Christmas has exploded inside Starbucks. You can tell because the cups are now Christmasy and there’s more red everywhere and my coffee tasted like elves. Also, I think I heard some holiday music but I couldn’t quite tell from underneath my hat and scarf and also there were general auditory issues created by going from the cold outside to the slightly less cold inside. I remembered when my dad tried in vain to discourage me from moving to New York with tales of how cold it is here and I was thinking how that was so silly because the cold isn’t that dreadful, but the funny thing is that I was thinking this while simultaneously thinking “fuck this fucking fucked weather,” because I was in a good mood, you see. It’s just that it was raining and my jeans were wicking the water toward my skin. Like the opposite of two denim maxi pads. So anyway, if I were to get a pet should I get a bird or a puppy? I think I should get a dog but I keep dreaming about birds. Probably because my life’s like a cage, man. Also because I like to peck at gravel to keep my crop and gizzard running smoothly. I guess that’s all. I’ll be on NBC at 6:45 am tomorrow (locally) and I’m going to be on Montel next week but I’m not sure how soon it airs after taping. I’ll keep you posted. And if you’re my parents and you’re reading this, guess what, I’m going to be on Montel! It’s not that you have to find out from reading my blog, it’s that I thought sharing this news with you on the blog would be a special way for us to catch up!
Oh and one more thing everyone, I tried my hand at a Letterman style top ten list. (This was an actual Letterman topic, but my own list) Here it is:
Top Ten Signs Your Baby is Too Fat
10. doctors tell you he has a “great personality”
9. his stroller keeps getting a flat tire
8. when he was born the doctor said, “congratulations, it’s… enormous!”
7. he’s already in adult diapers
6. during delivery the doctor was overhead saying “forecepts? better make that fivecepts.”
5. he cries till you feed him a strained Whopper
3. when you interview nannies you ask them how much they bench.
2. more reinforcements for the changing table!
1. his nickname is jabba the baby
Quote of the Day:
“They say our lyrics are confusing because they don’t make any sense. Well listen up, nothing makes sense,the books I read and the movies I watch don’t make sense, putting make-up on during a concert doesn’t make sense, and what I’m saying right now doesn’t make any practical sense at all.”
Peter Wentz on defending his Band(Bassist and lyricist for Fall Out Boy)
Excerpt from People Magazine
WoW!! My jaw just dropped. Nothing like a good barage of the “f-bombs.” I didn’t realize you had it in ya. If you were a Spice Girl, I would name you Edgy Spice. Anyway, as far as choosing the pets, I would go with the birds. I happen to have 2 Cockateil’s. (heh,heh,heh,I said cock.) I enjoy having them. They both have their own personalities. Condescending little bastards. They are easy to clean up after, unlike the rigorous task of potty training a dog. If all else fails, get one of those bug-eyed goldfish. They seem to be the best pet as far as if you need to explain how death works to a young one. Alright, I’m out of here. I need to finish getting my 13 hr. sleep, or I’m just no good.
Michael.
Louisiana.
Saw you on channel 4 this morning but was half asleep. That woman talking to you scared me for some reason. Couldn’t say why though. Battle is her name? Yikes.
I’ve heard Montel smokes weed before the show for his MS. So to get him going change the levels and speed of your voice a few times. It may freak him out a bit. Not to be cruel. Just for a laugh.
Wow, the holidays are here. What a fast year. Time flies when you’re having funk.
Jason Seaver
Springfield, USA
Your well-maintaned crop and gizzard would make excellent cat-fish bait. Or fantastic crawfish bait. Keep in mind I do live in the Sportsmans Paradise state. So it’s only natural I would come up with such non-sense. I enjoyed the top-ten list, Perhaps you could be a scab and be a writer for the Letterman Show. That sounds horrible. And now some sports news. Tonight the college I went to, “Louisiana Tech.” best engineering school in the country,is going to get the hell beat out of them by L.S.U. It’ll be cool though to be on the National Stage. That will be all now.
Michael.
Louisiana.
Dropping the F-Bomb, Dropping the F-Bomb! Your Letterman list was pardon my language “Fuck, Fucked, Fucking Hilarious!” Let all those writers strike! Just be a scab and everyone will see your brilliance! Oh, not to rub it in but I spent the day in San Marcos, CA and the weather was awesome…I even got slightly sun burned at the beach. 🙂
Looks like you should be writing for Letterman!