I’m sitting here trying to bring my unread emails to 0. (I’ve whittled it down from over 800 to 595, which doesn’t feel like a victory. The problem is I half-read everything on my phone and then it stays unread in my inbox and if I’m especially busy, like I’ve been this past week, the emails quickly gang up and go nuts. I’m pretty sure they ordered a keg.) Anyway, I came across this photo which I may have already posted.
(UPDATE: I changed the first sentence of this post because the whole thing was just a cheap boner joke and I only believe in earned boner jokes.)
If I’d remembered Adam had a thing for MINIS as he discussed on yesterday’s podcast, I would have told him about how I’d hosted videos for MINI from the LA Auto Show a couple years ago and from the MINIspace rooftop thing the year before and how I’d driven an electric MINI and a crapload of non-electric MINIS and how no one appreciated when I suggested a MINI party bus be named a MAXI. But I didn’t tell him. But I’m telling you guys. Mostly just because I think my image is kind of marshmallow-y so I like when I can show you that I’m no stranger to tuff stuff. Not that these videos are tuff stuff. Also, when did I start using the phrase “tuff stuff”? In the previous two sentences. But I’d recommend just reading the posts (click older entries at the bottom because I think only 5 or 10 per page show up) instead of actually watching the videos which aren’t my best work by any means. Well, some of them are. But some of them aren’t.
What else did I want to tell you? Well right now there is a shower cap clamped to a hanger dangling from a rafter outside, as if we are scaring off bad hair or hanging it in effigy. It’s actually because the thing reeks so significantly of mothballs I considered for a moment that the reason old people smell like mothballs is because they use this kind of shower cap. What’s with a young person like me even owning a shower cap? Sometimes I need to take a quick shower and don’t want my hair to get wet. Plus they just look cool. (note: they DO NOT look cool) It’s just not any shower cap though, it’s a special fancy one with a terry cloth lining inside which looked appealing until I opened it up and realized the terry cloth was made from freshly spun mothballs. Or maybe the smell is coming from some other toxic source. Maybe it’s the vinyl. Regardless I’m pretty sure I should place it in a drum deep in the bowels of the sea but I’m giving it a chance to air out. If a bunch of birds drop from the sky directly over this house then we’ll know this was a mistake.
Oh, also? Tom Rapp who writes and performs all the music for my show has started a blog about it so you should go there!
So I’m overdue in posting this link to the last show of my extended tryout as newsgirl on the Adam Carolla show podcast. Perhaps you’ve noticed the way I go back and forth between calling it podcast or show? It’s because I don’t actually know which is the official name and I don’t want to be that asshole who has a whole conversation with someone named Larry and then wraps it up with, “Talk to you soon, Lenny!” Know what I mean? Alice hopes you do.
So once again the show was super duper fun even if I made the mistake of having a kind of extended conversation about what they’re looking for about 4 minutes before the show started which is akin to an athlete doing something that undermines his or her confidence right before a big game. What’s an athlete’s confidence killer? Standing next to a much bigger athlete in the mirror? Improperly carbo loading? Someone weigh in.
“Why did you do that??!?!?!” asked Dustin, putting his head in his hands and then banging his whole head plus hands on the bar in front of us when I met up with him after the show to catch him up on every delightful nuanced thought I’d had in my head for the whole week. “I don’t know! If I had handlers I wouldn’t get into this kind of trouble!” I explained. He missed the unsubtle cue to become my personal assistant for no money.
This is what Dustin and I look like when we’re having a discussion during the holidays
Then the trackball on my blackberry refused to roll left causing me to send out an unfunny tweet before I’d had a chance to revise it. It was a Deleted Tweet nightmare. (For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, Deleted Tweets is a segment I do on my show where we share tweets we thought of sending but thought better of for whatever reason.)
My friend James’s friend Rob, who also has a Blackberry, fixed my trackball though. In the midst of the trackball fixing James smugly turned to Dustin and said, “Wow, this is like an commercial for Apple.” Then I pretended to have an actual conversation on my Blackberry while knowingly looking at Rob and said, “This is a commercial for Blackberry!” Then we all went home and didn’t have sex with anyone. (For what it’s worth I’d prefer an iPhone but I’m still with Verizon which provides absolutely no cell service in my house but gets high marks in Consumer Reports.)
