Latest Excerpt: What I'd Expect if I Were Expecting

What I’d Expect If I Were Expecting is the pregnancy memoir I’m writing ahead of time since if I ever get pregnant and have kids I’ll have no time to write. Periodically I read excerpts on The Adam Carolla Show. Here’s the  most recent one.

Yesterday I burped while watching Rizzoli and Isles so I called my doctor to make sure that was normal for a woman in my state. She, thank you very much, said it was perfectly normal and asked, again, that I please stop calling her on her emergency line. Speaking of emergencies, I can no longer fit into my medium size Juicy sweatpants and don’t even get me started on my Seven for All Mankind Jeans. More like seven sizes too small jeans. Or seven levels of frustration jeans. Or the seven jeans you’d meet in hell jeans. Or seven habits of highly effective jeans, none of which are to fit, evidently, or seven jeans for seven brothers if the seven brothers are the seven dwarves. The only way I could wear them would be to buy another pair of sevens and wear one pair on each leg and walk around like conjoined twins, each of whom has one bad leg but still buys regular pants. At this rate I will have nothing to wear by my third or fourth trimester.

Upcoming chapters include:

Crapping myself while giving birth: How much are we talking and should I give a shit?

Placenta Pie and Other Recipes

“Watch me pull a baby out of your hooha” –The Curious Case of the Magician Obstetrician