I have a problem where I go along with stuff I don’t want which I think is why occasionally I have the recurring dream that I’m about to get married when I suddenly come to my senses and think, “Wait! I never wanted to marry this person! I was just going along with it as a joke and also because I wanted to experience what it would feel like to act as if I was going to get married!” And then in the dream I wonder how I let it go that far without realizing that this was the trial run, not the real deal. Then I realize I’m not wearing any pants and I have to take a test that day but the test is in Portuguese and I’m having a conversation with a puppy. Not really on those last three things. Remind me sometime to tell you about the other recurring dream I used to have which I had for years and years.
But ANYWAY, sometimes I not only go along with things I don’t want but actually select them. This morning I was going to get coffee at the little store I go to. I have an off and on relationship with flavored coffee and I’m currently in the heady throes of on. I sidled up to the French Vanilla spigot and lo and behold they didn’t have French Vanilla they had Hazelnut which was definitely not what I wanted. Could I get behind the filbert invasion?
Here to ruin your morningHm… I thought to myself, holding up the line. Hm… I thought some more. HM… I kept thinking while people loudly cursed me. Then I whipped out my cell phone to call a friend to get another opinion. Not about coffee but just about stuff. Then I made a list of pros and cons. Then I meditated. Then night fell and I dozed off. Then I woke up and went for the Hazelnut and only a splash came out. “It’s a sign!” I didn’t think to myself. The only other coffee was decaf. Did I want decaf? No! I specifically wanted caffeine and plus I could kind of tell that this was decaf that was going to taste weirdly syrupy. It was a headache in a cup. A headache with a splash of hazelnut dregs. A hazelnutache. (Not to be confused with what that word kind of looks like which is hazelnutstache which would be a mustache made of hazelnuts. God how I wish there was a picture of that.) And really, I could easily have just tossed the cup in the trash and been on my way but instead I poured the cup of decaf and then drank it and it was everything I expected it to be.
“Why did I do this to myself?” I wondered, while sipping the gross coffee and thinking about the various things in life I’ve selected for myself that I knew weren’t what I really wanted. To wit:
My last car
The gray-brown couch which thankfully I no longer own
My amp except that doesn’t quite count because I didn’t really know what I was buying at the time and needed an amp and etc.
The last apartment I lived in but also I’m not sure that counts
I feel like there are more.
Answer? I don’t really know.
Oh! Also at one point I was choosing between a job I really wanted and which I had good reason to think I would get versus one that had been offered to me and I chose the one that was offered to me because I was afraid to roll the dice and end up with nothing. I don’t know that that counts though because I could have ended up with nothing and then I’d be sitting here writing about how that was a mistake and etc. Plus the less desired job ultimately led to television, so perhaps this tangent doesn’t belong here. You are unwanted, tangent! Oh wait, now I’m thinking of another job type situation that would maybe fall in this category. But again, I think jobs don’t count because mostly you just work because you have to and because you need money and because it’s better to be working than not. To really love what you do is an amazing luxury. Also, it’s precious. But not precious like pretentious. Just precious like rare and valuable. Like every word that falls from my lips.
In other grocery store-related news, I bought some fresh herbs even though I don’t quite know what to do with them. Do I keep them refrigerated? Or not? See, the meringue experiment has taken a drastic turn and I probably should have kept you all abreast of the situation but for whatever reason I’ve chosen to shut you out. Don’t take it personally, it’s just that you can’t be trusted. I mean, I’ve given you ample opportunity to prove me wrong and you’ve failed every time. Every thyme! (Get it? No? Okay nevermind.)
Basil, RosemaryI decided the Splenda was getting out of control and so I’m not longer sweetening the meringues but instead thinking of them as savory cracker puffs. So long as I don’t overcook them and they get so dry and flaky I choke on the dust when I eat them and then gasp for air while coughing out a cloud of aspirated meringue, they’re semi-edible. I’ve been seasoning them with rosemary and sometimes basil. Could I be any more fancy?
Also, I have a headache.
I have other things to write about. I’ll make a list and then never write about them:
cravings
The Doug Benson Interruption
Throwing Muses
Will Ferrell on Broadway
mailboxes
I thought merengues were a series of latinesque dance numbers.
I had a hazelnutstache once–the result of spreading my Nutella (TM?) a bit too think on the bread. No picture though (thank goodness).
Alison, I’d totally leave my wife to walk down the isle with you, then be left standing there while you realized the marriage was horrible idea and you really despise me. I’m that kind of fan. Really, I am.
Hey this blog isn’t big enough for two Scott(s). You’re going to have to add an initial or something so Alison doesn’t confuse us.
This blog is big enough unfortunately to have ads for Cellulite removal and combating Female Odor that I fear people will begin to associate with our beloved Alison every time they click on here 🙁
Sounds like you need Andrew WK to come in and do an intervention.
PARTY HARD!!
~**~
Are you Andrew WK? Do you work with him? Do you manage him? I don’t understand but I would like to.
Oh hey, Brett Jones is back! Alison, I think Savage is only saying that you should get out of NYC, and vlog somewhere sunny for a little while.
Toddrod
Aww…how cute. You drank out of that little sippy cup?
How dare you diss Hazelnut! When I did use cream in my coffee, I used Hazelnut all the time. I did French Vanilla, too, but it’s a little sweeter than Hazelnut so I switched. Although my all-time favorite was Peppermint Mocha, which was released this past Christmas. I don’t know if they are still around, but if they are, you should definitely try it. But yeah, now I just drink my coffee black without any sweeteners, because I’m hard like that.
I don’t see what’s the point of drinking coffee decaf. Besides, caffeine is good for you. Not to mention decaf is also limited-depleted of antioxidants. Also as a tip, go for medium roast coffee as it has the most antioxidants. Dark roast would sound like it would contain more, but overroasting it is what eliminates some of it so you don’t get as much.
I was going to change my avatar back, but you requested a nutty mustache.
I’d like to hear about those additional topics listed.
There are few things less satisfying than when we end up buying something that is not at all what we wanted, (not even choice #2), because we didn’t want to deal with walking out. But we know that we should walk out. How else will they learn?
But my question is, when you were on your cell phone, were you saying, like the woman you once imitated in a vlog:
“Thet is sooo funneh”
“Thet is soooooo funneh”
“Thet is sooo funneh”
I hope that you did.
I’m definitely “off” of flavored coffees. Give me, as Dennis Leary says, coffee flavored coffee. Well Coffee with 4 Sweet n lows and some cream, but still coffee flavored. And never Hazelnut. UGH. Total UGH.
This also has to be the longest blog you have done lately. Where you missing us?
Hey, I remember Throwing Muses. I’ve got a record of theirs somewhere. I am going to clean up my place and find it and listen to it. Thanks Alison.