Archive | if I drew cartoons

So I used to do this recurring thing on Red Eye and also on this blog where I’d mention cartoons I’d draw if I drew cartoons for the New Yorker. They were always kind of purposefully lame with perhaps a wee ribbon of clever in them although really, there was no guarantee of clever. If there was a clever surprise in there you would feel fortunate but realize it was nothing to depend on. Sort of like when the results of any sort of blood test come back and you find out that you’re not dying, if you happen to be a hypochondriac which I’m not but I’ve known a lot of them, some of whom are still alive.

Anyway, I woke up this morning with the following in my head. It’s only semi-amusing if you realize that this was dream logic—it makes little sense in waking life.

Here is the cartoon.

I’m on a corner. A cat is, well, I just realized the cat is positioned “catty corner” (ugh, sometimes my dream brain is so cliche) and the cat has its paw extended as if giving me the right of way. The caption is, “And they say feline chivalry is dead.”

Some of you may be familiar with my ongoing “If I drew cartoons for The New Yorker” blog post series. Others of you are about to become intimately acquainted. Hope you’re sitting down because hilarity is about to ensue. Or if not hilarity, a slight titter. A wee chuckle. A pained grimace.

If I drew cartoons for The New Yorker I’d draw one of a woman staring at a bunch of magazines on her coffee table with titles like “Go to Hell!” and “Don’t Talk To Me!” and “Don’t Even Start With Me!” and “I Hate You!” and she’d have this horrified look on her face and there would be a guy coming through the door to save the day and the caption would be, “Have no fear ma’am, I’m an anti-social media expert!”

If I drew cartoons for the New Yorker I’d draw one of someone saying that lately they’re having trouble getting out of bed in the morning but then the image would be someone in bed and there would be some actual physical impediment preventing them from getting out of bed in the morning. Maybe there would be a tiger sitting on them? I can’t figure out what it would be exactly but it would be very clever and also whimsical.

I think I won’t be sharing this one on Red Eye. It’s TOO GOOD. And by that I mean, not good enough.

Note: Click here for all the “If I drew cartoons” posts should you be wanting more background on all this.

I’d draw one of a guy in the middle of a labyrinth or maze and the caption would be “I’m getting a little tired of staring at these same 37 walls.”

If I drew cartoons for the New Yorker I’d do one of a guy on a horse near a cactus and maybe some antlers or sagebrush or a skull and he’d be wearing a sombrero and a poncho and he’d have a look of total confusion on his face, like he didn’t know how he got there or who he was. The caption would be “Mr. Smith has a señor moment.”