That pre-going-to-a-thing feeling

So there’s a thing I’m supposed to go to tonight and I’ve already told a couple people I’m going to go however I’m now getting that pre-going-to-a-thing feeling which I get far too often where I begin to doubt whether I really want to go and here’s why:

It’ll likely be all the same people it always is at these things and while I don’t know all of them by any means, I know enough to keep it from feeling new but too few to make it so I feel like I’m kicking back and hanging out with friends.

So if I go I’ll know all these same people and I’ll flirt with the same people I always flirt with at these things and it won’t mean anything and possibly little fleeting crushes will be ignited on either side which will ultimately go nowhere.

I might smoke a couple cigarettes and have one drink and then I’ll wake up feeling vaguely hung over because my alcohol tolerance is shit these days and my throat will hurt which at first I’ll think is because it was loud and I had to raise my voice to be heard over the din and then I’ll suddenly remember the cigarettes and then I’ll sniff my hair for confirmation and then I’ll feel gross because I don’t smoke anymore. It’s also possible I’ll have zero drinks or, if I’ve decided to throw judgment out the window, four drinks, at which point I’ll head home and vomit.

I’ll spend money to take a car or cab home which will feel like a waste.

As this is sort of a networking thing, I’ll likely talk about my show but will begin to hate myself and feel like an asshole while indiscriminately dousing any and all conversational partners in a fine mist of self-promotional mumbo jumbo because you just never know. I may also talk about freelancing or puppies.

I will spend roughly 18 to 24 percent of the time in line for the bathroom, which is not a drug reference, but a sad statement about how long the line to use the ladies room can be. If I’m feeling bold I will use the men’s bathroom and then pretend I didn’t know what I was doing. Except I kind of hate doing that, so I probably won’t.

It’s possible at some point there will be toilet paper stuck to my shoe and some kind soul will point this out or I’ll be the kind soul who points it out to someone else (same if someone tucks their skirt into their tights) and then we will be super duper fast friends for about two minutes because we are bonded by averted embarrassment. This bond will continue from afar throughout the night however it will be reset to stranger level by the next event.

I’ll take some photos and send some tweets from said event, to let everyone know I’m hitting the town and living it up, and then the next day I will look at them and feel glad that I pushed myself to go, even though my throat hurts.

But I can tell I’m dangerously close to not going, especially as I think The Bachelor is on right now.