Archive | Uncategorized

Wendy and I have thrice updated our page so I hope you’re all up in that shit.

Also, tomorrow when I do stand up I’m going to “just have fun with it.”

And then I was thinking, is there really anything in life that you shouldn’t just have fun with?

And then I was thinking that I guess you shouldn’t just have fun with heart surgery.

Although I think the doctors on Grey’s Anatomy just have fun with most of their surgery, but that’s TV and not real life and plus they’re really shitty doctors, I know this because they left a towel in that one woman. Remember?

Oh and by the way now that I’m doing stand up I expect a whole bunch of hackneyed observations to start flowing out of me like, like, what’s a standuppy metaphor? Like herpes out of Paris Hilton, am I right?

I hope you’re as excited about this new turn of events as I am.

Okay then.

Oh, also: earlier I was at the Starbucks inside Barnes and Noble which is doubly offensive to Brooklyn since it’s all mom and pop around here but there I was, lining the coffers of Big Coffee Beans and Books and there was a pastry called something like “Flaky strawberry fruit purse” and I was thinking that it would be funny if it said “with real quarters baked inside.” But it didn’t say that, because it’s a pastry, not a comedian.

I just want to rip my skin off and throw it at the television. Also: what kind of hairspray does she use?

This site—Dear Old Love—is amusing, and it even made me feel some emotion which is kind of unusual these days since I think my heart is tucked away under a thick covering of protective frost. It’s not intentional, it’s not like I’m making sure my whole chest cavity is kept refrigerated lest I feel something, it’s more like it’s tough for me to feel certain things right now (“right now” being for about three years). This is after a lifetime of feeling too much and everything though, so maybe I’m just calibrating.

Or maybe I’m just taking inventory after almost dying at the hands of Vlassic last night?

I did a whole bunch of work today on deadline AND I made two scallops. Aren’t I so fancy? I think so.

I’m home! And I was worried that I was going to feel weird in my Brooklyn apartment since I haven’t really had all that much time to make it feel like home but I don’t. I feel normal in it. So: hooray!

On the plane I watched a couple episodes of House. I never really got into that show, perhaps because I can’t get past my disbelief that anyone’s last name is really HOUSE, but it was pretty entertaining. Now I’m going to go not unpack.

I have to submit a bio for this page about NY’s Funniest Reporter. Should I turn in a standard or ridiculous one? Incidentally, I think those should be condom and/or light bulb sizes.

On my way back to OC after doing Red Eye. The LA bureau is a whole different vibe than New York. It's almost like a local branch of a bank, except the pens aren't on chains and actually this bank metaphor is a terrible one. But it's very relaxed and kind of sleepy and bungalowesque as opposed to nyc which is big and imposing and bustling and frenetic. That was kind of redundant, huh?

Anyway in the midst of doing the show I read an email from a fan that kind of rattled me which I'm embarrassed to admit since I think I'm supposed to be above all that or something. Anyway. I need to learn better email management.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

So I'm at the hospital where my mom had surgery this morning. She's okay, just had a pesky gallbladder removed and a couple hernias repaired. I almost got in a fight with two evil women in the parking lot and I'm too tired to go into the details but I almost had to bust a psychotic dance move in their ass, which I so totally would have. I mean really, isn't a hospital parking lot a weird place to be a total bitch? I'm talking about them, not me. I was meek and docile but inside I was, um, not that way. Also, on the plane out I watched Growing Up Marsupial. Have you seen this? So cute! As for this hospital, it's good but it's no Seattle Grace. That's probably good actually.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Me: I look like a freak.
Sarina (exercise class teacher): No, you look (long pause) fascinating.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I forgot to mention that yesterday was Tobey's birthday!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Not to be a cliche New Yorker but I am getting really sick of waiting in lines. The talent needs an over-the-door towel rack from Bed Bath and Beyond, damnit.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry