Subscribe to my Substack!!!!

Archive | freelancing makes you weird

Things to think about when naming your imaginary pets

Earlier tonight I went on like six dates with seven guys and then I hit an array of parties, a few summits and one fête before coming home to think about good names for imaginary crime fighting puppies. How is a fête different from a party? If you have to ask you’d never understand. I mean, seriously.

I was thinking about names because I announced earlier that I’d never name a puppy Sal which seemed to ruffle a few feathers. Look people, I just wouldn’t and it’s not because I had a bad run in years ago with a broker named Sal. Wait, yes it is.

It got me thinking about… what was I saying? I’m very unfocused right now because the TV is on and there are people talking about the job market. More like there are people yelling at me about the job market. Also, there are words flying across the screen. It’s very dynamic. You know, if dynamic meant “so busy I want to throw my shoe at the TV.”

I’d throw the Magic 8 Ball but then how would I ever make a decision?

Me: Should I throw you at the TV?
Magic 8 Ball: Outlook not so good.

Um, so anyway I was going to tell you about the list of puppy names I’d made, with your help, back when my parents first got Tobey-who-didn’t-have-a-name and then I was going to explain that when naming imaginary pets you often have to see them first. For example, I’m currently the proud owner of a pair of imaginary mackerel named Bob and Kelvin. How did I get those names? Well, okay, confession: I overheard them introducing themselves to someone. But the point is that the names really do suit them. One day Kelvin told me he was thinking of going by Chaz and I was like, “Who are you trying impress, Kelvin?” I hope that wasn’t too harsh, come to think of it. I want to nurture his imagination while at the same time making sure he’s got a grip on reality and strong sense of self. It’s a delicate balance I suppose.

Continue Reading

Stuff I've accomplished today

In case you’re thinking I haven’t accomplished much today I’m standing here telling you that you are wrong with a capital WR! WRong my friend. Incorrect. Erroneous. Full of misinformation. Dunderheaded. Chowderbrained. Mistaken. Specious.

Not that I have to justify myself to you or anything but I may as well tell you just a little bit about all that I’ve done. But I’m telling you because I want to, not because I owe you or because I have anything to prove so don’t get the wrong idea.

I placed an order on drugstore.com for shampoo and toilet paper except web sites refuse to call it toilet paper which is evidently grody and gauche and so I had to search around the site trying to find it. I ordered 18 rolls of something called “aluminum foil.” Hope it’s the right thing!

THEN my mom called and I stayed on the phone with her for an hour even though I said three times “I don’t want to be on the phone anymore.” I even whined something fierce by the third time. Then I pouted for awhile.

THEN I took a shower and not just any shower but a cold one. And here’s the thing that gets me, I was just talking with someone about the amazing water pressure in my shower so I’m concerned the shower overheard me and got too comfortable. You know? I’m not ready for the shower to have stopped trying.

THEN I shivered for awhile.

THEN I turned blue and dropped dead.

THEN I checked my email.

THEN I drank some black cherry flavored sparkling water which is free of calories, caffeine and sodium but full of heroin, which I dump in by the rock full. By the chunk full? By the resin? By the small bag? I’m sorry, apparently I don’t know as much about heroin as I pretend.

THEN I wrote this blog post.

THEN someone gave me a puppy and I played with it. “How did you know?” I asked. “I just did,” said… the puppy. His name was Sal.

THEN I renamed the puppy because I wouldn’t name a puppy Sal. I mean, give me a break!

THEN I noticed that my fingers were kid of pruney.

THEN the puppy and I fought crime together and saved three porpoises and an orphan.

THEN I did other amazing things that I’m not going to tell you about because frankly, you and I are SO OVER.

Continue Reading

Six long minutes of shuffling

You know how some people just have that certain quality where they could do anything on camera and you’d watch them? Well this video does nothing to suggest I may be one of them, but fuck it, I will shuffle in bad lighting for six minutes because who’s to stop me? The shuffle police? The bad lighting gestapo? The card guard? The bulb force? You know?

