Save the date rape
All of a sudden infant death syndrome
Out of the blue balls
Studying for the big final solution
Have mercy killing
You’re golden showers
Not my cup of tea bagging
Moby Dick Head
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Ides of March madness
I kept hearing people make Ides of March references yesterday and was thinking they were jumping the gun but then I realized yesterday really WAS the 15th and hence, they weren’t jumping the gun, they were concomitant with the gun. Is that the right word? Gun?
And then I was thinking that I should write a funny post about alternate March holidays like:
The Tides of March
The Brides of March
The Guides of March
The Slides of March
The Glides of March
The Wides of March (no offense, fatties)
The Tides of March (this one is about detergent as opposed to the first one which is about lunar stuff)
The Rides of March (woohoo, roller coasters!)
The Rides of March (woohoo, public transportation!)
And then I was forced to admit that there just isn’t anything funny about The Ides of March.
Hello blog readers
Just wanted to say that I have not forsaken you! I love you more than I love Facts of Life which is pretty much the most I can possibly love anything. It just hasn’t been a bloggy day. Actually, I have a blockage of blogs which is what happens sometimes. There are about three long posts clogging the blog flume. You know? Anyway, just didn’t want you to think you weren’t first and foremost in my thoughts.
My thoughts:
1. You
2. it’s kind of hot in here
3. I’m sleepy
4. iMovie is frustrating me
5. am I entertained by Russell Brand?
6. Blogger seems buggy right now
7. I’m closing in on 2000 followers on Twitter. Yay for me!
8. I need a haircut
9. Maybe I should watch M.A.S.H.? I went through M.A.S.H. phase around the holidays.
10. Times were simpler then
11. Why are capers called nonpareils?
Kiersey Pretention Sorter
Choose which answer you most identify with:
I tend toward
a) cravats
b) pocket watches
c) reading texts in the language in which they were written
I prefer to speak
a) on a rotary phone
b) on the latest piece of cutting edge technology
c) French
When a friend comes to me with a problem, I
a) quote Kierkegaard
b) thaw some Kobe beef, order up an 8 ball and make a night of it
c) think to myself, What Would Sartre Do?
Love
a) is something which inspires wars
b) is something which inspires poetry
c) is something I feel when I hear myself speak
Going to a restaurant is a chance
a) to show off my extensive knowledge of fine cuisine
b) to show off my extensive knowledge of fine wine
c) to order in Italian
One should always
a) drink champagne when one has the opportunity
b) love as if there is no tomorrow
c) cry after sex
Vacation
a) is good for the soul
b) is good for the spirit
c) is something I refer to as “going on holiday”
My guilty pleasure is
a) Shostokovich
b) Reading something in translation
c) Anais Nin
Breakfast
a) organic yoghurt
b) bulgar
c) something I shot on safari along with two fresh eggs from my own egg-laying chicken
Myers-Briggs Creepy Index
In social situations you tend to:
a) rock back and forth
b) eat hand
c) pet own face while staring intently at strangers and mouthing “you”
d) STOP YELLING AT ME
Your friends describe you as
a) mute
b) human-like at times
c) creepy
d) friends?
You get energy from
a) dead animals
b) avoiding people
c) I SAID STOP YELLING AT ME!
d) helmets and/or robots
Your first thought in the morning is typically
a) Guess they had the LD50 wrong. AGAIN.
c) Time to wear someone else’s skin!
b) I would like to do something weird with pantyhose
d) Same shit, different jail cell
Your binoculars are
a) Something you keep on your bedside table
b) Useful for birding
c) And by birding you mean hiding in bushes and staring at people with binoculars
d) out to get you
After prolonged socializing you feel the need to
a) lick your lips repeatedly
b) pick at your scabs
c) touch yourself in public
d) grow dreadlocks (white people only)
If a candy bar was named after you it would be
a) Baby Ruth Won’t Stop Crying!
b) Nuts And Chocolate Minus Chocolate!
c) DSMmmm!
d) Kit Skat
Books, shows and movies as imagined by Nadya Suleman
Are we as a culture over Octo Mom? Or is it just me because I talked about it on Geraldo on Oscars night? (Oh, did I mention that already?) Anyway, I made this list even though it feels kind of like a yesterday thing to do. Maybe I’m just moving too fast? Probably. I’m very ahead of my time. In fact I’ve already enjoyed this weekend. I’d tell you what I did but don’t want to cause a tear in the space time continuum. I’m sure you understand. [oh, and cheesy request here but if you like this list please use the Share This button at the bottom to digg it or technorati it or make it delicious or put lip gloss on it or call it Trudie or whatever it is that people do when they do that stuff.]
