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Archive | Red Eye

Red Eye's Best of 2008 segment, part 1

I’m in the very last minute. The seventh minute. And it’s the “tiny Alison” thing which you’ve likely already seen since I have it on this page. So I guess I’m talking you out of watching this. But then that’s me: mixed messages.

And thanks to Markca who posted this on the Pit, where I “borrowed” it. I swear I’ll give it back!

If I were super ambitious I would slap together this footage with the footage last night when Greg asked me to wave behind Andy again and thus, it was recreated. But I’m not that ambitious. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly driven, but I’m not going to just step over people or forget where I come from. When I get home it’s still “hey Alison, take out the trash” and “hey Alison, can you recommend an ointment?” It’s weird too, because I live alone.

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Hello new people

Watching Red Eye tonight and wondering to yourself, Who is that vixen and what’s she all about? Just say yes, it’s easier that way. Well welcome to my blog, make yourself at home and whatever you do, don’t touch that. Dammit looks what you’ve done!

Anyway, perhaps you are wondering about the New Yorker cartoons? For a history, click here.

And if you want to follow me on Twitter, please do. It’s important to me that I have more followers than like anyone I know, especially Andy.

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Identity Crisis, part 413

So yet again I’m wondering how I should be labeling myself. I’m wondering this specifically because I’m on Red Eye tonight and they’ve taken to referring to me as a self-professed pop culture expert and contributing editor to Page Six Magazine. And I am both those things but I’m also a blogger, writer and sort of comedian. I mean, I’m funny. Like really fucking funny. Sometimes I look at myself and just laugh and laugh. Sometimes I drink milk and think of something I said and then shoot milk out my nose. Then I drink coke and think about the milk and the coke comes out my nose! Seriously, you should never sit across from me. I’m like Gallagher but with beverages. Also, I’ve never really shot drinks out of my nose. Who does that? So should I be introduced as a blogger and comedian? A writer, blogger and comedian? And fake body language expert.

While in Canada, DJ from Roseanne (ok fine, his name is Michael Fishman) said “so, what are you?” and I hemmed and hawed (note: I’ve never written hawed before. It looks wrong somehow. It looks wrawng) and then Amelie Gillette whose name I’m likely misspelling suggested I be a “fun-dit.”

I liked it until my brain started hearing fun-dip and then I got distracted.

Anyway, yesterday I ran into an editor-in-chief in the bathroom, which is truly my favorite place to run into people I’m slightly intimidated by and she asked me what my plans are for 2009. “Was thinking I’d put on some lip gloss and get the fuck out of here!” I didn’t say. Instead I hemmed and hawed (TWICE in one blog post!)

Maybe I should just put it out there to the universe? That I’d like to one day host my own funny late night talk show that doesn’t have to be late at night and I’d also like to write more cover stories for well-paying national magazines and I’d like to finally master these splenda meringues because sometimes the egg whites aren’t as voluminous as I’d like?

Do I dare say all this?

Oh, also, I’d like to write a book, write comedy and nail the Russian shuffle. (so-called because one card is “rushin‘” right after the other. TRULY! I KID YOU NOT! I WOULD NOT LIE TO YOU!)

I’ve spent more time today on the shuffle than on the book. See, the other night I was watching Red Eye, the one with the BEST OF 2008 segment, which is essentially like googling yourself except less instant feedback and more fast forwarding and I had to put up with the first half which had real guests and stuff. I think the topic was New Year’s resolutions and Clayton Morris mentioned that he wanted to shuffle cards in a cool way and I think Bill maybe said he did too and that reminded me that that was once MY dream. And yet I abandoned it like a newborn in a dumpster. See this blog post for what happened.

But in the years since, the internet has improved when it comes to card shuffling and now I don’t have to settle for magic tricks. So I’m teaching myself how to do this stuff. I’m at about 55 percent at this point, meaning I can shoot cards all around the room and then roll over them with a computer chair.

Also, who can almost do the ribbon spread? I so almost can! And the one-handed fan. But the Russian shuffle is really the piece de resistance. I mean, once you master that bad boy you won’t even mind that you don’t have any dates.

The Ribbon Spread

Between this, raising each of my eyebrows individually and blowing spit bubbles off the end of my tongue, how can I fail?

