Subscribe to my Substack!!!!

Archive | parents being all parenty

Dads are the next hot trend

dadtobey

You know what’s a hot trend right now? Dads. I am basing this on two things: 1) everyone LOVES the episodes of The Daily Alison featuring my dad. 2) some guy on twitter is totally copying me and writing down crazy shit his dad says and tweeting it under the name @shitmydadsays and everyone’s talking about it and he has a zillion followers.

Ok so perhaps he’s not copying me, but I mean, he’s not NOT copying me.

So when all the other people start writing about how dads are the next hot thing and dads are a meme and all that, please remember that you read it here first. I INVENTED dads, you guys. Before I came along it was all single parent households and moms and I was like, “Hey, I have an idea, lets get some dads all up in here,” and then fast forward to now where they are so popular they even have their own holiday. Plus, you can put many words in front the words dad and father to add shades of meaning which shows that the mere notion of male parents is infiltrating culture. Some examples?

Absentee

Deadbeat

Rad

Ducklike

Drunk

Abusive

Negligent

Funky

But wait you guys, you can also add words AFTER the words father and dad. I’m telling you, there’s no stopping dads. They are here to stay! Check it out. Apply the following words and phrases after dad or father:

of the year

of the bride

knows best

doesn’t live here anymore

left, but it’s not your fault

moved out, but it is your fault

drinks a lot

is drunk again

is so silly!

is taking a nap. shhhh.

Continue Reading

I'm not sure if I can hear you

My parents have begun speaking in a volume that I’d put somewhere between a prairie dog burp and a mouse fart. Which is to say, I can’t hear them. The exception to this is in the morning when my mom is having an argument with Tobey. “Tobey, NO!” she’ll scream, the windows rattling. “Tobey, I said NO!” she’ll thunder. Then Tobey will bark a tiny bit and then I’ll stumble into the room groggy and confused and she’ll apologize if Tobey woke me up. Other than this one time of day it’s all hushed tones. At first I thought it was me and that somehow my hearing had been compromised on the flight. “Something wrong with your ears?” my mom would say as I cupped the sides of my head. “No thanks, I don’t like beer,” I’d answer. I was upset about going deaf but getting drunk wasn’t going to solve anything.

And so it went for a few days: my parents carrying on in a way audible only to dolphins, me wondering if I should get a manicure before learning sign language, until I stepped out of the house and was commended on my incredible hearing.

Huh?

You see, all of my Costa Mesa friends used to play in bands and so their hearing is fairly terrible. “That alarm is going to drive me crazy,” I announced a couple days ago. “What alarm?” asked a friend in all seriousness. “Are you serious?” I asked, because I hadn’t read the previous sentence. He nodded and I shook my head in response. Then I clicked four times to indicate a boat on horizon. “There’s an alarm going off in the other room,” I explained. “It’s quiet but it’s been going off for about an hour.” He left to investigate. “Wow, that’s a frequency I no longer have,” he said upon returning. “That’s a shame… but you didn’t turn the alarm off,” I responded. Then I punched him. He never heard it coming.

And then I was at a party with two friends. “Wow, how can you hear that?” they asked when I said that one of the friend’s girlfriends was in the kitchen asking a question about guacamole. “I don’t know, I was convinced I was going deaf,” I said. Then they tried to claim that the reason I could hear and they couldn’t was because of angles and where I was sitting in proximity to the guacamole question versus where they were sitting. I’m not sure if they were right or not.

And… and now I can’t hear myself think because the paternal mouse farter is talking loudly on the phone. Do they just save up their volume for phone calls and yelling at Tobey? Or are they trying to gaslight me? I feel gaslit. Gaslighted? Gaslain?

Continue Reading

I did not make toast

I did not make toast. I know this because I don’t have a toaster. I don’t even have bread. Yes, I could have made imaginary toast with imaginary bread in the over or broiler or on the stove, but I didn’t, because that’s not the kind of thing I would do. And yet it smells strongly of toast in here, and not just any toast but burnt toast, and it’s coming from my hair dryer which I just used to blow hot toast air all over my head. I smell like a bakery accident.

So why don’t I just replace my hair dryer? Are you kidding? The thing cost like 8 million dollars. It’s made from baby otters and white truffles. It has tourmaline in it which is so fancy it’s not even a real chemical and it does something with ions that probably doesn’t hold up to real science either. I think it might run on nuclear energy.

So then why don’t I consult the warranty? Are you crazy? Are you hearing anything I’m saying? I don’t even have bread in my apartment. Why would I possibly still have the warranty? Obviously I slathered peanut butter on it and ate it ages ago.

Continue Reading

Apparently I'm not the dinner partying kind

So I was talking to my mom earlier on the phone about apartments and I was saying that one was so small it was more like a dorm room than an apartment and you wouldn’t want to have people over and she was asking if you wouldn’t be able to have anyone over, not even one person, and I was saying that you could have one person over but you’d never want to have a dinner party.

At that point she kind of scoffed and chortled, she scfortled, as if I am not the dinner party type. I am SO the dinner party type and the fact that she can’t see my inner casserole dish and the oil and vinegar cruets behind my eyes—well that kind of hurts. If you stab me with a dinner fork do I not bleed? If you shove little corn poker things onto the ends of ears of corn does it not make them cuter? (it does! and easier to eat! not that I’ve had corn in a million years, but that’s beside the point)

Anyway, just because I haven’t entertained in a zillion years and just because I wouldn’t know human companionship if it came up and bit me on my agoraphobic tushy does not mean that I don’t know how to throw a fun fest for a few fancy friends.

And to prove it, I thought I’d detail the itinerary:

First my guests would arrive and we’d chit chat while assembling my furniture. Then we’d eat pretzels. Then we’d play dress up. Then we’d skip rocks. Then we’d take a nap. Then we’d help me lift heavy things and change any bulbs that are out that I can’t reach. Then we’d play sardines. Then I’d sing a song for everyone. Then we’d make a toast. Then we’d have quiet time where you could read or nap or color or play with stickers. Then we’d go miniature golfing or roller skating, I haven’t decided. Then we’d probably go out to dinner. Then we’d watch a movie on my home movie theater. Then we’d take funny photos. Then the shuttle would come to take everyone home.

See? I know dinner parties!

Continue Reading

dogs, parents

I think my dad just kind of encouraged me to get a puppy! It’s pretty sad that at my age I still need my parents’ approval for basic life decisions—like inviting adorableness into my heart and home—however I would have guessed they wouldn’t think I was mature enough to get a dog—which is also funny since I suspect they think I’m mature enough to have a child. Speaking of, I should water Fred.

Continue Reading

This just happened

my dad: Are you going to write more on your blog, Ali?
me: do you mean… ever?
my dad: well, I’m just tired of reading the same thing!

In that case I’ll say that my dad and I were rooting for different Davids to win American Idol. I kind of liked the furry little David better, but I’m also a latecomer to the season so perhaps if I’d been watching religiously I’d have different feelings about the winning David. Ellen Degeneres likes him better, she said as much on her show which I saw on the airplane, so there’s that.

I’m doing Chelsea Lately tomorrow and I think I’m a little nervous. It’s weird because I don’t usually get nervous anymore. And I was going to say that it’s the first TV I’ve done in LA but that’s not true either. Hm.

Continue Reading

Site: Todd Jackson | Art Direction: Josh Holtsclaw | Original Logo: Kezilla | Show Music: Tom Rapp