Books, shows and movies as imagined by Nadya Suleman
What to Expect When You’re Expecting Octuplets
With Eight You Get Eggroll… And Gov’t Assistance
Eight Isn’t Enough
Three Men and a Baby, Plus Seven More Babies, Minus Three Men
He’s Just Not That Into Eight Babies
The Audacity of Hoping No One Notices You’re a Crazy Bitch With Fourteen Children
The Seven Habits of Highly Fertile Women
I Hope They Serve Huggies In Hell
Like Breast Milk For Chocolate
The Unbearable Lightness of Micro-Preemies
A few things
1. My computer is surrounded by a force field of inactivity which sucks me into sitting in front of it and blithely fucking around (as ever Todd, I am sorry!) and yet accomplishing very little. It’s enervating. Maybe it’s releasing carbon monoxide fumes? I will attach a detector to my forehead.
2. Um… I know there was something else I was going to say but see number 1.
3. Oh yes! I received a call today and my caller ID said “telemarketer.” It was the single best moment I’ve ever experienced with caller ID and now I’m marrying caller ID and my last name will be ID. Alison Rosen ID. And I’ll give birth to LCD read outs. I tried to take a picture but because of the flash it didn’t come out.
Yep, you can’t make it out.
Also can’t make it out in this one.
And then I noticed a striking similarity between the blurry bright greenish caller ID photos and the blurry bright greenish me photo above.
And then here’s a photo of a duckling.
4. I’m going to be on a radio show tomorrow around 11am ET. I’ll tell you the details when I’m good and ready so just step off.
5. Just kidding. Step on!
6. Dustin and I recorded what struck both of us as an insanely awesome supersized video which is like the ghost in the machine. Is that a reference to something that fucks (sorry Todd) up your machine? Because that’s what I mean. It’s the shoe that the saboteurs threw into the whatever they threw shoes into. It’s a sabot. Could I BE more pretentious right now with my fancy French references? [This just in, I went looking for a link about the origin of the word sabotage and apparently that story may be apocryphal. So, hmmmmmmmm.]
7. What I mean to say is that I can’t get the damn thing on my computer and it’s bugging the fuck (I’m not even going to say it this time) out of me. But I will persevere.
8. Except apparently not near my computer because of the aforementioned daze I’m lulled into when I get near it.
9. Sleepy. Sooooo sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.
10. You know that scene in The Jungle Book where Mowgli is sort of hypnotized by the snake whose eyes go in circles? Am I even remembering this correctly? I’m not sure because I’m practically sleep blogging. This is like that.
11. Maybe it’s the snow?
12. I got a call today. My couch is ready to be scheduled for delivery. For those who are new to my blog, well, perhaps the old timers around here can explain the significance in the comments? I’m too lazy and tired.
13. Oh and one more thing, where are my blog followers going? The number went from 111 to 104. Is it because of the koala bear?
14. Just didn’t want to end on 13 even though I’m not superstitious except for sometimes.
101 Things To Do In A Sh*tty Economy, 1-11
Bad finances got you down? Try one of the following penny-pinching solutions.
1. Never can get the last bits of lipstick out of your near empty tubes? Don’t fret, pet. Wait until you’ve got a bunch (at least 5) and then head to your nearest MAC store where you can use them to beat the cashier until she hands over all the money in the register.
2. Weather is your friend. Capture light wintry mix in a bowl. Add dirt from your garden (No garden? Scrape the bottom of your shoe!) and serve at your next cocktail party!