Also, at the beginning I rambled in a not very articulate way about today’s Strategy Room appearance.

So anyway, again, this is for those who are requesting vlogs. Should your Alison needs not include vlogs I suggest you visit my youtube page.

And should this be your first visit to my blog first of all, I’m sorry. Second of all, there’s a history with the card thing, but I’m too lazy to recap right now. Awesome!

Continue Reading

Please recognize me

So it’s come to my attention that my ex-boyfriend who has been featured in some of those A&E Bios that I’ve also been in was recognized by a waiter over the weekend. How do I feel about this? I’m glad I asked. You might think I would be slightly disgruntled that he was recognized and I never am when I’ve literally been on TV 8 million times (no, literally! I counted!) but see, that’s not how I am. I don’t do it for the recognition. I do it for the adulation. Also, all the sex. I can count how many times I’ve been recognized on one hand and not just any hand but a hand that is missing all its fingers and also its thumb. I can count the times on a stump. Does this bother me? Again, you are getting the wrong idea there pal about what’s important to me. The children are important. My hair is important. People thinking highly of me, especially people I don’t know, is important. Being treated slightly better than a regular person. All that is important to me. But having someone lavish praise on me in public? Only some kind of asshole would enjoy that. It’s for this reason that the times that I’ve been standing next to Red Eye guys and they’ll get recognized by someone who goes on to say that they watch the show ALL THE TIME and then I’ll kind of preen and stand there waiting for them to notice me and then it doesn’t happen, and sometimes they’ll actually tell me how great the show is, like informing me about the show in case I don’t know, like I am one of them, instead of one of not them, well I find it incredibly humbling that I can pass for just a regular person. It’s very satisfying.

And just in case you’re thinking that in real life maybe I look different than I do on TV… the above has happened on nights when I’ve done the show. Meaning I look exactly like I do on TV, minus the TV screen around my head which I’m totally going to start wearing. But that’s not the only change I’m going to make:

1) I’m going to don recognizable glasses.
2) I’m going to print up this blog and hand it out at concerts and stick it on windshields under wiper blades
3) I’m going to begin hanging out on Long Island, where people watch A&E Bios and recognize you
4) I’m going to be the best me I can be
5) If it will somehow help me get stuff I want
6) I’m going to try to pretend more that I’m really listening when other people talk but GOD, so hard!
7) I’m going to buy Alleve because I’m almost out
8) I’m going to get to the bottom of the difference between sugar free cherry jello and sugar free black cherry jello because it’s keeping me up at night
9) I’m going to quit lying
10) I never lie
11) shit!
12) I’m going to think more about puppies and ducklings because they’re my favorite

Continue Reading

Need a resolution?

If you’re like me then you’re already perfect so New Year’s Eve proves troublesome when it comes to choosing a resolution. How can you fix what isn’t broken? How can you improve on perfection? How do you solve a problem like Maria?

And yet you know someone is going to ask you about your resolution and you’re going to have to come up with something. Below are some trusty standbys. Choose one or choose a few. Mix and match! Or don’t. But if you need one in a pinch, here you go:

I resolve to:

stop biting my nails
start biting my nails
stop swearing in front of children
have some children and not swear in front of them
stop exposing myself to the neighbors
expose myself to the neighbors
stop eating my feelings
stop eating your feelings
stop doing drugs
only do fun drugs
stop setting fires

start journaling
start exercising
start living life to the fullest
start reading (i.e. learn how to read)
start not being such as asshole
start paying for stuff instead of just putting it in my pocket and running out of the store

lose ten pounds
lose the ‘tude
lose my keys and find them in the outstretched hand of an attractive gentleman who caught them when I threw them at him really hard, accidentally
lose half my savings in a Ponzi scheme
lose my shirt in a poker game
lose my cool in a high pressure situation
lose the weave, girlfriend

talk to a physician
talk to a professional
talk to my boss
talk to the hand
leave a message at the wrist

