I’m like a baby bird, so please regurgitate into my mouth any lines of dialogue from TV shows or news programs or commercials or anything you can think of involving the word “Dave” or “David.” For example:
“The tests came back positive, Dave, you have…” OR
“DAVE, LOOK OUT!” OR
“Hola, donde esta Dave?”
etcetera. Please also include where the line came from. I will be forever indebted to you and by the way, I don’t actually have a list of favorite commenters. YOU ARE ALL MY FAVORITE.
Because I agreed to do Red Eye on Valentine’s Day. I plan to wear red. Or just a diaper while holding love’s bow and arrow. Take the high road on that one please.
Also, speaking of Fred, despite my plans to stay home hanging with my houseplant while working on new moves to fold in (seamlessly, of course) to my competitive ice dancing routine, I just put in a full day at Page Six Magazine, where I’m acting as senior editor for a bit. I worry the ice dancing will suffer, is the thing.
Also, I felt that moment where I realized the lobby, which has always been about Red Eye for me, is about to become about Page Six for me. Does that make sense? And then some day I’ll go to do Red Eye and it’ll be like going to do a show in the building where I work or once worked, as opposed to now, where I’m still flummoxed by the elevators. “I’m going to one, are you going to one?” a man asked me today, by the elevator bank. I just stared at him, dumbfounded, as if he were speaking a foreign language which I once knew. Then I began drooling. The thing is that I’ve always prided myself on my ability to discern up from down—left and right not so much—and so if I lose that one I will be directionally challenged in 360 degrees, which is really going to suck. Some other sense will just have to overcompensate. Hopefully a useful one, like my sense of humor. Or my sense of which peppers are spicy. Or my sense of which movies are going to suck, except I really made a judgment error when I dragged my mom and sister to see Out to Sea.
I woke up this morning sleep-blogging, or rather sleep-storming, or rather thinking about fodder for a potential blog post which struck me as brilliant in my not-awake state. It would have looked like this:
Very Specific Reassurances
1. They can’t vacuum forever.
2. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (this is where I fell back asleep again)
Sadly I can’t see the appeal of this list beyond people whose upstairs neighbors vacuum for what seems like forever early in the morning.
In other news, I added to the list of articles I wrote recently and list of articles I wrote long ago (on the right side of this blog). It really breaks down to stuff I wrote for Time Out New York and stuff I wrote for the OC Weekly, so maybe some day I’ll change the way it’s labeled. The TONY stuff shows more restraint, but overall the OC Weekly stuff is probably more fun to read—arguably more creative—and I don’t quite know why that is. That’s not true actually, I do know why it is, but I’m still unsettled by it.
You should try to do it near the beginning of the month because you’ll get extended health insurance coverage and possibly more vacation day pay. Does everyone else know this? I found out on my last day: 1/31. Dismayed, I walked out of the building, fell twelve floors down an elevator shaft and then rolled into oncoming traffic. Now I’m dead.
You might not be so lucky though, and you could be facing astronomical medical bills and you won’t be able to turn to your trusty HMO for substandard medical care.
They ran this flawed blurb about my career change:
January 30, 2008: Alison Rosen has been named associate features editor at Time Out New York. She had been music writer there. (mb)
Which is awesome, but it happened TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO! Other outdated causes for celebration?
January 30, 2008: Alison Rosen moved to New York. She had been living in Calfornia (mb)
January 30, 2008: Alison Rosen got her braces off. She had been wearing them for four years (mb)
January 30, 2008: Alison Rosen got into Pomona, early decision! She had been hoping this would happen so she could stop doing any work for the remainder of her senior year(mb)
January 30, 2008: but back to the braces thing, a lot of people only had to wear them for like two years, and she had to wear them for four which pissed her off, specifically because she didn’t think she should still be in braces when she got her driver’s license, you know? (mb)
January 30, 2008: Alison Rosen got her driver’s license! (mb)
January 30, 2008: Alison Rosen got braces!
January 30, 2008: Alison Rosen learned how to raise one eyebrow. she’s been working on it in front of the bathroom mirror for what seemed like many headache-inducing hours. (mb)
January 30, 2008: Alison Rosen will be playing the role of Mrs. Harper in the 8th grade musical. For this, she will be wearing a funny hat.
January 30, 2008: Alison Rosen is trying out for the role of Becky, the lead in the 8th grade musical. (mb)
January 30, 2008: Alison Rosen has been born. She had been a fetus. (mb)
January 30, 2008: Alison Rosen is a fetus. She had been a zygote. (mb)
January 30, 2008: Shhhhhhh…. be very very quiet. Alison Rosen is gestating.
I feel really weird.
I didn’t expect it to be sad, but it kind of is! Because I’m going through CDs and finding the first ones I ever reviewed here and it feels like a long time ago. The funny thing is that I remember being not all that happy at the time, and so I’m feeling nostalgia for something I don’t remember fondly. Also, perhaps dismantling isn’t right word if that suggests some kind of hot allen wrench action. I just mean going through the mountains of crap I collected here. I changed desks three times over the last three years and by the third time I didn’t even really set stuff up, I just lived like a desk refugee (though the post-it note that says “please buy a stamp for personal mail” which I found on a piece of mail thoughtfully returned to me, is proudly tacked up on my bulletin board.) What was I saying? Back to the sorting I go!
…way too much about Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. He’s just so sage and knowing. And calm and serene. I interviewed him once. It was him and Adam Corolla. It was at the MTV Music Awards in 1997, back when I was 14. (Did I mention I’m 24? Because I’m not.) They were joking about Madonna’s sudden British accent. Maybe it was 1998? Anyway, the point is that I hope Jeff Conway pulls through! Also, I search longingly through my DVR’s “search by title” function for new episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. The title is my go-to joke when I need to make fun of silly reality shows, which apparently is often, but between you and me there is nothing joking about my strange obsession with the show. I think it was from watching with bewildered curiosity the episode “Dude you’re so pregnant” or whatever it was called. That guy that she almost married–such insouciant douchiness! And those cute puppies! And the way Bruce Jenner always looks taken aback because his face has been pulled into a permanent expression of surprise. What does insouciant mean? That’s one of those words I repeatedly look up and forget. My brain refuses to latch on.
Also, my friend Rob got a dog. Rob and I were talking to each other recently at a party about how we both want to get dogs and are dangerously close to it and then he off and did it! The same dog he was talking about at the party that he’d seen on the internet! He is my hero for he is brave and not afraid to get a dog. Not that there’s anything lacking in my relationship with Fred The Jade Plant though, because I experienced something close to vegetable nirvana earlier.
…I have the time to open up my heart to something that can both give and receive love. Meet Fred:
Fred, getting ready to drop a one-linerHe’s brand new but already I can tell we’re going to get along great. Plus, he tells the funniest jokes!