3. Don’t throw out those last pieces of soap. Put them in a pot, boil them down and make soup!
4. Shave your head. The money you save on shampoo alone will be enough to buy food for your egg-laying chicken. (see #5)
5. Buy an egg-laying chicken. The money you save on eggs alone will be more than enough to pay for a wig. (see #4)
6. Egg-laying chicken turned out to be a rooster? Look on the bright side. Now you’ll never miss another sunrise. Nor will any of your neighbors!
7. OK so it looks like you’ll be needing a lawyer as your neighbors weren’t able to look on the bright side. Whip up a bowl of your best soap soup and offer to trade services. (Soap soup in exchange for legal representation.)
8. So you got evicted. Grab your rooster and hit the road. Think of it as an adventure! Fuck conformity, hobo chic style!
9. Instead of spending your hard earned money at a laundromat, wash clothes in shower (just get in shower fully clothed) and then dry them in the microwave. Make sure there’s no metal in your clothing. Consider a browning sleeve if you like your shirts crispy.
10. Old cook’s secret: In a pinch, eye makeup remover can double for olive oil in your recipes.
11. Baking a cake but unsure whether the oven is the right temperature and can’t afford an accurate thermometer? Stick hand in oven. When skin is light and flaky, cake is done.
[do I even need to say that you shouldn’t actually try any of these at home and this list is just a joke?]
More Oscar predictions
People will wear dresses. Especially the women.
Speeches? They’ll run longish.
Someone will be in the bathroom when their name is called.
There will be talk of whether awards shows are appropriate in a recession.
Someone will claim that receiving this award is “humbling.”
Those shoes are fantastic!
The people without whom it wouldn’t have been possible will be thanked.
Except someone will forget to thank someone. Should person who forgets to do the thanking be married to the person who wasn’t thanked, people will wonder whether there’s marital discord.
There is. I’m sleeping with the person who wasn’t thanked.
It was tremendous honor to begin an affair with that person.
That person was very brave and fearless.
I did it for all of you, the fans who made it possible for me to continue getting up in the morning and hiding in the bushes. Without you I never could have done it.
My kids are at home and I also did it for them.
Sadie? Elvin? This award is for you.
It’s incredibly humbling to have won TWO awards and unfortunately I only prepared one speech, please excuse me while I recycle it.
Elvin? Sadie? This award is for you. Bushes? Thanks for hiding me.
Uh oh, they’re telling me to exit the stage. Oh no, oh no, I think I’m forgetting someone. My wonderful agent Jim and his wonderful agent Ken and my wonderful producers and the people who make me look like this. My caterer Sam and my gardener Bill and my actuary Bob and my manicurist Cherise and my tailor Taylor and my cobbler Kevin and my hairstylist Ormond and my spiritual adviser Sally Brompton and my best friend and the best support any girl could have, ok fine, I’m leaving. Ok get your hands off me. I said–
More Things He's Just Not That Into
Eucalyptus
Euphemisms (he’s a straight shooter)
Units of measurement (he prefers to shoot from the hip)
Yucaipa, California
Yosemite, pronounced wrong
Ujubes which are boxes of Jujubes but the J is torn off
Huge things pronounced in that way that some people pronounce it where the H is a Y and you’re like “why are you saying that?”
Uvulas
Eunice Mary Kennedy Shriver, a member of the Kennedy family who helped found the Special Olympics
Unique baubles (he prefers his baubles to be commonplace, bordering on mundane)
Yule Brenner
Yule logs (he’s Jewish. but you know, like super into it)
You Be The Judge! (he’s super bossy and always wants to be the judge)
Yoo-hoo (he’s allergic to “chocolatey”)
Yahoo Sirius (reminds him of Yoo-hoo)
Yahoo (he prefers google)
Universities (he’s opposed to the Ivory Tower and academics in general. Don’t even get him started!)
University Presses (he prefers desktop publishing)
You Know It! (hates sassy catchphrases)
You Bet Your Sweet Bippy! (see above)
UNESCO (he’s sort of an anarchist)