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Sometimes I like to check my own blog… to see if I’ve posted anything new.

I haven’t had a drink since over a month ago, which is likely hard to believe since I’m a total lush who’s been known to teetotal for stretches, but somehow an appletini was purchased by Michelle Collins with my name on it tonight after Red Eye and I actually drank that fruity bullshit. I know I will regret this tomorrow if not sooner.

This just in! Breaking! Um, other words that mean stuff like that!

Over on The Activity Pit the question of whether I’m too snooty to answer their questions now that I’m all “Hollywood n’stuff” was posed, and the question was what I did on my California vacation. Here is my response:

I am totally too snooty to answer your questions however I’m having my personal assistant write this. She is typing and I’m standing over her shoulder shouting FASTER! FASTER! and if she doesn’t speed up I’m probably going to have her shot, because her dilly-dallying doesn’t please me, and when things don’t please me, I’ve taken to having them shot. It’s just a little thing I do now that absolute power has corrupted me absolutely. As for my vacation, it was a working vacation, so I woke up and enjoyed coffee on the veranda while idly asking my assistant to check my email. Then I napped for a few hours while having my already supple skin made suppler by a fleet of masseueueueusses (my assistant had trouble with that word). Then I went on a harbor cruise while being fanned with palm fronds shipped in from the gulf of, um, bornego. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? Well, it’s very tiny and very exclusive so it doesn’t surprise me that you haven’t. One time I went there with five of my assistants and only four of us were allowed in so I had the extraneous person shot as is my way, as I’ve explained. In between all this I did stories for magazines including Page Six, Maxim and another one, and then I had all my internal organs rotated which is just something we LA folk are trying out. It’s cool, but if you want to make yourself throw up, you have to stick your finger up your butt.

Oh my God, I am so sorry my assistant just wrote that. She is disgusting!

And I did kind of get a tan, but not on purpose, it was just from being outside.

When I woke up it smelled strongly of bug spray in my room—and not the girly kind of “bug spray mixed with flowers” that I occasionally make use of, but some kind of very strong industrial pesticide that stripped the chitin right off my lungs. Now it smells like curry.

Wait, now it’s bug spray again.

I should probably close my window, but I spent so long last night saying hello to spring by wrenching the damn thing open and then putting the little screen in and then struggling to close it on top of the screen that I’m hesitant to mess with it again. If my lungs have to fill with tiny particles, so be it. Hm, I think I can actually taste it right now.

That’s New York for you: elaborate machinations to open a damn window. In California you’d just have your butler do it.

Headache! I have thought myself into a headache. I’m convinced this is a headache in my mind. Also a headache in my head.

Also in the “that’s New York for you” is crossing against the light. I always have a moment when I come back to the city where I’m waiting for the light to change and then, embarrassed, I realize it’s because I’ve gone soft. I’ve forgotten that I don’t have to wait! Then I go running like a girl through the intersection.

Since it’s Thursday night, obviously I’m out having a great time, however if I were home I’d have to say that The Kardashian True Hollywood Story is making me cry a little!

Also, the girl in the photo below is Blake Lively who plays Serena on Gossip Girl.

And lastly, my dad is fine, everything went well, thanks for the kind wishes!

Oh and one more thing. New York is getting kind of hot. I hate that. Or maybe it’s just my apartment which I’m totally not in right now because I’m out being social.

Also, I like the show. But it’s more about the dog. In fact, I wanted not to like the show after New York did their “Best. Show. Ever.” cover story, because I’m contrarian and also because I HATE. PERIODS. AFTER. EACH. WORD. It’s up there with announcing the number of words you’re going to use before using them such as “Two words: mechanical pencils”
(no relevance, mind you, it just happens to be my writing implement of choice, which may surprise you because most people I know prefer some kind of rollerball bullshit, but not I, unless I’m filling out forms or writing checks or something. ANYWAY) This was going to be a post of TV shows I like, however I’m going to cut myself off at the pass because I’m procrastinating, and because you are enabling me with your codependence and your cohabitation and your copayments and your comb overs and your codeine binges and your cones and rods (you have excellent eyesight) and your enmeshment and your herring. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to. See, I am on deadline(s) again and so there’s no time for us to talk about The Hills, which I’d probably rather talk about than Gossip Girl.

Also, my dad is having a small procedure today (all over lipo and he’s getting a new face grafted onto his face) so I am slightly distracted, although I’m sure he will be totally fine.

These ones above makes me think of Race for Your Life, Charlie Brown, but that’s probably because most things make me think of Race for Your Life, Charlie Brown, Emmett Otter’s Jug Band Christmas or Facts of Life.

Check out my banging red 4-runner rental in the bottom of this shot. “You have fun in that thing, now!” said the security guard as I drove off the lot and then got totally lost and ended up somehow going the wrong way down a one-way street trying to exit the airport. I’m an adult, I should be able to do this! I told myself. Sadly I had to repeat that shameful mantra the following day when a quick coffee run went disastrously awry. Apparently “take a right at the light” short circuits my mental faculties and results in my going about 40 minutes in the wrong direction. But it’s not a clean “in the wrong direction.” It’s muddled by self-doubt which causes u-turns and then thinking I had it right the first time and then thinking, no, I didn’t, it’s the other way and ultimately the kind of defeat that makes me call my mom to ask for help. But she was at the movies, forgetting our unspoken arrangement that for the entire time I’m in possession of a rental car she’ll sit by the computer in case I need to call for directions.

This, which was posted on The Activity Pit, is pretty awesome. Clearly I have the most creative fans ever. I bet you guys can fashion a birdcage out of popsicle sticks and bee spit. I bet you can make a lanyard in your sleep. I bet your doilies are unstained and your china unchipped. Okay, those last two things have less to do with being creative than just being old and fastidious which none of you are unless you have kleenex wadded up and tucked into your sleeve in which case you might be an old lady, which is cool. I might be one too.

And since many of you asked: I ended up working until about three in the morning last night and then I got up earlier than I wanted to and finished the story. I’d kind of forgotten about this aspect of being fully freelance (I’m now freelance and am writing for Page Six as well as a bunch of other magazines). Actually, I think I’d forgotten about this aspect of writing—the necessary day of procrastination which isn’t really procrastinating at all but taking in an synthesizing all the info you can via research and thinking about the transcription before putting it on the page.

Whoa! Look who’s all fancy and hoity-toity and writerly. Did I tell you’ve I’ve taken to writing my stories with a quill dipped in ink? It’s damaging my computer screen though. Not sure how I’m going to deal with that going forward. Also, I’ve been carrying around very tiny notebooks so I can jot down important observations like earlier today I wrote “this notebook is too sma”. Unfortunately the rest just got on my hand.

Also, in the elevator there was a sign that said that someone has taken to putting a padlock on the “sauna” room and using it as storage and if they don’t phone the office immediately it will be cut and emptied and my response to this is: We have a sauna room? Also, what’s a sauna room? I find it hard to believe, since this building barely has heat. It’s like that dream where you discover there’s a secret room you never knew about in your house only this happens to be a room I don’t care about. Like if I found a room filled with TVs broadcasting sports. Or a room full of vitamins.

If I fuck around after every paragraph that I write, I will never ever ever ever ever (fighting the urge to write an infinity numbers of evers just to avoid doing real work) get this story done. It’s like I’ve never done this before, when I’ve done it a million times before! I am a bad writer. BAD! It’s 9:40pm and I can feel an all-nighter of my own creation coming on. Ugh. So not happy with my work habits right now.

Great, now it’s 9:42. I just stared at a blinking cursor for two minutes. Hooray for me!