Archive | Uncategorized

Now that I’ve been NY’s Funniest Reporter for a whole week, you are likely wondering how my life has changed. Well for one thing, I now sleep on a queen size whoopie cushion and whenever I knock at someone’s door, they say “who’s there??” expectantly and then seem kind of disappointed when it’s just me. I won’t get into the frenzy that results from my crossing the road and all the questions about my motivation in doing so. The laugh track that follows me around took a little time to get used to, especially since it seems to activate at the strangest times, like when I’m not even trying to be funny. Banana peels appear underfoot out of nowhere and all my sunglasses have fake noses attached to them. Similarly my hats have been replaced by arrows and last night I got sick and puked rubber vomit.

Last night I did something I never do—talked to strangers on the train. They started it! Twice!

It’s because I was reading the second book of the Twilight series. Vampire books for 13 year olds with loosely veiled Mormon themes? How could it not resonate with me, when you think about it.

My train friends also are concerned about the movie and the casting of Edward. One of my train friends was on the fourth and final book and she started reading something else because she didn’t want to finish and have no more books to read. She has more restraint than I do, sort of how Edward has more restraint than say, Jasper.

If you want to meet people, read the Twilight series on the train! If you want to read the Twilight series on the train? Take a cab.

Here’s a link to a segment that ran on WNBC about the funniest reporter show. I was told that the version that’s running in taxis has actual footage of me doing stand up but maybe that’s just a scam to get me to take taxis? Anyway, lest anyone is wondering, I wrote all my own material.

http://video.wnbc.com/player/?id=739007

Also, do I need to just shut the hell up already about this show? Because I just performed my set again in the shower and let me just say, I killed! My loofah couldn’t even breath it was laughing so hard and my shampoo was doubled over.

I’m kidding of course, I don’t have a loofah. But I was having this daydream fantasy where I was asked, out of the blue, to get onstage and perform for a few minutes and so I just wanted to make sure that I would be able to still recall the set… from a few nights ago.

Also in the realm of daydream fantasy? Well see, I used to appear on WNBC all the time and so I was sort of hoping that when Cat said my name the anchors would be like “oh, I know Alison! She’s so nice… and funny!” I kind of can’t believe I just admitted that.

The kind who wakes up at 1pm. I think I’m turning nocturnal. Like a hamster. Now today it’s not so bad because I’m doing Red Eye tonight and then at 2am I’m doing an interview on Joey Reynolds show on WOR talk radio about the funniest reporter competition. I just hope he doesn’t ask me to tell any jokes because it’s going to take an army to keep my from saying:

Heard the one about potato leek soup? It got everywhere!

I made that joke up, by the way. It’s both horrible and gourmet.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I have to stay up late so it’s not so bad that I’m getting up late but why, why is this happening? I feel I’m going to have to do something drastic like employ an alarm clock one of these days.

Also I’m reading the second book of the Twilight series now. I’m turning into a 13 year old. A nocturnal 13 year old.

UPDATE: We’re rescheduling the radio interview for next week. My creaky old body is kind of relieved.

I’m going to wash my face. I’m just going to do it. I’m going to take the plunge. Is there any reason I need to keep my achingly beautiful face looking achingly beautiful? Because I’m ready to be wearing less makeup. Except if I do that and then suddenly there is a reason where I should have kept it on, such as a party or “fun time” pops up out of nowhere I will be like DAMNIT, why did I wash all that pretty crud down the drain. And yes, of course I could put it back on, but I know myself and I wouldn’t, hence I’ll probably just stay home.

That’s kind of sad actually. The desire to not put on makeup is stronger than the desire to have a fun time.

Except so rarely are you assured a good time, you know? So often it’s just like “huh, I could see where that might be fun.”

Also I have a headache. It might be from holding my nose in the air to look down on all of you.

Oh get this: apparently I’m on taxi TV! There’s a segment about the funniest reporter show. Anyone see it? I only take helicopters so I wouldn’t know.

You know in school how you learn about the famous Nixon/Kennedy debate where Nixon lost to that MTV VJ Kennedy because he was all hot media and Kennedy was cold media and understood TV and something about the color of ties?

Well if McCain loses and they trace anything back to this debate I think they will point out that he looks like a little old man when he walks around and that he would have done much better to have stood still while making his points instead of doddering around all grandpa like. I mean, he looks like my grandfather, who is dead. Lest I have not made my point, what I’m trying to say is that when he walks around, it’s clear he is an old man. Granted, when I walk around it’s clear I am an old man, which is why were I to run for president I would make sure to be rolled around in a wheelchair so as to appear youthful. Like a youthful FDR. “There is nothing to fear but fear itself, pull my finger!” I will say, as they roll me by. I will say this while puffing on a pipe and inventing alphabet soup agencies. “Polio?” they will whisper as I go flying down a hill in my shoddy wheelchair.”But I thought polio was something from the past?” they will frown, as my wheelchair hits a divot and I am thrown into a tree. “Well, she’s an old soul,” someone will say, by way of explanation.

Am I mixing up my presidents? Well, you get the idea at least.

Waiting around, not knowing when my internet will leave me, unable to focus on anything because of the gnawing sensation, surprised and overjoyed when it’s here and then crushed when suddenly it’s gone. Wondering when it will return, if it will return… Am I dating the internet? I’m certainly getting fucked by it!

I’m sorry, I know you don’t like when I go blue however I had no choice.

Imagine if your beloved relative was lying in a hospital bed fading in and out of consciousness and you were trying to desperately squeeze all your questions about your past and family into the precious few lucid moments because when this person dies, there goes all that history and all those memories? Well imagine that instead of a relative, it’s your fucking internet connection that’s about to give up the ghost and every now and then it seems to actually be working and you’re like “wait wait! just give me my email! come back! just tell me the weather forecast! don’t go! I need to google mysel…. hello? NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fight, fight! I’m not ready to live without my internet connection!”

And then again it’s gone. I can’t take this emotional roller coaster.

Thankfully I already talked to the nutsacks at Time Warner though and I explained that I work from home and I’m losing business and they kindly let me know that this is for residential use. Do they think I’m selling rubber stamps online or something?

I shamelessly stole these from Mary Rambin’s blog.