It’s common knowledge that my humor is pretty insufferable and frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. To know that my jokes could help someone who’s in pain or in suffering, well, it makes it all worth it. But I don’t want to just stand here using my humor to put people out of their misery. I want to teach you to do the same. Crazy as it sounds, I think I can.
See, humor can be taught. Granted I was born hysterical and have always been really fucking funny, but I think I can show you a few principles that will get you well on your way to being that person who’s getting groans and eyerolls from people who’d rather be talking about something serious or meaningful. And isn’t that really what it’s all about? Pull up a whoopie cushion (always funny) and read on!
1) Timing
Timing is vital in comedy. For example, take the following ripsnorter:
What has two thumbs and loves blowjobs?
[then you point at yourself with your thumbs and say…] This guy!
note: works better if you’re a guy
Now see, that’s a funny joke, but only if you include the punchline while your audience still remembers what you’re talking about, in this case blowjobs. I know a guy, we’ll call him Guy, and he made the mistake of saving up the punchline thinking he’d get a bigger laugh if he really let the anticipation build. He waited two days and happened to yell it out at a dinner party right as the host was asking who clogged the toilet.
In Sum: Timing is important. Don’t admit to clogging a toilet at a party when you’re trying to profess your love of blowjobs.
2) Funny Voices
The voice is a magical thing. You can use it to sing, to hum, to yell for help, to snitch on a friend and to be funny. The best way to do this with your voice is to make your voice itself sound funny. Can you talk in a really high pitched voice? Can you make your voice all low and grumbly? Can you make each word go up like this? Can? You? Make? Each? Word? Go? Up? Like? This?
Stop! I give! I’m crying uncle! You’re too funny!
In Sum: funny voices = funny
3) “oh, this old…”
I’ve personally gotten a lot of mileage by greeting each compliment I receive with “oh, this old [insert thing that was complimented]. I just found it [insert place you’d find it].” For example:
guy: wow, you have very straight teeth
me: oh, these old things? I just found them in my mouth.
The result? I had three offers for dates, won a government grant, a burrito and a trip to the Caribbean and no one didn’t have sex with me that night.
In Sum: It’s good to be the kind of person who receives compliments.
Congratulations! By now you should be well on your way to the kind of yucks you’d only dreamed about before, and this is just the beginning. In the coming weeks I’ll post more tips and before long you’ll be so funny people will be sure you experienced some kind of trauma as a young child.
You should be writing for SNL.
How to be funny:
1.Mostly say Unpredictable jokes.
2. Don’t laugh when giving out an explosive joke.
3. Never say you are funny.
4. talk about something the common person observes but explain it in a fancy way.
5. Finally, Don’t lose to the Eagles on Sunday…………
Ha ha ha,take that Dane Cook !!!!
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You totally need to write a book…YOU NEED TO WRITE ONE! Look, Wendy’s was good and I bought it….you are writing great stuff for FREE! Make us pay damn it! We want to pay…The Obama administration has promised us all high paying Govt. jobs so I’ll be able to afford your book soon!
On a side note…I had Kohler “Super Flusher” toilets installed after a friend kept clogging my toilet during my monthly UFC parties….He did admit to clogging them but thankfully did not bring up BJs!
Are these things your Funniest Reporter Mentor taught you!?!?!? I bet they are!
Even before reading this I did the funny voice thing while giving advice, I should so get a job for that but apparently everyone does it already, to some girl in relationship where she sounds like she’s totally getting the raw end of the deal.
Thank you for the wonderful advice!! I never get laughs from anyone without it involving personal nudity.
“people will be sure you experienced some kind of trauma as a young child”
Isn’t that what they say about comedians, that a lot of them had very sad and unhappy childhoods? and that many of them are supposedly from broken homes? I don’t know if that’s really true or not.
Excellent tips, Ms. Gigglez! The funny voice tip reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry and his friends are going around saying HELL-LLLOOOOOOOOOO. Great episode.
“I had three offers for dates…”
I’d have thought you’d get more dates with the blowjob joke than the “oh, this old…”, although it probably wouldn’t help so much getting the government grant.
Excellent post, Ali-boo.
i second/third/fourth the you-need-to-write-a-book comments.
Ted and Anna are right. You need to write a book, and then send us autographed copies so that someday they will be worth a lot more money than what we paid for them.
Toddrod
yourthumbhumorisn’tfunny
noticenospace?
cuseidon’thaveanyGODDAMNTHUMBS!!!!
You’re way too funny to write for SNL. One day you have to explain how you got to be so funny, it’s really unnatural (in a good way).
Excellent lesson Alison…I look forward to continuing my education at your humor academy. One question…can you quantify the humor factor difference between someone who is “really funny” and one who is “really fucking funny”? The later includes more jokes involving (always funny) blowjobs, perhaps?