Archive | things I’ve learned from watching TV

When I look back on my life and think that there are so many things I could have been doing in my thirties such as having kids and, um, scrapbooking, I suspect the following post will serve as a piquant example of how I frittered away my time. Now I’m wondering if an example can be piquant. If it were an example of salsa, certainly, however what if it’s an example of time frittering? A spicy, bold example?

But as I was saying: Am I the only one who vastly prefers Law and Order: Special Victim’s Unit to the regular Law and Order or God forbid that Vincent D’Onofrio version which I can’t stomach at all but is always playing on Jet Blue flights. I mean is there a channel that exclusively airs the Vincent D’Onofio Law and Order because I think Jet Blue subscribes to that satellite service. And then there’s Law and Order: Trial by Jury which don’t even get me started on because I haven’t seen it. But basically if it doesn’t involve Olivia shuddering over live victims and befriending children in a way which I know is supposed to strike us as compassionate but often comes off as creepy, and Stabler needing get a hold of yourself, Elliott, I don’t want to watch it. Goddamnit what is the name of that other one? The forensics one? I need to fly cross country so I can find out.

If I were looking for a diamond in a pinch I would first look in the jewelry box and then I would cut open all the stuffed animals around me because I’ve learned from watching TV that it’s not unusual for bad guys to sew fist-sized diamonds into stuffed animals.

Similarly, if I were looking for a briefcase full of men’s undershirts and boxers I would reach for the briefcase that I think has all the money in it, usually located in an airport or near a helicopter, because it doesn’t have money, it has boxers and undershirts. In fact, first I would go to Kmart and then if they didn’t have the undergarmets I was looking for I’d locate the nearest tarmac.

And lastly, if I needed to outrun my past I’d buy a bottle of cheap bleach and dye my hair banana yellow in a gas station bathroom. I’d also cut it with a switch blade. Then I’d change my name and enroll in a nearby high school.