved my Asparagus?

What Color Is Your Parachute? I Don’t Know But the Ground is Getting Really Close So Just Pull the Damn Thing.

Are You There God, It’s Me, Fred, Inventor of Orthopedic Shoes

someone near me has wind chimes, or I’m trapped in a constant state of foreshadowing.

Post it in the comments for use in a future body language segment, won’t you? I will be your best friend. Maybe. Oh and please include name, city and favorite RE moment, if you want. Thanks!

Well aren’t you a lucky duck? (yes you are, because you can watch me on NBC’s Weekend Today in New York). As for your insomnia, you’re on your own.

But I thought it was funny in a 50s movie way. This morning I was half awake in the makeup chair and the makeup guy was putting makeup on my chest which is something I always want them to do because I’m pale and if anything I feel like I usually have to nudge them in that direction because they usually tell me “you’re fine, it matches.” But he, on his own, took note of my startling ass-whiteness and began rectifying. “I need you to open like this” he said, pulling my jacket open. I did and he really got in there and then after he said, “Sorry if I was overly familiar with you. It’s early.” I said it was okay (which it was). Then he said, “I assure you it was lost on me.”

I decided I’m pretty much tired of anyone who has “vision” or “a vision” for anything.

In discussing our fictional children’s book series (and by that I don’t mean the books are fiction, I mean the books are a fiction) with my sister I learned that I had both the title and the premise of one of them wrong. It’s Jobs are for Carols, Grapes are for Jane. Meaning jobs are for the birds. I thought it was more like “to each his own” like some people like to work jobs, some like to eat grapes. But I was wrong! It’s good I have her here to keep me in line. So anyway, thus far we have: A Turtle Named Jane, See Jane Eat a Grape, Schooltime for Jane and Jobs are for Carols, Grapes are for Jane. The miniseries will be called Jane: Plain and Green. If you are reading this thinking “I don’t get it,” don’t worry. There’s little to get. It’s more a matter of mild to nonexistent amusement.

Tonight my sister and I invented a game where you say a pet name and then have to figure out what animal it would go with. For example, Carol is very clearly a parrot. Upon realizing that Jane is a turtle, we began coming up with book titles for a series of books about Jane including A New Home for Jane and my personal favorite, See Jane Eat a Grape. We also settled on Jobs are for Carol, Grapes are for Jane and we aren’t quite sure the content, but doesn’t it sound educational? And also heartwarming? We think so too.

Should you find yourself wanting to play this game go right ahead but might I suggest you start with another game we invented called Cow, Sheep, Goat? It’s where someone says the name of a cheese and then you have to say what kind of milk it’s made with. It helps to have an extensive knowledge of cheese, which we lack, hence the game never turned into our own personal Bunko.