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I am in a cab and the cab driver is burping something fierce. Like a continual string of low growly ones. Seriously, sir, what are we dealing with? Is this GERD? Did you drink a small lagoon of pepsi? Is there a tiger in here? Okay, now you are hacking something up and kind of sniffling. Is this consumption? It strikes as consumptive. Okay, the burps have changed pitch. More hollow sounding. I may throw up, you know, just cuz!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The hotel my parents are staying at is crawling with cops. They're stationed around the perimeter and on the corners a few blocks in each direction. I realize I'm popular with the men in blue, but this is a little much, even for me.

Well I just found out they're here because Obama and Clinton are also here! As a member of the press I feel it's my duty to watch tv while telling you about this. My parents are currently walking Tobey with hopes of getting a glimpse of something or other. I suspect they will be getting a glimpse of… more cops.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Why oh why is there no service where you can call up your DVR box and tell it what to record? Because I’m at the hotel where my parents are staying (Tobey is curled up near the TV) and they don’t get the Food Network here and Next Food Network Star is on tonight and I CANNOT MISS IT! And yet, I must. My sister is sitting near me using her boyfriend’s computer (we’re IMing eachother) and it smells like an old photo album. Okay, we’re not actually IMing eachother. We’re both doing work, except right now I’m lamenting the TV show which does not technically fall under the umbrella of “doing work.” But back to the fragrant computer. First of all, she claims it’s not the computer which smells like old photo albums but she is wrong wrong wrong because once she opened that thing I got a strong whiff of the seventies which is what I associate that smell with, since inside the particular stinky albums I’m thinking of are photos from the seventies.

Now about the TV show which it seems I’m going to be missing. Is anyone else watching this show? I’m in love with it. It often makes me cry, which is kind of embarrassing. I mean not an embarrassing kind of blubbering pee from my eyes type of weeping, more just a moistening at the corners. I think maybe once my nose ran. It’s just that these peoples sad dreams are laid bare and for the most part they’re all likable and trying hard and there aren’t any villains. Crap, now I must go help my sister with an issue pertaining to her old photo album. Just know that whatever I was about to say was going to be brilliant.

You know when you’re trying really hard to remember something and you know it’s in there somewhere but you just can’t retrieve it? You do? Well I don’t, because I have a perfect memory and excellent skin.

Except apparently I went to high school with Joe Francis! I mean, I remember lifting my shirt up all the time, but I don’t remember any cameras. I just remember the principal seeming displeased.

But I saw a high school friend today and we were reminiscing about Spanish class and right there, plopped into the middle of the trip down memory lane was a story about Joe Francis being kinda douchy (okay fine—way more than kinda, I’m just being diplomatic) and getting picked on by the other kids who, admittedly, were nasty little shits, except he kind of brought it on himself so much that you didn’t even feel a tad sorry for him. Not a tad!

What’s more, apparently he looked just like he does now and went by the same name, which rules out the idea that the reason I can’t remember this is because he was a 250 pound kid who had thick glasses and went by JoJo Francesco or something.

Clearly I’ve been roofied.

If anyone can record the radio show tonight, that would be super awesome. (And let me know if you do.)

I’ll be on the DeVore & Diana show on Maxim Sirius Radio (channel 108) tonight in the 9pm hour. What’s that you say? You don’t have Sirius? (I briefly debated posting a picture right here of forgotten Australian comedian R. U. Sirious to indicate my state of incredulity but decided against it.) You can sign up for a three day trial.

Wait a minute. I just did some research on R.U. Sirious and that’s not who I mean. R.U. did a bunch of stuff including apparently edited Axcess magazine which I used to write for. I mean Yahoo Serious! For a second I thought I’d invented this carrot toppy person out of thin air which would be both impressive and alarming. But he exists. Look, here he is playing violin in a bucket!

Anyway, tune in tonight. And check out Diana Falzone’s cool viral video, linked to by Comedy Central.

As a rule I don’t really believe in re-posting emails I get however every now and then one arrives in my inbox that is so charming it demands public airing.

UPDATE: I took the email down. I didn’t feel right about posting an email someone had taken the time to send me, even if had some sparkling backhanded gems in it.

The Chicken Soup for the Soul series would be considered horror.

(it’s one of the comedy for stoners bits from TALKSHOW with Spike Feresten)

“Whatever the party is, that’s the party I’m at.”

This is something that Grant Show’s character says to… that other guy. Bruce? I forget his name. The one without a mustache who isn’t Roger. Anyway, it’s kind of poetic in its laid back mellow grooviness.

I could use more of this sentiment. I’m more like “Whatever the party is, I’d like to change it into something else or at least retain that option.”

I mean, not that I’m not the greatest party guest ever, because I am. You’d be lucky to have me at your party. I tell jokes, I mingle, I sample the snacks, I do this funny thing where I dribble water out of my mouth (note: I retired that one because it became rote, but it might be time to put it back in rotation) sometimes I even have so much fun I puke in your bathroom!

But metaphorically speaking, I keep my coat on. And literally I often do too.