But back to the podshowcast, we talked about all sorts of stuff including shaving, pigeons, my attempt at original reporting, Courtney Love’s twitter defamation suit, getting dickrolled on a submarine (for those who are familiar with my show, Elliot The Pie Guy is my friend who was in the navy), birds falling from the sky and other assorted important stuff. I’m still cracking up about Bryan’s drops during the strap/strop discussion and his comments during the pigeon counting conversation. The guests were Michael Swaim and Dan O’Brien of Cracked.com and they were really funny, just as Greg Fitzsimmons was really funny the day before and TJ Miller was really funny the day before that.
It felt a little sad not going to the studio yesterday. I realized I accidentally left my mechanical pencil and hi-liter there which I’m thinking might be the nerd version of leaving your wallet behind. (The hot girl from the 80s version would be leaving your banana clip and convertible purse cover behind.)
Remember these atrocities? Anyone?
I covet the sombrero.
Last night’s Adam Carolla show was really fun even if the above thing kind of scares me owing to bozophobia (fear of clowns) which I’ve discussed on this blog but which is actually anthropofauxphobia, or fear of fake people which is another entirely made-up umbrella term which includes fear of dolls and mannequins and masks and whatnot.
It’s actually lessened in my old age and once I spent the night at a friend’s mom’s house in her doll room and didn’t even scream!
So I don’t want to give away too much of my own internal stuff especially since I know all about the “more mystery less history” credo but I will say that the Jan 5 show felt much better for me than the Jan 4 show because I think I was holding a lot of dos and donts in my head and just overthinking everything. Not to mention just getting warmed up and comfortable and finding my place. It occurs to me that if I don’t get the gig after writing this I will probably look like a giant asswipe for parsing it in this manner. And for using the word parse.
Anyway, last night felt effortless and was so much fun and the time zipped by.
Owing to all the fonduzzi and masturbation talk, there wasn’t much time to get to all the news. Also because I couldn’t shut up about rock tumblers and geodes.
Collecting dust for the past 25 or so years. I plan to use it any day now.
But we did discuss Snooki’s Hemingwayesque prose and Alec Baldwin’s potential political run. I also briefly touched on this iPhone alarm problem and Bald Bryan tried to be a one-upper by mentioning this. Good thing I ferociously called him on it.
And Adam asked me if I would hook up with The Bieber but I thought he said The Beaver. Yes on both counts.
Rumored to be hooking up with Selena Gomez
I’ll be doing the news and making random fart noises (note: no fart noises) on Adam Carolla’s podcast this week. I had a great time returning to the show last night and accidentally insulting TJ Miller. And for what it’s worth, I would never have a hot pink bathroom. Not even if it increased self-expansion or got me kicked out of a nursing program or sent me lewd texts. I’m just sayin’.
Mid-yawn.
Full yawn.
On last night’s show, the very first Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend of the new year, we started talking about the band Zebrahead for some reason which allowed me to remind everyone that I’ve been to the Playboy Mansion three times, which I like to work into as many conversations as possible. Here’s the story I mentioned writing about Zebrahead shooting their video at the mansion.
And while we’re discussing my Playboy oeuvre, which we may as well discuss, here are some other stories I wrote from that time: Sex Ed., Sex Court, this thing.
While trying to find the above stories I just stumbled onto this. I think I’m on wikileaks.
Oh and listen to me on Adam Carolla’s show this week!
Is it too early for me to gripe? I don’t think so: Is there anything more annoying than when you’re trying to concentrate and someone tries to talk to you? Whenever I’m at the computer I feel like I’m trying to remember a number of things which may just be the effect of tabbed browsing and also my super high powered lightning quick brain (which can’t retain much) and then now that I’m living with eight hundred other human beings someone will come by and say hi in a very normal nice way and I will try my hardest to eke out the tiniest hello without losing whatever I’m trying to remember and without making them feel like an asshole for being friendly. Maybe I should do what everyone used to do at the magazine I worked for? Wear earphones that weren’t plugged in and greet any sort of intrusion with ferocious bitchiness? It’s a particular problem when trying to write any sort of blog post. Unlike writing a story or anything in a word document which feels linear in a way, writing a blog post always involves the feeling of juggling a bunch of balls. I don’t know why. That is all.
