I did not make toast

I did not make toast. I know this because I don’t have a toaster. I don’t even have bread. Yes, I could have made imaginary toast with imaginary bread in the over or broiler or on the stove, but I didn’t, because that’s not the kind of thing I would do. And yet it smells strongly of toast in here, and not just any toast but burnt toast, and it’s coming from my hair dryer which I just used to blow hot toast air all over my head. I smell like a bakery accident.

So why don’t I just replace my hair dryer? Are you kidding? The thing cost like 8 million dollars. It’s made from baby otters and white truffles. It has tourmaline in it which is so fancy it’s not even a real chemical and it does something with ions that probably doesn’t hold up to real science either. I think it might run on nuclear energy.

So then why don’t I consult the warranty? Are you crazy? Are you hearing anything I’m saying? I don’t even have bread in my apartment. Why would I possibly still have the warranty? Obviously I slathered peanut butter on it and ate it ages ago.