At the gym; reality tv

I’m at the gym not taking an abdominal class because yesterday I decided to get on some machine and do a few crunches and then the gym asked me to stop because I was doing it so well the other gym patrons were getting discouraged. “Save it!” I said, holding up a sculpted arm. “Story of my life.” It actually is, and the first line is, “Call me sculpted arm.” Catchy, right? It’s been ripped off left and right, which is also the story of my life. That one starts, “It was the best of arms, it was the worst of arms.” Around that time Hemingway came out with Farewell to Arms, which I took as a personal affront, so I went into witness protection. Ernie was always doing stuff like that, and I realize that now, but at the time I was really trying to be safe. Anyway, that’s why I’m not in that class, but damn you, that’s not what I was planning on talking about today! You’re just too distracting, you know that? When I look into your eyes I see myself. Very tiny in your pupils. There I am! Waving! Wait hold still I think I have something in my eye. Sorry, am I making you uncomfortable? I can almost make it out.

So I’ve put up with a lot of shark jumping from Keeping Up With The Kardashians and I’ve loved them all the same, refusing to see the obvious contrivances, because such is my love. But last night they just pushed me too far with the completely impossible to believe calendar mix up. For the uninitiated, which is probably all of you, I will briefly recap:

For her boyfriend’s bday, Kim Kardahsian decides to make a sexy calendar exclusively for him and she even gets her butt sucked by a vacuum in advance so her cellulite will be lint free. Then she has this photo shoot and her boyfriend actually shows up and is made slightly uncomfortable by the sexy factor but Kim tells us when he realizes it’s for his eyes only it’ll be okay, nevermind the fact that she posed in Playboy and there was a sex tape. So the big thing is that he can’t know it’s a surprise for him—he has to think it’s a magazine photo shoot. So then Kim is somewhere off screen and a package arrives at smooch, the children’s clothing store that the girls run. Because you’d obviously send your racy photos to a children’s clothing store. So then Kim’s mom Kris ‘where’s my nose’ Jenner, wife of Bruce ‘I don’t know, but I can’t find mine either’ Jenner opens the package addressed to Kim because she’s her manager. Might I say that is a really poor system? Upon seeing the racy calender, Kris thinks that obviously this is some project of Kim’s that she forgot about and she doesn’t want Kim to think she dropped the ball as a manager so she gets the thing published and puts it in four stores in Calabasas because she is a publishing magnate and that’s how it works. Mind you, all this happens in the time it takes freakishly small Kourtenay and or-is- she-freakishly-large Khloe to have a few drinks and realize Bruce is inspirational. They had some drinks at a sports museum in orange county and I have no idea where this place is, but that’s a side note.

So then Kim freaks out when she realizes her calendar is at the Stop & Go or wherever it is and also at the newstand and she has to buy up all the copies paying full price each and the guy selling doesn’t even seem to realize that the girl buying up all the calendars being followed by cameras is the same girl in the calendar. That is some good acting. Everyone else’s though was terrible.

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