HOT: branding iron
NOT: guppies
Author Archive | Alison Rosen
Today's TONYblog 1 Thing
Iambic pentameter? I’m not into Satan, thank you very much.
Alfresco is really the best way to enjoy Shakespeare, with the possible exception of al dente or, if you’re feeling funky, in a class called something like “From [Name of Tragedy] to [Name of Tragedy]: The Tragedies of William Shakespeare.” I took such a class in college which, despite my dewy face and general youthful demeanor, was some time ago, and so I can say that the plays really hold up. I mean, I read them when they were current. We’d pack up a saddlebag of tomatoes to throw at the players (more…)
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HOT: waffles
NOT: nuclear winter
Today's TONYblog 1 Thing
See her tonight at Rumsey Playfield
When I interviewed Fiona Apple in late 2005, I thought that if I were somehow a different kind of interviewer, or maybe a different kind of girl, I would have known how to share lipgloss and become best friends with her. It felt, in the setting we were in—a rehearsal studio in Burbank, techs and musicians and guys all around; we were the only women there and we’re roughly the same age—that that’s what should have happened. I don’t know that I can explain it exactly, but if we’d been on a double date we should have gone to the bathroom together, (more…)
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HOT: Dante’s Inferno
NOT: Santa’s workshop
SPECIALTY LIES
SPECIALTY LIES: CIRCUS EDITION #2
SITUATION: You’re stuffed into a Volkswagen with 30 of your friends and you fart.
STANDARD LIE: “Do you guys smell that? Wow. What are they feeding the elephants?”
DELUXE LIE: “Is it me or is someone using turned grease paint? Bubbles? Is that you again?” (Note: This works especially well if no one in the car is named Bubbles).
SPECIALTY LIES
SPECIALTY LIES: CIRCUS EDITION
SITUATION: One of the other clowns accuses you of stealing her rubber shoes.
STANDARD LIE: “Bubbles did it.”
DELUXE LIE: “Gross. Do you know how many germs can live in shoes? I’m a germophobe, so I know. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I would never steal your shoes. No offense.”
HIGHLY SPECIFIC INSULTS
THE SITUATION: you’re dealing with a really annoying egg
YOU SAY: “get luteinized and slough off!”
THE SITUATION: those are some mighty big forecepts
YOU SAY: “forecepts? more like fivecepts!”
THE SITUATION: you’re 93 and you’re playing pinochle with someone who is really crappy
YOU SAY: “you play pinochole like an 81 year old… an 81 year old who’s never played pinochle”
THE SITUATION: the damn hen is taking forever
YOU SAY: “you gonna hatch those chicks or just sit on ’em all day?”
THE SITUATION: the piano player is smug and tinkly
YOU SAY: “you play piano like a tuba player”
THE SITUATION: the Queen is acting uppity again
YOU SAY: “is that your dress or did your bustle throw up?”
THE SITUATION: the Grape Nuts have betrayed you
YOU SAY: “et tu, Grape Nuts?”
THE SITUATION: you’re angry at your corn flakes
YOU SAY: “what are you, Grape Nuts?”
TRENDWATCH
HOT: a thermos with soup in it
NOT: a thermos without soup in it
EXCEPTION: gazpacho
TRENDWATCH
HOT: fire
NOT: penguins