Author Archive | Alison Rosen

Today's TONYblog 1 Thing

By Alison Rosen on July 3, 2007 in Uncategorized

“I see a troll doll or Fraggle Rock, and I’m scared,” said one of the revelers, after gobbling a bunch of acid.

Aloha, my tropical coconuts—tomorrow is the day when people explode all kinds of loud crap in the air as a stream of urine gently runs down my leg. Actually, that’s not quite true. I’m okay with the big fireworks spectaculars—not to be confused with the terror spectaculars of which we’ve been warned. I find them disagreeably loud but I’ll admit they’re pretty. It’s the firecrackers that bad teenage boys who ride skateboards like to light that freak me out. Are those legal here? I don’t even know, I just know that I don’t like them!

But all that is tomorrow. For tonight you’ll be headed to Dick Swizzle’s Sudden Death Game Show because the name Dick Swizzle cracks me up and you like things that crack me up.

Today's TONYblog 1 Thing

By Alison Rosen on July 2, 2007 in 1 thing, music, phlegm, TONYblog

Culture jam

Greetings, my little string beans. I had a particularly disgusting weekend as I was the victim of a pernicious new wave of street crime. Little shits on bikes spit loogies at me! I suffered a ride-by phlegming! Allow me to recount for you: So there I was, walking unawares down Avenue B. It was around 9:40pm. I heard the sound of bikes to my left and I also heard the sound of phlegm collection which is that dry-to-wet kind of throat clearing, coughing up sound which is not unlike when your hard drive is doing something loud and you realize there’s something wrong with your computer. I greeted this sound with slight trepidation and a bit of nausea, as I have a real visceral reaction to street loogies glistening on the sidewalk like so much throat snot. Actually, it’s not just visceral, it’s intellectual too, (more…)

Red Eye clip

By Alison Rosen on June 30, 2007 in I love myself, photos, photos from TV, Red Eye, TV

From Tuesday’s show, along with an image because your clamoring is deafening. And embarrassing!

Jury Duty, Day Two

By Alison Rosen on June 28, 2007 in Jury Duty

Greetings, my little Sno-Kones. Yesterday I’d whipped up a frothy blog post, but I couldn’t post it because our website was being revamped, and so now you’ll have to willingly suspend your disbelief, because I’m posting this from inside the confines of Time Out, seeing as I wasn’t ever picked for a jury, but I wrote it from inside the jury factory. All righty then:

Well, I’m back, my little legal eagles. Not back to the blog, though that’s true, but back to 100 Centre Street where I’m currently sitting in the hall because the jury room is full and the jury lunch room is full and this building is like a giant monster that burps jurors into hall and then swallows them again. That was disgusting. This morning there was a lengthy roll call and everyone said “here” except one person said “right here” and one said “that’s me.” No one said “present” or “yo.” I thought of asserting my funky uniqueness by answering in an unorthodox fashion, but decided against it. Actually, I didn’t really ever consider it, I just amused myself with various scenarios because that’s what one does while fulfilling her civic duty. (Duty! Hahahahahahahahahaha.)

Incidentally, I think my brain is atrophying, but on the upside I’ve made a friend: the court employee who walks up and down the hall. We exchanged heartfelt greetings today, but then later when I went to the bathroom, I only gave him a half smile, because I just didn’t feel like getting too chummy, you know? Then I overthought that for a good ten minutes. I figure the rest of my morning looks like finishing up this post, going to the bathroom a few more times because I really enjoy the liquid soap (it’s delicious!) and then maybe standing in front of the vending machines and zoning out. Then I’ll probably throw a book at myself, take a few oaths, send myself up to Attica, liberally toss about the term “prison bitch” and then plead out.

UPDATE: Court employee and I had a heartfelt good-bye when I was released, and we made plans to see each other again in six years. I kind of miss him already.

Red Eye tonight

By Alison Rosen on June 26, 2007 in Uncategorized

THIS JUST IN: Should you find yourself near a television set at say 2am Eastern or 11pm Pacific tonight do tune in to Red Eye on the Fox News Channel because I’ll be on it and I’ll be talking about stuff so important you’ll kick yourself forever plus infinity if you miss it. You may now return to googling yourself. Thank you.

Not making any "duty" jokes is killing me

By Alison Rosen on June 26, 2007 in Uncategorized

Is one allowed to blog from jury duty? They didn’t give us any instruction on the matter, so I’ll assume it’s okay until I’m told otherwise. So here I am, Day One. I just sent an e-mail to my podmates updating them about the excitement nonpareil (that’s excitement made out of chocolate and rolled in those hard little white balls) that was this morning when it dawned on me that perhaps you, the judiciary-minded readership, would like to also be in the loop. And so you shall! Here is the e-mail, lovingly reprinted for your punitive ease. Am I just throwing legal-sounding terms around? You bet your fiduciary I am! Now recuse this legislation and make it gubernatorial, prosecution!