send thank you notes
send warm wishes
send bills on time
send balls of yarn
send emails from the computer at home instead of while you’re telling me a story which I’m pretending to listen to but really not because I’m sending email
send a letter it would get there faster

update my facebook status
update my marital status
update my style
update my steez
update my showering schedule
update my linked in page because I’m only 70% done

wash my makeup brushes
wash my dog
wash my hair
wash that man right out of my life (plus, send him on his way)
wash off the clown makeup
wash off the blood
wash off the meringue residue

write down all my brilliant ideas
write down computer passwords so I don’t forget them
learn to juggle

change computer passwords because I wrote them down and lost the papers
change underwear
change my bad habits
change, be the

Continue Reading

A joke about furniture

Note: sometimes I come up with terrible jokes, the kind that make you groan. It’s getting worse as I get older, though my allergy to cats is getting better as I get older. I don’t know what to make of this. Eventually my sense of humor will deteriorate to the point where the only kinds of jokes I can make are truly embarrassing and at that point I’ll know it’s time to have kids.

Anyway, to the joke, and I use the word “joke” loosely:

Woman: It’s an occasional table.

Man: Well, what else is it? (maybe this should be: What’s it when it’s not a table?)

Or maybe it should be “What’s an occasional table when it’s not a table?”
But then I don’t know what the answer is.

Continue Reading

Sometimes I get all deep and stuff

I have oodles of free time. So much that I hardly have a moment to myself. It’s always jet skiing and flower pressing and foreign language classes. I nearly whacked my head this morning on an egg-laying chicken as I was making my way out the door to pick up wax for letter embossing. In between the stress of that and the wooziness of giving blood, how can I be expected to fly a kite? And my cribbage partner has given up on me. That’s what was on my mind in the shower this morning.

Well, that and the arbitrariness of the days of the week. Why does the day change at midnight? And how different would everything be if it changed at noon? I think this is what you think about when you appear on a show that airs at 3am. I never know which day to assign to it. It really feels like part of the day before, yet technically it’s a new day. Hence the arbitrariness because no one really considers midnight a new day unless you’re talking birthdays or periods of time you’re trying to get through.

I mean yes, it somewhat correlates to the sun, but I don’t believe in the sun, so I refute that theory.

Continue Reading

If you like festive seasonal crap

If you like festive seasonal crap then I am duty bound to tell you that now is the time of year that Celestial Seasonings puts out their special holiday themed teas. There’s Gingerbread Spice, Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride, Last Year’s Fruit Cake, Cranberry Frostbite and Fuck, Where’d I Put The Wrapping Paper. I may have made up those last three but the first two exist and I’m telling you, they are whimsy in a cup. Need more proof? I offer the following good cheer filled picture essay.

Gingerbread Spice tea plus…

a cup, plus…

a willingness to enjoy festive tea…


I mean a real willingness, the kind evidenced by crossing one of your eyes…

and making out with your cup…


Leads to this.

The End.

Continue Reading

Freelancing Makes You Weird

Freelancing makes you weird but it also makes you forgetful! Do people who work in offices actually work tomorrow? I can’t remember! What if I need to go to the post office? I don’t, but just saying what if I did? Or what if I needed to visit my money at the bank like in Mary Poppins? What if I need to do some offshore drilling? (before you judge, it’s a great workout!)

And by the way, “Freelancing Makes You Weird,” is the title of my new imaginary one-woman show. I think I’ll have a parrot in this show. I’m not quite sure why yet, but it just feels right. Don’t make me explain my artistic choices.

Okay fine, I’m not quite sure what I’m referring to in Mary Poppins either. Don’t they go to the bank at the end? Shortly before flying a kite?

Next you’ll tell me we can’t even fly kites tomorrow. This is most certainly not what our forefathers wanted.

Continue Reading

Site: Todd Jackson | Art Direction: Josh Holtsclaw | Original Logo: Kezilla | Show Music: Tom Rapp