How creepy is Friday the 13th? Not very, but that’s just because my efforts at scaring you seem to annoy you more than anything. You’re so short-fused today. Would it kill you to pretend? I want you to ponder that while you’re out there getting drunk and hooking up this weekend.
Hello. I like what you’ve done with your hair. Should you be near a television set or recording device at 2am on the east coast and 11pm on the west coast please tune in to the Fox News channel to see me talk about important breaking news that may be neither important nor breaking. Plus, surprises!*
*there might not be surprises
Oh, also, there’s a new 1 Thing vlog at timeoutnewyork.tv
Yesterday I told you that I might regale you with stories of tap dancing today, but instead I’m going to take this special you-and-me moment to remind you that there’s no time like the present for rioting, wilding or engaging in senseless acts of heat-wave sex. It’s currently 217 degrees but it feels like 312, and tomorrow it’s likely to not break the upper two hundreds, so you best get on it. Catch rainbows in mason jars tomorrow! For today, there is only wearing gauzy, filmy, barely there clothing, melting ice cubes on your nubile flesh while bad ’80s music blares in the background and unleashing urban hostilities. Unless none of that interests you, in which case there’s always comedy show Drink at Work. Staying hydrated is important, people!
Perhaps tomorrow I’ll tell you about the time I made my coworkers take a tap dancing class with me!
How’s it hanging, my sweet kadota figs? Enjoying the heat? I’m not, but then that’s because I’m a human being, not an iguana, camel, dromedary, lizard or anteater (the previous is the result of my turning to my coworkers and asking, “What’s an animal that likes the heat?” Michael misheard me though and thought I said, “What’s an animal that likes to eat,” hence anteater) and so I do better in temperate climes than in this inferno wrapped in a fire doused in a blaze sitting on a hellmouth that I call Tenth Avenue. (more…)
I posted this on myspace but now I’m posting it here because I still can’t figure out how to manage these blogs and what I should be posting where and stuff. But anyway:
So Ethan and I do these Vlogs at work when the EIC is unable to do them. I don’t always post them because they’re kind of hard to find but if you go to this link you can see the most recent oneand then if you go to timeoutnewyork.tv you can scroll through and find others. Also, some time ago I hosted an bookcase buildoff at an Ikea in Paramus New Jersey for a story we were doing and if you go to TONY EXCLUSIVES and then Ikea bookcase buildoff it’s there. And there’s some other stuff too, single in the city, service in the city and some interviews from the Black Snake Moan premiere.
Please stop biting me. Thank you.
Good afternoon, my precious fiddlehead ferns. After yesterday’s excoriating indictment of my desk at my very own hands I decided to spend some time today cleaning it. And don’t think the fact that you could care less is lost on me, because I feel it. I’m just carrying on anyway because I’m my own copilot, you know?
Now then. It’s come to my attention that not only is it Friday, which is weird since it hardly feels like a Friday, but that you need some hot plans. Why don’t you head on down to the South Street Seaport, Pier 17, say, around 7pm, for Fujiya & Miyagi, whom you may remember from March, when we tried to send you to see them but it just wasn’t happening. Tonight it’s happening. And then go here for some hot bear-on-bear action.
Salutations, my little zucchini flowers. My desk is closing in on me but that’s really nothing you should concern yourself with, seeing as my inability to keep my workspace neat and orderly is between me and the fire hazard. Okay, what the fuck is going on? Everyone around me is whispering! I’m getting paranoid. Good thing they can’t get to me behind this extra sturdy desk fortification. If only I had rearview mirrors on my computer. And a seatbelt for my computer chair. I already wear a helmet, but that’s just good sense. And good fashion. And court ordered.
So I suppose you’re waiting around for today’s hot plans and I’m not one to disappoint. Why don’t you take yourself to Equal, That Is, to the Real Itself. And then why don’t you watch Ethan and my 1 Thing vlog. It’s vlogtastic and vlogpendous and vlogriffic and vlogderful and we talk about the art show I just recommended!
“I see a troll doll or Fraggle Rock, and I’m scared,” said one of the revelers, after gobbling a bunch of acid.
Aloha, my tropical coconuts—tomorrow is the day when people explode all kinds of loud crap in the air as a stream of urine gently runs down my leg. Actually, that’s not quite true. I’m okay with the big fireworks spectaculars—not to be confused with the terror spectaculars of which we’ve been warned. I find them disagreeably loud but I’ll admit they’re pretty. It’s the firecrackers that bad teenage boys who ride skateboards like to light that freak me out. Are those legal here? I don’t even know, I just know that I don’t like them!
But all that is tomorrow. For tonight you’ll be headed to Dick Swizzle’s Sudden Death Game Show because the name Dick Swizzle cracks me up and you like things that crack me up.
Culture jam
Greetings, my little string beans. I had a particularly disgusting weekend as I was the victim of a pernicious new wave of street crime. Little shits on bikes spit loogies at me! I suffered a ride-by phlegming! Allow me to recount for you: So there I was, walking unawares down Avenue B. It was around 9:40pm. I heard the sound of bikes to my left and I also heard the sound of phlegm collection which is that dry-to-wet kind of throat clearing, coughing up sound which is not unlike when your hard drive is doing something loud and you realize there’s something wrong with your computer. I greeted this sound with slight trepidation and a bit of nausea, as I have a real visceral reaction to street loogies glistening on the sidewalk like so much throat snot. Actually, it’s not just visceral, it’s intellectual too, (more…)