Here is the e-mail:

Hi! I’m at jury duty. I watched a filmstrip about the judicial process and learned that in olden times they used to stick a person’s hand in boiling water and if it healed, they were innocent. I think this is one of the suggested methods. Now I’m sitting in cramped room near a watercooler, so I have to move out of the way when anyone tries to get by. I had a plum seat earlier but I accidentally forfeited it when I went to the bathroom. Apparently, leaving my pen and copy of Time Out didn’t adequately mark it.

Now, I think the most interesting thing here is to note that even out of the office I’m toting the magazine around, as if I myself am an extension of the brand, though Learning Annex has yet to realize this. But really it’s because I was paid a personal visit by Adam Feldman yesterday, who took umbrage with my suggestion that cryptic crosswords were anything other than pure jouissance. Naturally he didn’t present it to me this way; instead he gave me a cryptic-crossword lesson and then offered to go through each clue with me. It certainly seems to have paid off though, because after staring at the puzzle for about an hour this morning I think I figured out exactly one clue. What was I saying? I don’t know, I’m very distracted by the actions of the people around me. Perhaps I’ll get into it in a later post.

more 1 Things from the TONYblog

By Alison Rosen on June 23, 2007 in 1 thing, puzzles, TONYblog

Cryptic!

Yesterday I told you that tonight your 1 Thing was going to be a wine festival and I’d be a no-good liar if I changed my mind, now wouldn’t I? But then again in yesterday’s post I told you I was a horrendous liar, so I’d be a liar if I kept my word. I’m like a logic puzzle! If I had a twin who was standing in front of a door and behind one of us was the door to freedom and behind the other, Bob Barker, which would you choose, provided you were allowed to ask only one question but knowing that I only wear pants on days starting with T and my twin only wears pants on days starting with S and she has six hatboxes and only four hats, one of which has to be returned to Marta by 3pm on Sunday?

If you enjoyed that, you’re a masochist.

Wait, no, what I meant to say is that if you like games you’ll love our Games issue (available online tomorrow). I tried to do some of the puzzles last night before getting frustrated by the cryptic crossword, which is the caviar of crosswords I’ve been told, which is why I recommend putting it in the fridge for about four hours and then eating it with a dab of sour cream.

now I'm just posting them out of order

By Alison Rosen on June 23, 2007 in 1 thing, gravy, TONYblog

So you think you can dance

(No one puts gravy in a corner)

Because you never miss an opportunity to get three sheets to the wind, which incidentally is a sailing term, sailor, I was going to recommend you take your enlarged liver and ruddy, bulbous nose to a wine festival, but then I realized that actually that wine festival is tomorrow, which leaves you with precious little to do tonight. Fear not, my prize melons! Tonight you’ll be tapping, high-kicking, macarena-ing, hustling, sprinklering, cutting the deck, and shuffling, cabbage patching and more at Midsummer Night Swing at 6:30 at Lincoln Center. Now, I should warn you that I’m a horrendous liar—an horrendous liar to be exact—and so really you’ll just be swinging and salsaing and doing that thing where you stand in place and bop around like you did to Def Leppard in seventh grade. But if you were to unleash a little Roger Rabbiting, I can’t imagine it would be greeted with anything but amazement, because your moves are magnetic, which is why I’d appreciate it if you’d stay away from my hard drive.

Today's TONYblog 1 Thing

By Alison Rosen on June 21, 2007 in Uncategorized

You see the poor man’s kazoo. I see instrument for bringing “What Do You Do with a Drunken Sailor?” to the masses.

Have you been making music with various parts of your body for years now? Are you particularly proud of the things you can do with “Yankee Doodle”? But do the people around you seem to not really get it? Instead of smiles and dates are you greeted with pained grimaces? Almost as if they barely tolerate you? Or worse, they actively dislike you? All artists are ahead of their time, Mozart, but today the planet is really in your wheelhouse and the stars are in your hen house and the Sun and the Moon are smiling on the house of representatives because it’s Make Music New York day! Bring your wax comb and empty raisin box!

WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!! It appears that I was hasty in my appraisal of the situation. Sorry, sailor. This is a citywide free music fest involving music made by other people. Although you just know there’s a hippie noisemaking circle somewhere that you can drag your jug basin to. Just follow the corn nuts.