So it’s come to my attention that my ex-boyfriend who has been featured in some of those A&E Bios that I’ve also been in was recognized by a waiter over the weekend. How do I feel about this? I’m glad I asked. You might think I would be slightly disgruntled that he was recognized and I never am when I’ve literally been on TV 8 million times (no, literally! I counted!) but see, that’s not how I am. I don’t do it for the recognition. I do it for the adulation. Also, all the sex. I can count how many times I’ve been recognized on one hand and not just any hand but a hand that is missing all its fingers and also its thumb. I can count the times on a stump. Does this bother me? Again, you are getting the wrong idea there pal about what’s important to me. The children are important. My hair is important. People thinking highly of me, especially people I don’t know, is important. Being treated slightly better than a regular person. All that is important to me. But having someone lavish praise on me in public? Only some kind of asshole would enjoy that. It’s for this reason that the times that I’ve been standing next to Red Eye guys and they’ll get recognized by someone who goes on to say that they watch the show ALL THE TIME and then I’ll kind of preen and stand there waiting for them to notice me and then it doesn’t happen, and sometimes they’ll actually tell me how great the show is, like informing me about the show in case I don’t know, like I am one of them, instead of one of not them, well I find it incredibly humbling that I can pass for just a regular person. It’s very satisfying.
And just in case you’re thinking that in real life maybe I look different than I do on TV… the above has happened on nights when I’ve done the show. Meaning I look exactly like I do on TV, minus the TV screen around my head which I’m totally going to start wearing. But that’s not the only change I’m going to make:
1) I’m going to don recognizable glasses.
2) I’m going to print up this blog and hand it out at concerts and stick it on windshields under wiper blades
3) I’m going to begin hanging out on Long Island, where people watch A&E Bios and recognize you
4) I’m going to be the best me I can be
5) If it will somehow help me get stuff I want
6) I’m going to try to pretend more that I’m really listening when other people talk but GOD, so hard!
7) I’m going to buy Alleve because I’m almost out
8) I’m going to get to the bottom of the difference between sugar free cherry jello and sugar free black cherry jello because it’s keeping me up at night
9) I’m going to quit lying
10) I never lie
11) shit!
12) I’m going to think more about puppies and ducklings because they’re my favorite
This is a sad blog, you know, I can’t believe people don’t chase you around NYC because you know not every Red Eye fan is stable, did I mention I am a die hard Red Eye fan.
Well you still have ToddRod, Joe, Brett and me!
Your unofficial PR firm of Ted B. Goodlove will take care of this recognition nonsense! I’ll post on the AP later!
You could try wearing one of those Cat-in-the-Hat hats.
A Ro,
Don’t worry–if you ever make any personal appearances in Seattle I’ll adulate you.
In the meantime if you really want to up your profile you should consider filling in for Greg as guest host of Red Eye sometime when he’s out. You’re WAAAAAY funnier than M.C. and she’s been given the chance to host more than once. Whad up wit dat?
I’ve already started campaigning for it over at the Dailygut so the ball is already in motion–you should probably start preparing now 🙂
Scott
Maybe people are just being, you know, polite. They see you as a big fancy star, and don’t want to intrude on your private life.
Or they are terrified you will eviscerate them with your wit. Either or.
Perhaps you’ve just been hanging around the wrong places or with the wrong types of people. I say you should just walk around randomly and continuously (while making eye contact) until someone notices/recognizes you. Once that happens, then you’ll know where to start hanging out. You should also time yourself and calculate the radius from where you are. Damn, that’s gotta be the best plan ever! You’re welcome.
Sorry to tell you Alison, but I just looked at your blogger picture, and to me, it didn’t really look that much like you do on Red Eye. I think it might be because you smile so much on Red Eye, that non-smiling Rosen looks significantly different.
Maybe smile less?
or you could wear a t-shirt that says “I’m Alison Rosen.”
Then I would definitely recognize you. But I don’t live in the city, so it doesn’t matter anyway.
People often recognize me on the street, mainly because I’ve been featured several times on America’s Most Wanted. And then there was the time I had a long discussion with Chris Hansen. He’s such a nice guy!
You just gotta get on the right shows, Alison. I told you before that Pants Off Dance Off would do a lot for your career. And then there’s trying to get that guest spot on Human Wrecking Ball.
Ted – awesome job on the magazine art!! In case anyone hasn’t seen it yet, click here.
I’ve been adulating you from afar in Ann Arbor for a while now.
I’d probably be too shy to approach you on the street though if I saw you for fear of seeming like some weird crazy fan.
Oh, I don’t believe that there is anyone who doesn’t know who you are Miss…Roseland, is it?
Besides, I heard the only reason why you ex got recognized by a waiter is because he doesn’t leave a tip.
I was going to go with a “I’ve been adulating you from afar” line, then tie it into a masturbation joke, but I’m not really in the mood. Truth be told at my age I’m really only good for one masturbation joke a day and I shot one off this morning.
I’d also like to publicly promise to make a huge scene if our paths cross by chance. I’d go so far as soiling myself. Standing there wetting my pants screaming “Oh my GOD, it’s Alison M Rosen” would do so much for your standing in the TV community.
Alison, I hope you realize there is a time zone issue. You will probably be more recognized in other time zones because usually you are on television when 99.9% of the Eastern Time Zone is sleeping. In California, people are talking about nominating you for the next governor. Also, if you really want some more recognition, I think you need to bring your parents with you, where ever you go. They are pretty popular here, and that may translate into frequent Alison Rosen recognitions on the streets of NYC.
Toddrod
Next time I see you running around NYC, I will make sure to make a HUGE scene.