As you may or may not know, my birthday is Sunday, so I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about things like how old I am and also just me and what a gift I am and continue to be to this world. But I’ve also noticed there are things I’m beginning to do which are indicative of my advanced age. Embarrassing things. A list of them? Sure, why not:
Things I’m embarrassed I now do:
1. automatically glance at the ring finger of whatever guy I’m talking to
2. think about my 401K
3. find it harder to concentrate if there’s music or TV blaring in the background
4. put my teeth in a cup
5. wish my children called more often, even though I don’t have any
6. wonder where my pince-nez are when they’re right on my nose!
7. know what pince-nez are
8. talk about how stuff was “in my day”
9. wear a bumper sticker on my motorized wheelchair that says “I’m spending my grandchildren’s inheritance!”
10. it’s next to the bumper sticker that says “my other car is a temper-pedic”
11. and right above the one that says “I brake for Chick Hearn”
12. appreciate the complexity of flavors in applesauce
13. war bonds!
14. think about my eggs
15. deviled egg joke here!
16. I just don’t get facebook like I get myspace and I’m sure that’s age related
17. feel flattered when I get carded
18. except for when I find it annoying
19. dread my bday
20. fondly recall my time aboard the Lusitania
21. sometimes I switch to decaf because why drink that extra caffeine, you know?
22. talk about how my long hair used to bring all the boys around when I was just a village girl before I was sold into white slavery
23. it’s a grim story
24. sometime I’ll tell you. when you’re older.
I once thought you were “a vivacious person with effervescent thoughts and bubbly feelings.” Alas, you fooled me; curses to my naivete! When did you become this curmudgeon? I now picture you in a whole new light. Perhaps you are lonely. Even Archie Bunker had his Edith to give him a softside.
Toddrod
“motorized wheelchair”
Come on, Alison. You won’t need one of those for another 2 or 3 years. That’s why for your birthday I bought you a metal-frame walker, which will help you navigate the crowded sidewalks of NYC. It’s foldable too, so you can carry it on mass transit.
May I also suggest adding an item to your list?
25) Put a deposit down on Florida retirement condo in Del Boca Vista, Phase 2.
As any Seinfeld fan will tell you, that’s the place to go when you enter your golden years.
I knew your bday was coming up, but I’ll go ahead and wish you a happy one! You’re still young, Alison, don’t even think otherwise, you still have plenty of time to do anything you want.
The first thing on your list is something I do all the time, too (with women, of course).
I’m in my mid-20s, but living here in the more rural part of the country (about 30 miles northwest of Atlanta), almost all of my friends from high school are already married, or at least have kids. I haven’t kept up with any of them, so when I bump into one of them, I usually haven’t seen them for 8 or 9 years and they’ve just grown up completely. It’s weird, and it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me sometimes because I haven’t had a relationship in what seems like forever.
Another thing that makes me feel old is my career choice. It’s hard to be told that trying to break into the entertainment business isn’t ever going to work, and I should be trying to “get a real job” and settle down — especially when the people telling you this are your own parents — but I keep telling myself if I work hard enough, it’ll all work out for me. I want to be a panelist on Red Eye (remote from Atlanta), but you have to have a prior body of work to draw from, apparently. I’ve just not been that fortunate to this point.
Sorry to run the comment so long, but your post resonated with me because people around me have all grown up SO quickly by comparison. It’s frustrating sometimes. I’ll go finish this in my own blog now.
Happy early birthday, Alison.
I laughed out loud at #10! You should do stand up!
When you get to the Fiber stage you know you’ve hit rock bottom.
That or when you start thinking about all those times you had to sit in a bread line, cut up cloths and make your own skirts, and use a little Kerosene around the bed to keep the bugs out.
Oh those were the days, the dirty diry days.
Well, first – Happy Birthday! Trust me when I tell you the alternative is not a lot better.
You did forget the benefit of having dinner at 4PM.
Just hope your friends don’t surprise you by inviting eveyone you ever knew to a hotel lobby bar and then launching a sneak birthday assault.
You also get to drive with one turn signal on.
I can never find my keys…But that could be the NyQuil and Jack too.
In case I “misplace” my keys again and can’t commment, Happy Birthday!