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Please recognize me

So it’s come to my attention that my ex-boyfriend who has been featured in some of those A&E Bios that I’ve also been in was recognized by a waiter over the weekend. How do I feel about this? I’m glad I asked. You might think I would be slightly disgruntled that he was recognized and I never am when I’ve literally been on TV 8 million times (no, literally! I counted!) but see, that’s not how I am. I don’t do it for the recognition. I do it for the adulation. Also, all the sex. I can count how many times I’ve been recognized on one hand and not just any hand but a hand that is missing all its fingers and also its thumb. I can count the times on a stump. Does this bother me? Again, you are getting the wrong idea there pal about what’s important to me. The children are important. My hair is important. People thinking highly of me, especially people I don’t know, is important. Being treated slightly better than a regular person. All that is important to me. But having someone lavish praise on me in public? Only some kind of asshole would enjoy that. It’s for this reason that the times that I’ve been standing next to Red Eye guys and they’ll get recognized by someone who goes on to say that they watch the show ALL THE TIME and then I’ll kind of preen and stand there waiting for them to notice me and then it doesn’t happen, and sometimes they’ll actually tell me how great the show is, like informing me about the show in case I don’t know, like I am one of them, instead of one of not them, well I find it incredibly humbling that I can pass for just a regular person. It’s very satisfying.

And just in case you’re thinking that in real life maybe I look different than I do on TV… the above has happened on nights when I’ve done the show. Meaning I look exactly like I do on TV, minus the TV screen around my head which I’m totally going to start wearing. But that’s not the only change I’m going to make:

1) I’m going to don recognizable glasses.
2) I’m going to print up this blog and hand it out at concerts and stick it on windshields under wiper blades
3) I’m going to begin hanging out on Long Island, where people watch A&E Bios and recognize you
4) I’m going to be the best me I can be
5) If it will somehow help me get stuff I want
6) I’m going to try to pretend more that I’m really listening when other people talk but GOD, so hard!
7) I’m going to buy Alleve because I’m almost out
8) I’m going to get to the bottom of the difference between sugar free cherry jello and sugar free black cherry jello because it’s keeping me up at night
9) I’m going to quit lying
10) I never lie
11) shit!
12) I’m going to think more about puppies and ducklings because they’re my favorite

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Where to see me on TV. Also, when to see me on TV.

Greetings my little yule logs,

I think this might be a repeat of info you already have. But anyway…

Just a note to say I’ll be on Red Eye tonight. So will Jim Norton. Please watch or else Jim will cry. (Red Eye, Fox News Channel, 3am EST, check local listings. This is on Thursday night/Friday morning.)

And then tomorrow morning (Friday morning) I’ll be on The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet talking about how to look ten pounds slimmer for your holiday party. Tip number 1: stand next to a fat person. (OK so that’s not actually one of the tips. It’s just good thinking.)

(Check local listings for Morning Show with Mike & Juliet. It’s on from 9am to 10am in New York on channel 5. You can check local listings here: http://www.mandjshow.com/about-the-show/)

Hope you’re staying warm unless you’re in a warm place and then hope you’re staying cool. I guess what I’m really saying is that I hope your holidays are room temperature.

Alison

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See me on The Strategy Room at 3pm today EST

You can watch it here. www.foxnews.com/strategyroom

And then I’ll be on Red Eye Thursday night/Fri morning and The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet on Friday morning. I’m totally infesting your TV.

Infest is a gross word. Even if you had an infestation of something cute, like ducklings. In fact I’d almost say a duckling infestation is an oxymoron. But it’s not. Just almost. You know?

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I'll be on The Strategy Room tomorrow at 12pm

I believe none other than Bill Schulz will also be on that hour.

In other news I’d like to know if it’s possible to go to a party and not wake up the following morning feeling kind of hoarse? How do other people do this? I mean, I can’t deprive people of my fascinating anecdotes and delightful conversation. That would be cruel.

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A slew of photos


Here I am with the imaginary father of my imaginary children, Joshua McCarroll, Red Eye wunderkind and McConaughey correspondent. We’re in the green room, wearing green. Well, one of us was. By the way, McConaughey is kind of impossible to spell.


Here I am doing The Strategy Room earlier today. I totally came up with the best strategy. I’d tell you, but it’s a secret.


Here I am smiling, probably at something I said.


Here I am cocking my head because I heard a high pitched noise or smelled a piece of kibble.


This is me on Red Eye last night shortly before Greg called me out for not answering the specific question he asked. What you didn’t hear in the commercial break? Me saying “How dare you call me out for not answering the question! Not answering the question is the backbone of this show!”

And then here’s where I explained that I don’t think smart pills actually make you smart. I think they make you annoying.


And then here I am making this face.


Oh look, it’s the beach (I had to get these off my camera. They’re from my recent trip of OC for Thanksgiving).


Another beach shot.


Another beach shot. Lovely, isn’t it?


And then here’s a couch I saw today at Raymour & Flanigan. This one’s four hundred and something dollars cheaper than the one sitting in my apartment right now but which I could return. Should I return the one in my apartment and get this one instead? It’s entirely polyester/synthetic/foam whereas there are actual feathers/down in the one in my apartment. Hm. It seemed comfortable though.

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