Excerpt from What I’d Expect if I Were Expecting, Chapter 2: Mercury in Retrograde (and also in sushi)
Last night I was really looking forward to meeting the gals for some much needed gal time. That was before I knew they wanted to meet for sushi though. SUSHI?!?!?! Oh, I could just see it:
“And what will the obviously very pregnant lady have?”
“I’ll have the spicy deformed baby roll with the cleft palate dipping sauce.”
I don’t think so! What’s next, a raw cheese course followed by formaldehyde shots and thalidomide chasers? I didn’t make a big deal of it though, I just nibbled on my edamame (unsalted, please, and keep it coming) and drank my sparkling water. I couldn’t fault my single friends. It wasn’t that long ago that I, too, was selfish and only lived for myself.
But when you’re super pregnant, if you have friends who are willing to be seen in public with you, grab on to them and never let go! Table for six? More like table for 8 if you count my cankles! And seriously, why the weight gain? I mean, I know it’s nature’s way of keeping men away so you don’t get pregnant when you’re already pregnant and end up like my slutty friend Carol who had triplets, one of whom is Asian, but couldn’t you just give me frizzy hair instead? Oh wait, looks like you already did! Trimester? More like try to do anything with this hair, LOL!!!!!!
Upcoming chapters include:
“Don’t piss on my leg and tell me my water broke”
“What’s a mucus plug and where’s the outlet?”
“My ankles are too fat to kickbox with God”
Love the “one of whom is Asian” line… for obvious reasons.
Alison you’re the best, keep it coming!
Sweet Jesus squeeze us that was funny, Alison. This book excerpt thingie is probably hands down some of your finest work. What was the tipping point for me was the “LOL” at the end of it all because I know you’re not the lol type of person and I know you’re just not that overly emotional and if you’re like me, you question the validity of people that type lol and you also have a new food processor. LOL @ my run on sentence. Ahem. I’m also contemplating if I can actually be friends with people that, “PMSL.” And while I’m at it, am I the only person that thinks “roflmao” looks dangerously close to the word waffles?
Love the book in progress Allison
I didn’t think your stuff could get any better. I hate it when I’m wrong.
It was really embarrassing when my ex-wife’s ankle was too fat for the court ordered monitoring device!
You had to go there with the mucus plug didn’t you.
wow you knew how to pick ’em.
That would be one hell of a sinus infection!
Love the “one of whom is Asian” line… for obvious reasons.
Alison you're the best, keep it coming!
Sweet Jesus squeeze us that was funny, Alison. This book excerpt thingie is probably hands down some of your finest work. What was the tipping point for me was the “LOL” at the end of it all because I know you're not the lol type of person and I know you're just not that overly emotional and if you're like me, you question the validity of people that type lol and you also have a new food processor. LOL @ my run on sentence. Ahem. I'm also contemplating if I can actually be friends with people that, “PMSL.” And while I'm at it, am I the only person that thinks “roflmao” looks dangerously close to the word waffles?
It was really embarrassing when my ex-wife's ankle was too fat for the court ordered monitoring device!
You had to go there with the mucus plug didn't you.
wow you knew how to pick 'em.
That would be one hell of a sinus infection!
I kinda wanna read about the biological father of this fictional soon-to-be-born baby! I wanna know what kinda doofus got Alison knocked up!
Hilarious! LOVE you on Ace, and I’ve learned SO much from this prememoir!
I kinda wanna read about the biological father of this fictional soon-to-be-born baby! I wanna know what kinda doofus got Alison knocked up!
Hilarious! LOVE you on Ace, and I've learned SO much from this prememoir!