So my parents were given this ladder thingie as a wedding gift and my sister and I grew up fearful of putting our entire weight on it but using it anyway and now that my sister is newly betrothed she has informed me that she would like one of these of her own. Anyone have any leads on sappy ladders? Granted I’ve done zero googling so for all I know they’re a thing and there are stores devoted to matrimonial ladders and divorce foot stools and annulment rappeling gear and trial separation escalators and save the date hydraulic lifts.

I updated the upcoming appearances page on this here web site. I am truly getting shit done today!

Also I’m writing something vaguely funny-ish which I was going to post here but then I realized it would work as an installment of my McSweeney’s column so I’m going to send it to them when I finish it. But I’m telling YOU about it so you can begin to carve out the many minutes it will take to read and enjoy it. Like, at least ten.

Also I turned down a job for which I would have had to fly across the country and miss an episode or two of the podcast. But it would have been some money. But I still didn’t feel right about missing work. I hope I made the right decision. I did, right? In my gut this decision felt right. This is me talking out loud.

This is me typing.

THIS IS ME TYPING IN ALL CAPS.

Ok, bye.

And flags, I should have said…

Hey everyone! I love your hat. I just wanted to take a moment to say hello since it’s been so long since we’ve all hung out together and by that I mean it’s been so long since I’ve posted anything. Part of it is that I spent the weekend in a valley that time and pesticide forgot for my sister’s wedding. Here is a photo of my mom and me coated in makeup.

By the way, if you want to hear some hilarious jokes made by my family members, wear a wreath of flowers on your head for a wedding. My brother said I looked like Amy Winehouse (because there was a pouf of hair in the back which you can’t see in the photo) and my dad asked when I was being crucified which I didn’t even get at the time until I realized he was suggesting it was a crown of thorns. I’m pretty sure there were other unfunny jokes as well.

I thought of vlogging during the wedding but couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt like it wouldn’t be a fair use of my time and what if I missed another HILARIOUS floral wreath comment? You can see the quandary.

Also, I made a speech and everyone cried and also I cried and then people kept coming up to me after and saying “YOUR SPEECH….” and then they’d trail off. I would fill in the comment with “was amazing” or “was something I would like a copy of” or “should win an award for Best Speech Given By An Older Sister at a Wedding” (a “nupty”)  however I told my friend Trevor all this and he said maybe they weren’t finishing the thought because I’d traumatized them with my poignant prose. Actually, he didn’t even say the last part. He just said I’d traumatized them. I think it was a compliment.

Here’s Trevor and my sister and me after I made everyone cry.

But also part of the reason I didn’t vlog or blog was because my web site was down which surely you are aware of because you tried to go to it and when you discovered it was down you felt a despair unlike anything you’d felt before but probably not dissimilar to how people felt upon hearing my speech.

Another photo? If you insist.

Here I am wearing a coat because it was freezing:

And here’s a photo of the wedding. I was in charge of dealing with the train of the dress which is kind of a big deal but I didn’t let it go to my head. Also, I fear I didn’t do a great job because while the vows were happening I really wanted to get up and fix my previous shoddy train placement but I didn’t. And then when my sister was about to walk back down the aisle after the ceremony and after I gave her the bouquet (I was also on bouquet duty. Don’t be intimidated.) then I realized she was standing on the dress so I tried to pull it out from under her feet but she wasn’t budging so I did what I had to do, whacked her in the shins until she lifted her feet. I’m pretty sure it’s what Pippa Middleton would have done as well.

The end.