What I've been up to

What have I been doing since we last talked? Allow me to regale you with a list because I’ve been doing so much that the English language is barely sufficient to capture it all and I may have to snargle blarg snarf gleen!

1. Going to Balboa Island with my mom and Tobey and meeting all sorts of kids because Tobey is popular with children in a way that I never was, even when I was a child.

2. Looking these kids in they eye and saying things like, “I don’t want to freak you out but let me ask you a question, if I were your age do you think you would have liked me? Why or why not?”

3. Rolling my eyes and saying to the parents, “Looks like you’re raising a real winner there.”

4. Getting my hair straightened not with actual chocolate but with chocolate scented carcinogens.

5. Hush my mouth I shouldn’t even joke about that!

6. Bite my tongue I shouldn’t even hush my mouth about that!

7. Hold the phone I shouldn’t be biting my hushed mouth about that!

8. Pump the brakes who’s on the phone right now?

9. Keep your pants on and answer the car phone!

10. I wrote bants my mistake. Bants is funny. Nice bants!

11. You came in here like a bant out of hell.

12. By that I mean you were like a little pair of pants that hang upside down and flap around.

13. Oh also a friend and I invented a small squirrel named Mr. Pickles who craps in his diaper when he’s angry. It’s a special cinco de mayo diaper. I can’t really take credit for it, I just went along with it as I was too busy ducking the bants.

14. I went to a bday party for a 9 year old and saw a whole bunch of friends and then gave birth to my own 9 year old and also played Ms. Pacman.

15. Rubbed the side of my nostril at dinner because I had that uncomfortable pre-zit feeling and then my friend Trevor who I referred to in the last post and who wasn’t only my prom date but is one of my best friends grabbed my hand and said, “stop.” But was he saying that because he thought I was actually sitting at the table picking my nose? Because I wasn’t. This was a strictly superficial nostril massage, the kind that screams “appropriate for fine dining.”

16. Not that I really want to go into the intricacies of zits here but have you noticed how some seem to take forever to do their thing but then others are speedy? I felt an oncoming zit that night and by this morning it’s already sent me a card thanking me for allowing it to spend the night on my face. That’s better than some guys!

17. That was a terrible joke, I’m sorry.

18. Yeah so at dinner the seafood tower arrived and unfortunately it was just some stuff on ice which ruled out playing Jenga with it, which I kind of wanted to do. The crab came in a little terrine of dry ice so naturally my dad leaned forward and inhaled some dry ice and then blew it back out in a way designed to get as much attention as possible. The part where he motioned to the waiter and then did it and then smiled? Apparently the waiter was entertained, as were the entire table of people next to us however I turned right back into a high schooler and said “DAD!” and then tried to make my body as small as possible and hide behind the table cloth. The adult part of me said, “Wait, can you blow dry ice rings?” (Answer? No, only dry ice puffs.) I didn’t ask about dry ice French inhaling because I didn’t want my dad to hurt himself.

19. Not that I’m beyond reproach. I totally turned into an asshole and got all picky about which table we sat at.

20. I pretty much only turn into an asshole around my parents and around my birthday.

21. I wrote some jokes.

22. Oh, so I’ve been bad about scanning and uploading all of this but I’ve been doing the celeb slip ups in Life & Style every week so if you’re near a Life & Style, grab that shit.

23. What else have I been doing?

24. Um… I went to the tide pools and walked around with my friend and her daughter and then we went to her house and I almost played Uno but I didn’t. They had an automatic card shuffler. Remember when I was trying to teach myself fancy card shuffling?

25. I gained 35 pounds give or take 35 pounds.

26. I slept under a keyboard.

27. I went shopping even though I hate shopping.

28. Ok so it wasn’t exactly sleeping under a keyboard but sleeping near a keyboard and then waking up almost under it.

29. Thought about how I haven’t twittered enough while also trying to explain twitter to people here which is never a very satisfactory conversation to have.

30. Went to a crazy Cinco de Mayo party on Cinco de Mayo.

31. Swallowed wrong and coughed a lot. That just happened and now my throat feels irritated and my eyes are wet and my paws are cold and I’m not holding my tail up. Also my coat isn’t glistening. I hope it’s not parvo.

32. Or kennel cough. I definitely don’t want kennel cough.