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Author Archive | Alison Rosen

Monday's TONYblog 1 Thing

Perhaps tomorrow I’ll tell you about the time I made my coworkers take a tap dancing class with me!

How’s it hanging, my sweet kadota figs? Enjoying the heat? I’m not, but then that’s because I’m a human being, not an iguana, camel, dromedary, lizard or anteater (the previous is the result of my turning to my coworkers and asking, “What’s an animal that likes the heat?” Michael misheard me though and thought I said, “What’s an animal that likes to eat,” hence anteater) and so I do better in temperate climes than in this inferno wrapped in a fire doused in a blaze sitting on a hellmouth that I call Tenth Avenue. (more…)

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Vlogs

I posted this on myspace but now I’m posting it here because I still can’t figure out how to manage these blogs and what I should be posting where and stuff. But anyway:

So Ethan and I do these Vlogs at work when the EIC is unable to do them. I don’t always post them because they’re kind of hard to find but if you go to this link you can see the most recent oneand then if you go to timeoutnewyork.tv you can scroll through and find others. Also, some time ago I hosted an bookcase buildoff at an Ikea in Paramus New Jersey for a story we were doing and if you go to TONY EXCLUSIVES and then Ikea bookcase buildoff it’s there. And there’s some other stuff too, single in the city, service in the city and some interviews from the Black Snake Moan premiere.

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Today's TONYblog 1 Thing

Fujiya & Miyagi

Good afternoon, my precious fiddlehead ferns. After yesterday’s excoriating indictment of my desk at my very own hands I decided to spend some time today cleaning it. And don’t think the fact that you could care less is lost on me, because I feel it. I’m just carrying on anyway because I’m my own copilot, you know?

Now then. It’s come to my attention that not only is it Friday, which is weird since it hardly feels like a Friday, but that you need some hot plans. Why don’t you head on down to the South Street Seaport, Pier 17, say, around 7pm, for Fujiya & Miyagi, whom you may remember from March, when we tried to send you to see them but it just wasn’t happening. Tonight it’s happening. And then go here for some hot bear-on-bear action.

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Today's TONYblog 1 Thing

This is not my desk.

Salutations, my little zucchini flowers. My desk is closing in on me but that’s really nothing you should concern yourself with, seeing as my inability to keep my workspace neat and orderly is between me and the fire hazard. Okay, what the fuck is going on? Everyone around me is whispering! I’m getting paranoid. Good thing they can’t get to me behind this extra sturdy desk fortification. If only I had rearview mirrors on my computer. And a seatbelt for my computer chair. I already wear a helmet, but that’s just good sense. And good fashion. And court ordered.

So I suppose you’re waiting around for today’s hot plans and I’m not one to disappoint. Why don’t you take yourself to Equal, That Is, to the Real Itself. And then why don’t you watch Ethan and my 1 Thing vlog. It’s vlogtastic and vlogpendous and vlogriffic and vlogderful and we talk about the art show I just recommended!

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Today's TONYblog 1 Thing

“I see a troll doll or Fraggle Rock, and I’m scared,” said one of the revelers, after gobbling a bunch of acid.

Aloha, my tropical coconuts—tomorrow is the day when people explode all kinds of loud crap in the air as a stream of urine gently runs down my leg. Actually, that’s not quite true. I’m okay with the big fireworks spectaculars—not to be confused with the terror spectaculars of which we’ve been warned. I find them disagreeably loud but I’ll admit they’re pretty. It’s the firecrackers that bad teenage boys who ride skateboards like to light that freak me out. Are those legal here? I don’t even know, I just know that I don’t like them!

But all that is tomorrow. For tonight you’ll be headed to Dick Swizzle’s Sudden Death Game Show because the name Dick Swizzle cracks me up and you like things that crack me up.

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Today's TONYblog 1 Thing

Culture jam

Greetings, my little string beans. I had a particularly disgusting weekend as I was the victim of a pernicious new wave of street crime. Little shits on bikes spit loogies at me! I suffered a ride-by phlegming! Allow me to recount for you: So there I was, walking unawares down Avenue B. It was around 9:40pm. I heard the sound of bikes to my left and I also heard the sound of phlegm collection which is that dry-to-wet kind of throat clearing, coughing up sound which is not unlike when your hard drive is doing something loud and you realize there’s something wrong with your computer. I greeted this sound with slight trepidation and a bit of nausea, as I have a real visceral reaction to street loogies glistening on the sidewalk like so much throat snot. Actually, it’s not just visceral, it’s intellectual too, (more…)

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Jury Duty, Day Two

Greetings, my little Sno-Kones. Yesterday I’d whipped up a frothy blog post, but I couldn’t post it because our website was being revamped, and so now you’ll have to willingly suspend your disbelief, because I’m posting this from inside the confines of Time Out, seeing as I wasn’t ever picked for a jury, but I wrote it from inside the jury factory. All righty then:

Well, I’m back, my little legal eagles. Not back to the blog, though that’s true, but back to 100 Centre Street where I’m currently sitting in the hall because the jury room is full and the jury lunch room is full and this building is like a giant monster that burps jurors into hall and then swallows them again. That was disgusting. This morning there was a lengthy roll call and everyone said “here” except one person said “right here” and one said “that’s me.” No one said “present” or “yo.” I thought of asserting my funky uniqueness by answering in an unorthodox fashion, but decided against it. Actually, I didn’t really ever consider it, I just amused myself with various scenarios because that’s what one does while fulfilling her civic duty. (Duty! Hahahahahahahahahaha.)

Incidentally, I think my brain is atrophying, but on the upside I’ve made a friend: the court employee who walks up and down the hall. We exchanged heartfelt greetings today, but then later when I went to the bathroom, I only gave him a half smile, because I just didn’t feel like getting too chummy, you know? Then I overthought that for a good ten minutes. I figure the rest of my morning looks like finishing up this post, going to the bathroom a few more times because I really enjoy the liquid soap (it’s delicious!) and then maybe standing in front of the vending machines and zoning out. Then I’ll probably throw a book at myself, take a few oaths, send myself up to Attica, liberally toss about the term “prison bitch” and then plead out.

UPDATE: Court employee and I had a heartfelt good-bye when I was released, and we made plans to see each other again in six years. I kind of miss him already.

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Red Eye tonight

THIS JUST IN: Should you find yourself near a television set at say 2am Eastern or 11pm Pacific tonight do tune in to Red Eye on the Fox News Channel because I’ll be on it and I’ll be talking about stuff so important you’ll kick yourself forever plus infinity if you miss it. You may now return to googling yourself. Thank you.

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