I’m going to go the gym. I’m wearing my gym clothes and everything. I even have a rubber band around my right wrist to keep my hand from falling off. Have you ever tried to exercise without a hand? Actually for certain things like jogging or riding a bike (if you have a good balance) it’s not so bad, but for weight lifting or, say, competitive hand shaking, it’s a detriment. But actually it’s there so I can put my hair in a pony tail at said gym, which I haven’t been to in so long that last time I went (not to exercise, but to check on my locker) I found a layer of dust on my lock. I would have opened it but I couldn’t remember the combination. I also can’t remember what’s inside there. Probably some hair junk, more rubber bands, a half eaten sandwich and some arts and crafts supplies. My friend and I long to spend a day in the locker room creating dioramas inside our lockers, just to see what people would say to us if we were really in there for a whole day cutting little things out of construction paper. Also, I removed the irritating rubber band and if you’ll notice I’m sitting here writing BS so as not to be at the gym. Okay, here I go.
Author Archive | Alison Rosen
I think
it’s funny when people stand gloves up on things so it looks like they’re waving. For example there is a glove standing up on the ledge above the mailboxes downstairs in my building and it made the experience of checking my mail, and discovering that 290 buckaroos of a health claim weren’t covered because reason number code here etc a little friendlier.
Also I took my sad little bundle of laundry to the place across the street this morning hoping to get it there in time to get it back today but I’d missed the cut off. I asked the woman what time they could have it tomorrow. She answered and I frowned. She paused and then told me to try the place next door because they can have it done in time. It was all very Miracle on 34th Street but with more socks.
Finally I’m gearing up to write a big FAQ about the current events of my life. I probably won’t actually do this. But wouldn’t it be awesome if I did?
Oh and Wendy and I posted!
My interview with Harvey Keitel
Chats and books
Wendy and I did more chatting today. We try to put up some posts every day so if you aren’t already in the habit of clicking over there, you should be! We talked before the horrible Heath Ledger news though, so these are more about Oscar noms and bowl cuts. And abortions. You know, fun stuff. Also, Wendy has a book out right now. That means I know two people with books out. You should buy their books. I haven’t seen the final editions of either book but I saw early versions of both, because I’m so special and important that of course people want to consult me and get my opinion. (I told Wendy to make hers more pink and I told Greg to make his a coloring book.)
How I feel about having put in my two weeks notice
Elated and then scared and then exhilarated and then freaked out and then peppy and then nervous and then jumpy and then hesitant and then bucolic and then urban and then sinuous and then puffy and then viscous and then runny and are you still reading this? I stopped awhile ago. Also, I wrote my favorite ever Red Eye intro that won’t ever see air, and for good reason probably, since it’s highly offensive. But anyway: “[She’s so smart] if brains were a baptismal, I’d put a baby in her in church.”
What's the difference between
Okay so in the last post I said bonus points for anyone who knows the joke the title “cluck defiance” comes from. It’s a really old “what’s the difference between” joke.
What’s the difference between lawyers and roosters?
Roosters cluck defiance…
It’s not my favorite “what’s the difference between” joke though. This one is:
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and voyeur?
A pickpocket wants to snatch your watch…
Cluck defiance
I was looking through the stats and I’m proud to say that someone reached this site by searching the term “chicken raping.”
And bonus points for anyone who knows what joke the title is a reference to. (Dad, you don’t count.)
FROM THE ARCHIVES: BLACK SNAKE MOAN PREMIERE
[update: are you guys able to see the below video? Let me know.]
I was looking through old stuff and found this from a couple years ago. I don’t think I ever posted it. Note how even though I’m on the red carpet, I manage to talk about mice.
puppies, cash, two weeks notice
The following was sent to the staff to announce my decision to go freelance. Now there’s actually a voice in my head telling me not to post an internal memo, but this one is so nice that I’d like to tattoo it on a butt cheek, except then I’d have trouble reading it:
“After 3+ glorious years providing TONY with one of its more distinct and stylish voices, in everything from music reviews to Ed Koch exposés, Alison Rosen is moving on. She’s jumping into the freelance waters and will remain actively involved as a contributor to TONY, but we’ll miss her breezy way with words, quick wit, and masochistic eagerness to get up at 5am every Saturday morning to do TV for TONY. Her last day is 1/31. Please join me in wishing her well and demanding that she not lose touch.”
So, you’re likely wondering why I’m doing this and what I’m doing next. I will keep you posted.
If anyone would like to give me a mountain of cash and a puppy, I would entertain that offer.
I dreamed a terrible joke
Usually when you make up jokes in your sleep they don’t hold up (though they’re always hilarious at the time) but I woke up with the following humdinger going through my head and I think it actually works:
“My boss says I’m an ‘inventive writer’ [pause] I make up all my facts!”
Should I ever being doing dinner theater on some cruise ship full of journalists I’ll be sure to use that one.
(or did I hear this somewhere and just think I came up with it?)