Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend

Whose maracas do I need to shake?

Who do I need to blow to get my blog mentioned on Blogs of Note I elegantly asked my friends Mike, er, Duane and Wendy tonight, both of whom have blogs which were recently anointed noteworthy. They couldn’t answer though because they were busy with their thousands of new readers, receiving foot massages and hearing about how great they are and how their writing style is unique and would you like another gold bar and just tell me when you get tired of my going on and on about how you changed my life, it’s just such an honor to meet you.

Finally they got back to me and Mike wanted to know why it’s always that particular sex act that’s equated with a transaction and Wendy told me it was five strangers.

But Mike had a point. When you think about it, why is it always about getting blown?

And so I submit other expressions:

Just who do I have to snuggle with to get a mention?

Just who do I have to spoon to get a mention?

Whose window do I need to clean to get a mention?

Whose car seat do I need to warm? [cold weather only]

Whose gazpacho do I need to chill?

Whose golf score do I need to tally?

Whose stick do I need to swizzle? [I mean this in a cocktail sense! mind out of the gutter, you!]

Whose budgie do I need to teach to talk?

Whose kinks do I need to massage?

Whose mechanical pencils do I need to refill with lead?

Whose ring tone do I need to download?

I could go on all day, but I won’t.

new posts up on Alison and Wendy

Care to know what Wendy and I think about The Hills, giant bananas, Gossip Girl, lions and more? I think you do!

Alison and Wendy

Wendy and I have posted some more chats, so if you’d given up on our tumblr, um, please un-give up on it.

Things I would rather do than clean my room

1. Stare at the mess

2. Write a blog post in list form

c. Entertain myself by going back and forth between numbers and letters

IV. Okay, now that’s going too far.

V. I said too far. Roman numeral humor is only funny to marble statues.

6. Listen to music (New Pornographers right now)

7. But I could totally clean while listening to music. That was the original plan.

8. To be fair, I did clean off my desk.

9. But some of it just got relocated to my bed.

10. Did I ever tell you that after college I slept for a number of months on a bed with a drawer full of crap sitting on one corner of the bed? It’s because we took the drawer out of the desk to make room for a filing cabinet or something, and didn’t have anywhere to put the drawer, so I set it on the bed and just learned to work around it. Also, at this time I had one of those wooden duck phones a la Silver Spoons that quacked when it rang—also its eyes lit up— but it didn’t sound like a duck. It sounded like Satan. It was really terrible. Anyway, I remember I was talking on the duck phone, sitting on the bed with the drawer nearby, setting up an interview for Rolling Stone or something and anyway I remember Wendy visited me that day and she said “Do you think anyone, when they’re talking to you, pictures you working in this environment?”

11. Okay, she didn’t say “environment” but that was the gist. And no, I don’t think they realized. I also don’t think people knew how young I was when I started. Except that I was really nice/eager, which gets beaten out of you quick.

12. Not me, I’m still nice/eager, except when I’m a total hardened bitch, but I mean, it gets beaten out of you.

13. No drawer on my bed today though. So you see: progress.

14. I’ve been in better moods.

15. I’ve also been in worse.

16. I have a lot of cords. And a lot of little thingies that I doubt I’ll ever use. Like do I need these various international plugs for my blackberry charger? I don’t think so. But it’s not like I can just throw them out, you know? Because you know what happens when you throw them out? You wake up in Paris without a cell phone cursing the last time you cleaned your room. Not making THAT mistake again.

17. I met Mo Rocca this morning. I was having a breakfast meeting, because that’s how I do, and the guy I was meeting knew Mo Rocca and anyway I was introduced and I said “I’m a fan,” because I am, and Mo seemed genuinely touched at my fandom. At my fanship? It’s interesting because were I Mo I would probably say something like “As well you should be” or something equally obnoxious.

18. Actually, that’s not true. Sometimes I say stuff like “Oh my Gosh, thanks!” but then this one time I got trapped at a party by someone who told me I was funny and I said “Oh my Gosh, thanks!” and then the person was like “what, are you surprised to find out you’re funny? you sound like you don’t think you are!”

19. It was an aggressive sort of complementary encounter.

20. I know I’m funny.

21. Perhaps not in this list.

22. The music stopped.

23. Mess still messy.

24. But I do feel we’ve gotten to know each other a bit better.

25. Don’t you?

26. Sorry, can’t hear you, thinking about myself again.

27. My sister had a barking dog phone, which also didn’t sound like a dog. When the phone rang in that house, it sounded like the caterwauling of the undead.

28. If the undead sounded vaguely like a dog and a duck.

29. The title of this post makes me sound 14.

30. Which is cool. Young is in.

31. Okay, I should really find new procrastination music.

Wendy has a website for her book and she didn’t even tell me

What kind of asshole doesn’t tell you about their fetching new website? It’s not like she’s afraid of being self-promotional. God, I think maybe she’s blog cheating on me. That’s the only explanation. I mean, I don’t really understand why that would account for her not telling me, nor do I really understand what “blog cheating” would be, but sometimes the least plausible explanation is the obvious one. In this case it’s not, but I’m not ruling it out either.

Phoebish!

Because I post my chats with Wendy over here, by default, all other chats go here:

me:I can’t lie to my public. I’m like Eva Peron Andy: in many ways.

The reading, the dream, the concourse, the chair

I went to Wendy’s book reading last night but sadly got there after she’d already read because that’s the kind of friend I am. It’s the job, I tell you, I had to work late! I ran into another college friend who’s just given notice to go freelance. “So you can watch TV, sleep and get a puppy?” I asked. He said YES in a way that is more affirmative than just a simple YES would imply. More like YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “It’s the freelance dream,” I said, but up to that point I didn’t quite realize how much the dog is part of everyone’s freelance dream. And no, I’m not living that dream, but that’s okay too because I have a jade plant named Fred and am working on a chest infection. Not really! Mom and Dad, if you’re reading this, I feel a little hoarse and my throat hurts but chest infection really is going too far.

Today I discovered the labrynthian shopping concourse beneath the building I’m now working in which connects to the subway! I thought this would be a way to avoid the elements but it’s pretty cold down there. Still, if it had been snowing I would have avoided the snow—except I left after the subway entrance closed. But I went to the underground Duane Reade earlier in the day and enjoyed the frigid covered access. On my way out of the building I stopped by the Red Eye green room, making my evening rounds, to say hello to my favorite makeup and hair people and anyone else I might know in there. I think I actually walked in and said “hi, I came to brighten your evening with the joy that is my presence.” Then I complained for about 15 minutes and left. Not really. 12 minutes. Thursday I’ll be in the hot girl chair I think, which is good except it means I can’t wear my usual waist-down attire of hotpants and thigh high boots, which is what I’m always wearing in the newsroom when you just see me from chest up. Dang!

Look whose tumblr has comment capabilities now…

Wendy and my very important chat blog does! Also, if you are in the New York area on Monday make sure to go to Wendy’s book reading! I’ll be there too and maybe we’ll do some liveblogging (by that I just mean talking to each other. Get it? That would be our blog live. Get it now? Do you? Oh shut it.)