A very domestic post about paper towels

Because I am messy and trying to save money I tend to buy the cheapest paper towels I can find because I’m  not worth it. Then sometimes if my nose is running I’ll grab a paper towel and chafe the  hell out of my face. That is beside the point.

So the other day there was a sale on Viva paper towels, which everyone knows are the best, so  I really couldn’t afford not to buy them. No really. I did the math. I crunched the numbers. Had I not bought these paper towels I’d be out on the street living in a shoe box eating shoelaces.

So I hauled my two-ply booty home—and the paper towels—and promptly spilled water all over the place. I reached for the shitty paper towels as I still had some left and old habits die hard and I wasn’t going to waste the new paper towels on something so prosaic as spilled water (I was planning to use them to sop up liquid gold from leather seats of my Ferrari. “Damn you!” I’d yell at my pet who spilled the liquid gold. “No wonder you’re on the endangered species list!’ Then I’d juggle diamonds to bring my heart rate down.) Anyway, I was throwing the cheap paper towels down on the water and using the remaining half of the roll and feeling like I was just pushing the water around, not really picking it up. When I ran out I had no choice but to open the new special occasion paper towels. Two sheets cleaned up the whole mess. I don’t mean to sound like a commercial but it was kind of amazing. Then I started wondering if it’s cheaper in the long run to buy expensive paper towels because you use fewer? Then I started wondering if it’s cheaper in the long run to just use wads of cash to sop up spills? Then I started wondering if it’s cheaper in the long run to hire a cleaning lady so you can lie around on your divan eating figs and reading mystery novels? Then I started wondering where to buy figs? Also, mystery novels?

So anyway, that’s pretty much all I have to say about paper towels.