Today I went to the dentist and received confirmation of something I’ve long suspected: my gums look fantastic. “All that flapping’s paid off!” I didn’t say to the hygienist, as there were dental instruments in my mouth and plus, no one likes a smug gum show-off. Then the dentist himself came in, nodded in agreement over the fantasticness level of my gums and inquired as to whether I was still wearing my night guard and grinding my teeth. This struck me as odd, since I neither wear a night guard nor grind my teeth. Then he assured me if I get super famous he can do porcelain veneers. “Ah, probably won’t have to do that,” he said upon reflection. I’m hoping this was more a referendum on my teeth than my chances at achieving “super fame.”
The whole thing made me think of this story I wrote a million years ago. Incidentally I will be seeing said tooth whore, the subject of the story, tonight. People with fantastic teeth/gums must stick together.
As you may suspect from my blue avatar, I too have PERFECT teeth.. more or less. They’re not bonded but I never needed braces and people don’t gasp in horror when I smile.
If only everything in my life were as perfect as my teeth, I wouldn’t be living with my mother.
This is Gummy Licious!! Good to hear! 😉
I love the taste of the dentist’s gloves.
That’s a great article. At first I felt depressed that I didn’t have great teeth like that, but then ended up feeling sorry for him. And anyway, I might not have the teeth, but I do have the butt. TMI?
I’d have been tempted to let it be photographed too, in exchange for an electric butt brush.
I will buy you an electric buttbrush if you post your butt on YouTube. You have to do some booty shaking and not just your butt standing there. Electric buttbrushes do NOT come cheaply.
As you may suspect from my blue avatar, I too have PERFECT teeth.. more or less. They're not bonded but I never needed braces and people don't gasp in horror when I smile.
If only everything in my life were as perfect as my teeth, I wouldn't be living with my mother.
This is Gummy Licious!! Good to hear! 😉
I love the taste of the dentist's gloves.
That's a great article. At first I felt depressed that I didn't have great teeth like that, but then ended up feeling sorry for him. And anyway, I might not have the teeth, but I do have the butt. TMI?
I'd have been tempted to let it be photographed too, in exchange for an electric butt brush.
I will buy you an electric buttbrush if you post your butt on YouTube. You have to do some booty shaking and not just your butt standing there. Electric buttbrushes do NOT come cheaply.
There’s nothing more important for a woman than dental hygiene. Am I right guys? In fact, the first thing I do after meeting a woman is stick my head and both hands in her mouth and start checking things out. Sometimes it’s a tight fit, especially since I’m usually wearing a miner’s helmet with that big bright light on it, but if a woman has a hat size of at least 6 and three-quarters, there usually isn’t a problem. I’ll spend 20 minutes or so in there and if there’s even a hint of gingivitis I’ll suddenly remember I promised to give my Aunt Gertrude a ride to her aerobics class and get the hell out of there. A little dental work is fine unless she has a dental bridge. Dental bridges are a deal breaker. As far as I’m concerned, a dental bridge is a bridge to nowhere.
But assuming her mouth checks out, I’ll move on to the next vital area – her feet – and start checking for the 3 Cs: Corns, Calluses and Bunions. Yes, I know Bunions doesn’t start with a C, but work with me here, OK? Bunions has a U in it, which is kind of like a C rotated sideways. Happy now? I can put up with some Corn and Callus action, but Bunions are a defiinite turn off. Am I right guys? Imagine you’re on vacation together in South Miami Beach and walking barefoot on the beach — everyone will be staring at her Bunions!! Way too embarrassing.
Now I just have to mention that while women are usually fine with guys checking out their mouths, they suddenly get all uppity when you start checking out their feet. What’s up with that? They’re always like, “Why are you checking out my feet?” to which I respond, “Just take your shoes off and let me do my work, OK?”
So if her mouth and feet are good, there’s only one thing left to check – her elbows. Dry, cracked elbows are a big problem. Am I right guys? And it’s amazing how many women with otherwise beautiful skin have the driest elbows, so you just have to check. The one good thing about dry elbows is that they can be fixed. I once went out with a woman and on the first date I noticed she had really dry elbows. So on the second date I brought her a gift — a 5 gallon tub of moisturizer. It was a lot better after that, but then on the 5th date I found out she had a dental bridge. That was when I was a lot younger and before I realized you have to check the mouth first.
Am I right guys?
There's nothing more important for a woman than dental hygiene. Am I right guys? In fact, the first thing I do after meeting a woman is stick my head and both hands in her mouth and start checking things out. Sometimes it's a tight fit, especially since I'm usually wearing a miner's helmet with that big bright light on it, but if a woman has a hat size of at least 6 and three-quarters, there usually isn't a problem. I'll spend 20 minutes or so in there and if there's even a hint of gingivitis I'll suddenly remember I promised to give my Aunt Gertrude a ride to her aerobics class and get the hell out of there. A little dental work is fine unless she has a dental bridge. Dental bridges are a deal breaker. As far as I'm concerned, a dental bridge is a bridge to nowhere.
But assuming her mouth checks out, I'll move on to the next vital area – her feet – and start checking for the 3 Cs: Corns, Calluses and Bunions. Yes, I know Bunions doesn't start with a C, but work with me here, OK? Bunions has a U in it, which is kind of like a C rotated sideways. Happy now? I can put up with some Corn and Callus action, but Bunions are a defiinite turn off. Am I right guys? Imagine you're on vacation together in South Miami Beach and walking barefoot on the beach — everyone will be staring at her Bunions!! Way too embarrassing.
Now I just have to mention that while women are usually fine with guys checking out their mouths, they suddenly get all uppity when you start checking out their feet. What's up with that? They're always like, “Why are you checking out my feet?” to which I respond, “Just take your shoes off and let me do my work, OK?”
So if her mouth and feet are good, there's only one thing left to check – her elbows. Dry, cracked elbows are a big problem. Am I right guys? And it's amazing how many women with otherwise beautiful skin have the driest elbows, so you just have to check. The one good thing about dry elbows is that they can be fixed. I once went out with a woman and on the first date I noticed she had really dry elbows. So on the second date I brought her a gift — a 5 gallon tub of moisturizer. It was a lot better after that, but then on the 5th date I found out she had a dental bridge. That was when I was a lot younger and before I realized you have to check the mouth first.
Am I right guys?