I’m doing The Strategy Room tomorrow at 3pm. It’s funny because I’m terrible at sports. (It’s a sports show, right?)
You can watch it here tomorrow at 3pm http://www.foxnews.com/strategyroom/
Just kidding, it’s not about sports. It’s about board games.
I’m on Red Eye on Monday and I’m on the couch today. The gray couch. Or the brown couch. Apparently everyone else thinks it’s brown but it looks gray to me. I don’t know why this is but it frustrates me. I like to see things clearly. For example, I’d rather see a couch I like when I look at it.
But that wasn’t my point, not at all. My point was that I’ll be on Red Eye on Monday night/Tues morning and even though it’s written on the right side of this page where I have my upcoming appearances I wanted to make a special post about it because the date has jumped around a bit since I was traveling and pinning me down was hard to do. “Don’t pin me down!” I yelled as they began attacking me with bobby pins.
In other news, I’ve become quite a fan of the show M.A.S.H. and I’ve developed a crush on early Alan Alda.
When I was six I had a crush on Oliver-era Jack Wild.
I’m given to anachronistic crushes, the kind where when you see what the person looks like now you shudder.
But I’d never liked M.A.S.H. because I associated it with things which are hot and dusty and depressing but then I was watching some episodes to prepare for Switch (the topic was TV doctors) and lo and behold, I actually really like the show. Maybe I only like the early episodes though before it got all heavy handed and depressing and dusty and hot. You know?
I wish I’d taken photos at the next place I went last night–WOR studios—because that was priceless. I was the youngest person there by about sixty years and everyone there was crazy in this very entertaining old timey showbiz kind of way, made more surreal by the fact that it was two in the morning.
Well maybe not sixty. Forty. Thirty five? Well, you get what I’m saying.
So I’m doing Red Eye tonight and then I’m jetting—in a car—downtown to be interviewed on the Joey Reynolds show on WOR 710. The interview will air live at midnight in NYC and 8AM in the 220 other markets that carry it or where it airs or something. Anyone know what that means? I don’t speak radio. I do have a radio-ish voice though, so the irony cuts deep as you can imagine.
Anyway, for some of you that means you can hear me before seeing me on Red Eye. Like the opposite of thunder/lightening!
But not like that at all.
For others there will be a five hour wait time during which I hope you’ll reflect on important things involving me.
Thank you.
Here’s where I explained that the reason you need a gun in this economy is so you can exercise your constitutional right to shoot anyone who may be trying to repossess your car.
And then here’s where I apparently was holding the mic cord.
And then I was going to say that here’s where I killed time during an intro because it’s tough to figure out what to do during the intro however the lower third (that’s fancy TV talk for the words on the screen) make me realize that this is actually where I said that Halloween is fattening and scary and so I hate it. Wait, actually I think I said that later.
And then here’s where I was like “I’m too beautiful to be all covered up by words. I demand you un-word me!” and so they did.
When it comes to social interactions I prefer to have them with a mic in my hand or a camera in my face. Tonight I mixed with people unknown to me without all that though. Just me, my bongos and a bottle of Wild Turkey. Minus the bongos and Wild Turkey.
I went to a party with Red Eye pal John Roy where I met a guy (funny comedian Pete Holmes) who draws actual cartoons for the New Yorker. I got all excited and tried to explain that I draw fake cartoons for the New Yorker but I don’t draw them, I just think them up, and I never send them in because it’s not about that. I think he was suitably impressed. Then I mentioned that some of my fans have actually drawn them but what I really meant to say was, “Did I mention I have fans?”
And then I had a horribly awkward exchange with a woman by the crudite, but it’s late and I’m too tired to write it out. Perhaps tomorrow, my dears. It involves slippery bell peppers and tongs.
Could your Monday night/Tuesday morning have gotten any better? I think not.
Here’s a picture of a peaceful looking bedroom to enjoy while you ponder how awesome this is. I found it here.
I have oodles of free time. So much that I hardly have a moment to myself. It’s always jet skiing and flower pressing and foreign language classes. I nearly whacked my head this morning on an egg-laying chicken as I was making my way out the door to pick up wax for letter embossing. In between the stress of that and the wooziness of giving blood, how can I be expected to fly a kite? And my cribbage partner has given up on me. That’s what was on my mind in the shower this morning.
Well, that and the arbitrariness of the days of the week. Why does the day change at midnight? And how different would everything be if it changed at noon? I think this is what you think about when you appear on a show that airs at 3am. I never know which day to assign to it. It really feels like part of the day before, yet technically it’s a new day. Hence the arbitrariness because no one really considers midnight a new day unless you’re talking birthdays or periods of time you’re trying to get through.
I mean yes, it somewhat correlates to the sun, but I don’t believe in the sun, so I refute that theory.
So tonight I was on the train when who should walk in but one of the producers of Red Eye. “I heard you won!” he said excitedly. “Yes, it’s true,” I coolly responded, because at this point I was tired of the little people with their mundane words of praise and banal well wishes. He wanted to know if I felt like maybe Red Eye had played a part in making me the phenom that I am today. He didn’t use the word phenom, but I could see it in his eyes.
I grew royally miffed and really let him have it.
By the way, when I grow royally miffed that means I’m miffed but wearing a crown or some other kind of regal headwear. Could even be a purple fez or gilded sombrero.
I mean, I’m just so tired of people wanting a piece of me. All day long my life has changed.
And then I agreed that maybe Red Eye could claim a slice of my comedic yeah-sure-whateverness and he said I ought to put a shout out on my blog so here goes:
Hey Red Eye, thanks!
Anyway, I’ll be on Red Eye Wednesday night/Thursday morning.
In other news, my neighborhood is very Halloweeny and I love it because it’s Halloweeny in the third grade sense of that word, not the horror sense of the word.
In even more news, I’m reading Twilight which all the other 13 year olds read ages ago. I think but I’m late to this YA party. Y.A. is young adult, by the way. See, it went down like this:
Another adult: Are you a reader?
Me: In theory
The other adult: I mean, do you like to read? Books?
Me: Well, I know how if that’s what you mean.
The other adult: Have you read any of the Twilight books? I can’t put them down.
Me: I haven’t even heard of them!
And then there I was, searching the teen fiction section of Barnes & Noble for a gift for my imaginary teen cousin.
And now I can’t put the book down either, which makes typing kind of difficult to say the least.
Right, but…
But I…
But I think it’s that…
Okay seriously…
Really…
I like shiny objects!