Oh! It’s an all night pouch belt! I stand corrected.
It’s 11:08 am in CA on December 30. As I tweeted this morning, it’s New Year’s Eve Eve and not too early to begin counting down if you start with a gigantic number or count really slowly. Anyway, I’m going to liveblog the remaining moments of 2010 because a meaningful life isn’t about places or things, it’s about people. In this case I mean me.
11:12 Took a shower.
11:16 Just sent a text message.
11:17 I probably could have said, “Just sent a text,” and you’d know what I mean but I clarified because I don’t want you to think I sent a text book.
11:20 Sent someone a text book.
11:23 Getting ready to blow dry my hair. Sometimes it takes me a little while to get to it. In the New Year I will compress the time in between showering and blow drying so that eventually I am blow drying in the shower.
11:25 Blow drying in the shower! What a brilliant time saver! I probably should have been an inventor of some sort.
11:28 Still haven’t begun blow drying.
11:29 If I were an inventor I bet I’d get a lot of questions about being a female inventor and whether I faced discrimination and if it was tough coming up in the inventor world without female role models.
11:30 My role model was Geppetto.
2:23 Just sent an email.
2:23.5 It stands for “electronic mail.” Duh.
2:24 I should probably do some things since I have things I need to do however I just sent a message to a couple friends saying we have 32 hours to come up with NYE plans which is not only enough time to come up with plans it’s also enough time to murder someone, if this were a movie involving a caper resulting in murder. One friend responded that if they just murder me then they don’t have to find plans. I feel loved.
2:28 How did I arrive at 32 hours you’re wondering? I used an abacus.
2:30 “abacus” made me think of “albatross” which I wanted to share with you since we’re sharing things.
2:31 Don’t touch that!
3:23 Just went diving into some of the boxes I brought out from New York in a vain attempt to find some makeup I know I packed. Now I just feel worn out and frustrated. How am I supposed to dress up like a cat tomorrow night if I can’t find my makeup? 2011 is going to suck.
7:46 My friend recanted his plan to murder me which I really hope isn’t some fancy way of throwing me off the trail. I hate a surprise New Year’s murder. Also, I forgot to update this liveblog while I was out. That’s kind of friend I am—terrible and flaky.
7:51 While I was out flaking on you and this blog I bought some mushroom boots. Not special boots shaped like mushrooms but boots in a color described as “mushroom” which, when you think about it, is kind of gross. (I know because I already thought about it.) Also I went to Nordstrom’s Rack. Know what the best thing about Nordstrom’s Rack is? Leaving.
7:53 I’m a little sniffly. And this is going on.
8:05 I almost bought a dress at Nordstrom’s Rack without trying it on because I wanted so badly to get out of there but then I decided to just try it on and it’s a good thing I did because it looked ridiculous! It totally brought out the weird bump near my eye. Did I say bump? Bumps. Like as if a set of breasts are growing near my eye. Eye nipples.
8:07 I’m exaggerating. I’m not sprouting ocular nipples.
8:07 Of course, that’s exactly what a person sprouting ocular nipples would say, is it not?
8:07 Oh! I forgot to tell you that for Xmas (suck it, people who have a problem with me spelling it Xmas) my mom got me one of those doodleybobs (not their real name) that lets you listen to your iPod in your car over the FM transmitter. Or something like that. Well anyway this doodleybob doesn’t work well at all and you’d be surprised at the way listening to intermittent static with moments of incomprehensible voices in it isn’t relaxing.
8:13 NOT RELAXING AT ALL!
8:14 Uh oh, my eyes are lactating.
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9:36AM New Year’s Eve! I’m up and I’ve already had a cup of Spicy Eggnog flavored coffee and already made a phone call. I am seriously getting shit done. (Shit = calling Costco and looking something up on the internet)
9:38 thinking about going on a walk
9:39 I think I should call Koryn. I haven’t actually spoken to her on the phone since I left New York. Can you believe that? I can’t. Time has been all weird and jiggly since I moved here.
9:40 The above is not a reference to Dali.
