In this delightful series I believe I was trying to come up with more butt puns while communicating that I’m aware how cheesy it is to make a bunch of said cracks. CRACKS! Dangit I missed that one.
Author Archive | Alison Rosen
Goodbye mouse
So I’m too lazy to recount this whole story but I feel an urgency in posting it because I know you’re hanging on every twist and turn so I’m just going to reprint an email I sent to someone about it.
Dear [Redacted],
(note: I actually have a friend whose name is “[redacted]”. I thought it was weird too, especially the brackets.)
This morning I found the mouse in my shower! I grabbed a trash can and trapped it in the overturned can. Then I put a bunch of shampoo bottles and anything else I could find nearby on top of the trash can for fear the mouse would somehow get out. Then I worried those bottles weren’t heavy enough so I put stacks of books on top of it along with a box of bills and crap. Then I called the super. He came and wet the mouse with water by filling the tub and then he flushed the little guy down the toilet. The image of the little thing swimming as fast as it could while circling the bowl is haunting me. I have mouse blood on my hands. And mouse poo in my shower.
So, yeah. Anyone know how to remove a tiny chalk outline of a mouse from their shower?
update! breaking! alert! words with exclamation marks!
I”ll be on Red Eye tonight. Make sure to watch unless you’re busy.
New York smelled good today
like laundry and flirtation. sadly I think that might have been drakkar. it’s weird how high school informs so many of your associations. but it felt very potentially-exciting-in-a-back-to-school-way, which is in stark contrast to the way New York usually feels around this time of year which is stagnant and like death and melting cassette tapes in the back of a car. actually it didn’t feel exciting, because it’s hot and gross, but it smelled exciting. this is why I get paid the small bucks to be a writer.
Best Bets 8-18-07
I forgot to post this delightful number from a couple weeks back. I didn’t love it for some reason if I remember correctly, but don’t let that stop you from loving it, since you probably will since you’re very like that. (but it’s what I like best about you.)
Today's TONYblog 1 Thing
You like to laugh. I know because I’d recognize that braying titter anywhere. I mean, I like it, don’t get me wrong. It’s just very recognizable. Especially when I have a headache. But don’t go changing because it’s what makes you you. Even if sometimes it’s what makes you annoying. You know? But like, in a good way. Anyway, take your lusty guffaw to a Comedy Central Presents taping, won’t you? You have to register on their site and then hope and pray for an opening. If it doesn’t happen you can bring your wet-sounding chortle to the Ritalin Reading Series at 7:30pm.
Wake up with me
Because your ardor for me is matched only by your curiosity, you’re likely wondering what my mornings look like. Well I’ll tell you. Every morning I wake up with the intention of going to the gym before work. Half the time I actually go, even if I end up riding the bike because it’s the one machine I can essentially sleep on while exercising. I call it sleepercizing. The other half of the time I press snooze repeatedly until the window for 1) going to the gym closes 2) taking a shower and washing my hair closes 3) taking a shower and not washing my hair closes 4) taking a shower at all closes. I’m surprised I even change clothes to go to work, and don’t think I haven’t been tempted to just wear pajamas. There was a time when I used to wear make up and look stylish every day at work but that folly is behind me. Plus the more you’re on TV the more it begins to feel like your real life and your real life feels more like downtime and it’s all very confusing. I hope that doesn’t sound as affected as I fear it might. But back to this gym thing. One of my motivators for going in the morning, which is always painful, is to change into my gym clothes and then let myself get back into bed for a little while knowing I’ll really go in 10 minutes but lately I can’t even do that! Anyone have any tips for making themselves workout before work? Share, won’t you?
Clip from CW11
Interviews done like this—taped with a producer asking you the questions—are at present my least favorite kind to do. I just prefer live TV or, if it’s taped, I prefer to be hosting. But anyhoo, here I am talking about a story we ran in Time Out. And for those keeping track this was in that few days block where I was wearing this shirt for TV appearances. I’m cyclical… like a mouse.
I love my exterminator
Is this what Eva Braun felt? I’m sorry, that was a terrible joke and I should probably take it down but the heady rush of the exterminator having swept through my apartment has clouded my judgment. I love him! He even smells good, which is probably the smell of rodent poison or something to mask the rodent poison. Anyway, while I’m not entirely confident the problem is solved because I won’t believe it until I don’t see it, I feel substantially better than I did a couple hours ago. I kind of wanted to take a picture of him for the blog, but then something stopped me. Strangely it was the urge to eat through rotten wood, crap in the linen closet and then scurry, squeaking, through a hole one eighth my size while possibly carrying pestilence though I think that’s more folklore than anything. Strange.
And while we’re talking about this I have something unrelated to say. I think it’s funny when people pile on the host of that late night show I do for being so twisted. They’d probably be surprised to know a sweet looking girl in love with her exterminator spawns some of the more twisted material.
Best Bets 8-25-07
Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s 20 degrees hotter in my apartment than outside or maybe it’s that I have about four thousand deadlines in the next few days and all I really want to do is take a nap somewhere sunny, which is really weird since I’m hardly a somewhere sunny kind of person, or maybe it’s the hyper-rodent-vigilance I’m now engaging in round the clock, but I just felt kind of spacey during this morning’s Best Bets and also, apparently something painful crossed my face while talking about the second event. I think I swallowed wrong. Enjoy!