Blog readers, I have not forsaken you, I promise. My love for you grows each day. Sometimes I look at you and my heart swells. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have an embolism[UPDATE: I MEAN ANEURYSM. THIS REALIZATION KEPT ME UP LAST NIGHT. NOT THAT MY LOVE FOR YOU ISN’T LIKE AN AIR BUBBLE] kind of love for you.
I’m just in deadline hell right now, which is a later stage of what I was claiming to be in a few days ago, which was article-writing hell. I’ll put it in Red Eye intro terms: If stress were horses, I’d be taking a crap in Central Park right now. But you see, I haven’t forgotten you, not one bit. I’ve been holding each of you in my swollen heart. In fact, yesterday I held you in my heart as I traveled up and down the 405 freeway. And for how long were you trapped in there near my ripe bosoms? Well I had to be in WeHo (that’s West Hollywood and I can’t figure out if it’s said ironically or not) at 10:30am so I left at 8:18am. I was flying down the freeway listening to music and thinking about how maybe I could get used to this driving lifestyle again and maybe I ought to give LA a chance (yes I’m from here but never really considered living in LA as an adult. So Cal was just a place I was caught for some years in an in-between stage, but that’s a story for another day). Anyway, so I’m flying along and loving everything and the morning is glowing and my chakras are oscillating and then I hit a half hour stop-and-go nightmare in Long Beach and I watched minutes tick by and everything slowed and got blurry and distorted and I wanted to punch everyone and everything and the world no longer held much promise, just a trafficky snarl extending out, forever, to the horizon. So finally after nearly running a light which made my heart beat in an exhilarating and yet potentially deadly way, I got to the damn interview. I could go into the rest of the day, but suffice it to say I saw a lot of famous people at the Polo Lounge, site of interview number two, and I longed for the convenience of the subway. “If I were doing this in New York, doing two interviews in one day wouldn’t be stressful at all because I wouldn’t have to drive,” I explained to my LA friend. “If I were in New York, I would be thinking, this is stressful, I wish I were driving,” he said. So there you go.
Oh and the ride home was a couple hours not including getting lost on the way to the gas station first.
Four days Rosen, four days. You didn’t call, no email, no text messages. I had no idea where you were, who you were with or even if you were alive…. You could have been dead at the bottom of a cliff off some canyon road.
No, don’t. Don’t say anything. I’m hurt and overjoyed all at the same time. I’m just so happy your dead and bloated corpse is not desiccating in the SoCal sun being picked apart by carrion birds.
I need some time alone, I’m a wreck.
P.S. Don’t forget my Pee Chee’s.
Quote of the Interview deadline:
ALison RosEn: Your the present day icon for today’s younger demographic. So who is your musical role model ?
MileY CyruS: Every known rocker but my country singing dad……
Sorry to hear about your “deadline hell.” Happy to hear from you. Thrilled to be “trapped near your ripe bosom.”
You knew someone was gonna say it, didn’t ya?
The traffic thing is why I like Boston. Sure, I can hop in a car. Though the traffic here is horrific. So why bother? Sure, I don’t really like the people. Again, why bother? Can walk, ride the subway or grab a cab, let him drive and throw money at him, and be anywhere pretty damn quick. And if this global warming takes hold pretty soon winter will be a memory anyway, so no diff on the weather either.
Would it be wrong to say that I would also like to be in Carrie Keegan’s bosom? Not that I’m not appreciative, but I just know you are a busy person.
Toddrod
P.S. It took me 3 tries to spell “bosom” right.
From the beauty of the Goldenrod Foorbridge to the insanity of the LA freeways… it’s the duality of life. The Ying and Yang. The Yes and No. The… oh forget it.
“trapped in there near my ripe bosoms” — so THAT was why I felt wonderfully warm all over yesterday afternoon. I thought it was because it FINALLY got over 60 degrees here, warm enough to actually open the windows and let some fresh air in. First time since, let’s see… last October??
On the other hand, the only times people here get stuck in traffic is in the winter after a snow/ice storm, usually after an auto accident.
Which reminds me of the time a former co-worker was stopped at a red light behind a large truck. Another large truck coming up behind her lost it’s brakes and slammed into her at full speed. Her car was crushed between the two trucks.
She was badly injured (but fully recovered.) The ambulance soon arrived – and the driver got out, looked at her wrecked car and said, “Where’s the body?”
True story.
I forgot to congratulate you, Alison, on breaking through the 200 mark in the number of members in your Activity Pit group! The group has been nicely gaining new members even though you haven’t been on Red Eye for a month.
You’re still solidly in 4th place after Greg, Andy and Bill!
Whoa, I may be wrong here, but I think we all just had a Hallmark© moment. Curse you evil deadline. No, if anyone can whoop a little deadline it’s Alison.
Tracks for the day:
01) Praying for Time – George Michael.
02) Away from the Sun – 3 doors down.
03) HeadStrong – Trapt.
04) Straight out of Line – GodSmack.
Michael.
La.
Wow, I just asked for some regurgitated words but as the official runt of the litter, can I make a formal request to be sent to the front of the bosom line? You want me to thrive don’t you? Don’t YOU!
So I really felt like after such an extended absence, your first post back would be longer and have a better justification!
—
Ted inserting a thought: Now, I dont’ want to see any blogger reply comments to tacitly imply that I’m an asshole or need to get a life or any of that other bullshit that I’ve seen anonymously posted before. I could see the post now…”Wow Alison, some ppl need to get a life, we support you 100%”…blah blah blah, Everything I write here is 100% B.S., designed for my own mental amusement and Alison knows it! After all, I’m paid to populate blogs and post comments! Just let me put food on the table! You can rent my services at Rent-Ted’s-Comments.Com or .Co (And no she doesn’t pay me, it is one of her relatives).
—
Ok, where was I? Oh yes, hey Alison we support you 1000% and are thrilled of your future job prospects…thanks for letting us know your not in rehab.
Also, don’t let the traffic be your justification for going back to NY! I’ll fly you everywhere in my personal helicopter! By helicopter, I mean my 1983 Yugo! It might look like a beast but it is what is under the hood that matters!
Signed,
Your Pal – The Runt, but hoping for some nutrition soon!
Alison,
I was watching a few clips from the Fox News/Red Eye and was wondering if your book has been published ? I am currently producing a reality show for a large cable show and am looking to bring in a body language expert. Is there a better way I can contact you to discuss further ?
Kindly,
Larissa.
Hi Larissa, I can be contacted at alisonmrosen@gmail.com or through my agent Josh Flaherty at WMA (212) 903-1568.