9:54 Is there a way to scroll through old MySpace blogs without actually having to see each and every blog entry? Years ago I recapped a number of New Year’s Eves and I’m trying to find the blog post now but it’s taking forever because I keep having to hit the “more” tab and go through every single blog post I ever wrote over there. Damn you, MySpace, and your terrible navigation with the possible caveat that I am missing some obvious way to do this quickly!
1:11 pm Got back from taking a long walk. At one point I went into a store and was offered champagne. Who are the people who accept champagne while on a walk before noon?
1:12 On this walk I discussed New Year’s Eve with a friend and told him, “You are my first choice… and my last resort.” Then I was thinking my sister should incorporate that into her vows and then I thought more about it and realized it’s the kind of thing which sounds nice coming out of your mouth but probably doesn’t feel so great if you’re on the receiving end of it.
1:13 I found it! I found the MySpace post I was looking for!
Stroke of midnight (written on Dec. 27, 2004)
I used to place a lot of importance on New Years Eve just as I used to place a lot of importance on birthdays and Christmas and, I guess that’s it. Now that I’ve reached the advanced age of OLD I realize that none of it really matters anyway, not in a nihilistic way but just in the sense that time goes so fast and if one holiday sucks there’s another right behind. So but last night I was trying to recall where I was for new years as far back as I can remember. To wit: 2003/2004: At a tv-comedy-writer-nerd party. There was fondue. I smoked pot with a guy who’d fallen through a glass coffee table and had enriched the story with all the drama and pathos possible. Everyone knew he’d worked and reworked the story down into a routine basically, filled with blood and 911 and near-death, and so I had to hear it for myself. I later saw him on McEnroe. He bombed. I’m sorry, guy. At the stroke of midnight I gingerly kissed my date and then later called the other guy I was dating who I liked better. The New Years date was the one who I thought I should like and the other guy was the one I wished I didn’t like. And it was early enough that it was cool that I was dating two people so quit judging me, you. 2002/2003: In the bathroom. Seriously. At my friend’s surprisingly huge East Village apartment with roof access. I heard the countdown and thought about trying to get out there to find my date but making my way through the throng of people to find him, and he wasn’t the tallest guy, would have been impossible. So I leisurely put on lip gloss. 2001/2002: Detroit and then La Cave and then a misunderstanding where a guy thought he was going to bamboozle my roommate and me into a threesome. We’re unbamboozleable. And even if we weren’t, offering to let us peel his sunburn wasn’t going to cue up the bump and grind soundtrack anyway, if you know what I mean. Which you do. Yuck. 2000/2001: At an overpriced frat-boy overrun karaoke parlor in the East Village. It wasn’t fun. 1999/2000: Costa Mesa party at our drummer’s house and then funny but embarrassing shenanigans which shall go unsaid since you don’t know me well enough to be able to put them in the proper context. Suffice it to say, it was Y2Krazee! 1998/1999: Was this the year I went to a party at our drummer’s house again with the smooth-yet-kinda-sociopathic hacker? And then a party in Seal Beach? Rob? Mike? Was that 98/99? 1997/1998: Torribio’s famous New Year’s Eve party, I think. But hazy, so hazy. To Be Continued: upcoming years include wrapping my car around a post, watching Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, and indecision.
6:00pm I ran some errands and now I’m back and totally ready to hit the town if I don’t fall asleep which I very well might. And the thing is I convinced my friends that we HAVE TO do something tonight. I’m that kind of asshole. I feel like I’ve been this kind of asshole before. Also I feel kind of bad about the 2003/2004 New Year’s in the above blog post especially since the guy and I are still in touch and he’s moved on and then some and I feel like I let a good one get away. What am I even saying? I don’t know, it’s the wild cherry flavored water talking. I should probably take a shower. Every day this shower bullshit comes up!
6:37 I just got out of the shower and while I was in the shower I was thinking back on this past year and how I want to thank all the awesome viewers of my show and all the people I’ve come to feel like I know through the internet and then I was thinking I wanted to just name some people but then I was worried I’d leave someone out and so perhaps I shouldn’t name people but all you special people know who you are and I want to thank you so much for everything.
10:09 Happy New Year! I’m headed out but I’ll probably keep updating so check my twitter if you need more me, which you certainly do! See you next year! (Or in a little while!)
