Friday’s Red Eye intros hit a new pinnacle of absurdity and some of the guests couldn’t stop laughing. Of all the horribly wrong things I’ve had a hand in writing, I think I’m most proud of these. Actually, that’s a huge statement, so maybe I should rethink it, since when I die I’d really rather not have “she’s so smart if brains were a cheese log, I’d pick at her nuts” on my tombstone. Is it bad luck to wonder what your epitaph will be? I recall a conversation where I was pressed to answer and I said “she liked words [long pause]… more than people.” Anyway, off to paint my fingernails black and write free verse in my diary. And that brings me to another intro which probably can’t be used: “He’s so smart if brains were a do not disturb sign, I’d hang him on my knob.”
UPDATE: HERE’S A VIDEO OF THE INTROS I WAS TALKING ABOUT ABOVE:
Hello, Alison! I’m watching you on Fox News Channel right now. (How in the hell did this show get greenlighted for Fox News Channel, by the way?)
Anyway, I think you are beautiful and witty. You’re fabulous! If beauty were a bowl full of strawberries and bananas with sour cream, I’d eat you alive and lick the bowl clean. Please don’t be offended by that, I’m just playing the same game as you guys…I really think the show is horrible, so why do I watch this crap? Oh, that’s right…beautiful women like yourself and Julia Allison, and Suzanne Sena (please tell her I said hello).
Give my best to everyone on the show.
love,
Ravi
saini@umich.edu
Lovely!
Alison, thanks for making my personal hell less insufferable. If you were a vintage car, I’d buff you with a soft, fuzzy mitt until your headlights glowed on high. If I weren’t so busy, old, on the wrong coast and, most of all, so very lazy, I might stalk you. Thanks for the laughs. (I enjoy your ‘straight’ work, too.) Electron John