Oh hi. I started this awhile ago and it’s been sitting in my drafts folder but I hesitated to post it because what am I, some kind of mommy blogger? However recently I decided MAYBE I AM and so here it is.

Having a baby is 1% pushing a human out of your body and 99% buying things online. At least that’s been my experience. And once I realized how much stuff we were going to need I felt overwhelmed with all the infinite products and choices and the sense that I had to have everything ready before the baby arrived (this turned out not to be true and everyone tried to tell me but I didn’t listen.) Going to an actual brick and mortar baby superstore (in our case Buy Buy Baby) where they had whole walls devoted to things I didn’t know I needed only ratcheted up my anxiety. Now that I’m on the other side of it I realize how much you really don’t need everything right away and how much, though there seem to be infinite brands and products, everyone seems to end up with the same few items from the same few brands. I cast a pretty wide net and ended up with some can’t-live-without items, some useful items and some stuff I use far less than I thought I would. Here’s my list of can’t-live-without items:

Exercise Ball: I don’t know when an exercise ball became the go-to baby soothing device over a rocking chair (we have both) but the baby world is nuts for balls. When Elliot was a newborn, holding him in my arms and bouncing on the ball stopped his crying almost immediately. It was magical. These days I still use it multiple times a day and even bought another one because I’m tired of trying to carry a baby and a giant ball from one room to another. (I also bought another baby that I keep in the other room with the new ball. Now I’m truly hands free!) Also near the end of pregnancy when I could no longer sit comfortably in a chair at my computer or while recording my podcast I sat instead on the ball. I know it’s supposed to be a bit of a workout but it never feels like one to me which probably means we have the wrong size ball.

Rock N Play: Confession: we put an expensive bassinet—one which came highly recommended—on our registry and my mother-in-law generously sprung for it. I so badly wanted it to work and I am still trying to make it work (it’s still taking up a TON of space next to my bed don’t even get me started) but Elliot just prefers the Rock n Play. The downside is there’s some concern that the Rock N Play can lead to flat head syndrome and Elliot’s head is not un-flat. But I know tons of kids who slept in rock n plays at the beginning and have perfectly shaped heads so it clearly doesn’t cause problems for every kid. (Update: Elliot now sleeps in his crib but occasionally naps in the RnP. Might I recommend these crib sheets?)

(more…)

It’s literally less than one minute since I finished that that post and I have to admit I’m not really feeling hopeful. Determined, yes. Silly, maybe. Sleepy, definitely. Joke here, always. But hopeful? That was a reach. I want to feel hopeful. I want to put a hopeful foot forward. But for right now let’s just say it’s Monday and I’ve already blogged twice which is a hell of a lot more than you’ve done unless you’ve already blogged twice in which case are you feeling hopeful? Let me know. I’m pretty open to whatevs.

Okay so I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that the most recent hot streak did not continue uninterrupted as hoped. I have failed you and also, myself. But because I am 10 percent hair products and 90 percent GRIT, I am picking up right where I left off and resuming the hot streak. Here we go. Feeling very hopeful.

Today is one of those days where I would rather just lie in bed and do nothing however I had dragged myself to the computer where I am writing this blog post and also doing other stuff I have to do. But let’s focus on this blog post shall we? I can feel it’s going to be a thing of beauty and yet also be short. It’s the Salma Hayak of posts. Anyway, for the first time since starting Lexapro I am depppppprrrrresssssssssseddddddddddddddd. That’s how the mood feels. All stretching out and oozy and blah. It’s actually kind of amazing that I hadn’t felt any of that for as long as I’d gone. I forget now how long. 6 weeks? I could find out. Hold please. I started at the very end of July. So a little over 6 weeks. But it takes some time to begin working. Anyway, it really curbed the depression although it didn’t ameliorate the anxiety. But it helped. But now I feel blah and oozy and icky again. It started a couple days ago when we saw a funeral procession on the highway and then I was hit with a wave of sadness and I was like, “What is this feeling that I haven’t experienced in so long? Oh yes, it’s sadness.” And then I’ve been spiraling a little ever since in terms of taking a tour through all my old unpleasant-to-experience emotions and now here I am back home in depressionland and for me, depression is more debilitating than anxiety. Anxiety is uncomfortable and unpleasant but depression makes me want to not do anything. Hence the feat of writing this blog post. By the way lest you read this and worry about me, don’t. I am fine in the big sense! Just feeling a little blue. Also I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow which is perfect timing!

Um, anyway, now I’m wondering if this is how it’s always going to be with meds? They’ll work for short periods of time and then I will have to increase the dose until my body is 90 percent pharmaceuticals and 10 percent Refreshe Wild Cherry soda?

I still think it’s pretty amazing that I felt a freedom from this feeling for as long as I did because this is pretty much what I always thought being alive felt like (i.e. pretty crappy with moments of levity). I could say more and I feel I’m not quite articulating any of this as well as I could however I have to take a shower while Elliot’s babysitter is still here.

In sum: 1) I blogged 2) Don’t worry about me! 3) I shower!

By the way, this kind of feeling tends to go away when I’m working and specifically when I’m connecting with another human being and yet this feeling makes me averse to choosing to do any of that. But for past few weeks I didn’t feel this feeling even when I was all alone and doing nothing. Ok bye for real.

You guys I’ve installed the WordPress App on my phone so now I can blog from anywhere. For example right now I’m sitting in the living room watching Elliot play on the floor AND I’M ALSO BLOGGING!