Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend

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The Jordan Quiz (Plus Gross Chips and Alison’s Tears)

Written by Alison | August 19th, 2015 at 8:43 pm | Comments

Special guest Jordan Morris is back and he’s brought a quiz. How well do Alison and the Thursday gang (Jenna Kim JonesAllan MossDaniel Quantz and Jeff Fox) know Jordan? Also where in the world is Greg Heller? Plus Alison’s licking disgusting lamb flavored chips and crying in the recovery room, Jenna has pregnancy brain, we’re over Vine, everyone’s unwrapping cinnamon roles and we’re talking ear wax. Plus we did a round of Just Me Or Everyone.

A note about this episode (a #FERTALERT): A day after recording, Alison found out that the egg she was told had a “very low” chance of fertilizing actually DID fertilize overnight and now she and Daniel are happy to say they have another high quality embryo. This will only make sense if you listen to the episode and/or are Alison’s doctor.

Download the episode from iTunes.

HOT SUMMER JAMS ALERT: The HGFY and TOUCH THE TUSHY and #AL QUIZ ringtones/singles now available for all platforms!!! Go to Gumroad.com/alisonrosen.

Also, our live podfest ep with Doug Benson and Matt Costa is now available!

Wondering how to contact the show and submit your Just Me Or Everyone?

This show is brought to you by Amazon (clear your cookies first and what the hell, make a bookmark!) and Naturebox and Blue Apron.  And shop in my Amazon store!

Credits? We have some!

Executive producer: Alison Rosen

Producer: Jeff Fox

Music: Trapp Dog Tom Rapp

Logo: Kezilla

follow @alisonrosen and @ariynbf for updates. Don’t use iTunes? Subscribe to the show’s RSS feed.

ALSO ALSO: like us on Facebook!

And read Alison’s new column!

And  read this review of ARIYNBFand read this article about ARIYNBF and buy the live episode from podfest.

| Posted in Uncategorized, podcast

Mary Katharine Ham Returns, Again!

Written by Alison | August 16th, 2015 at 4:26 pm | Comments

Mary Katharine Ham makes her triumphant third appearance on Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend to talk about her new book End of Discussion (recently featured in The New Yorker), her co-author Guy Benson who came out in a footnote in the book, fighting with Bill O’Reilly, Joan Rivers, free speech, religious freedom, babies, “homocons,” Greg Gutfeld’s height, left vs. right, guns, women shooting guns, drugs and so much more. Plus we took your questions over twitter and did a round of Just Me Or Everyone.

Download the episode from iTunes.

HOT SUMMER JAMS ALERT: The HGFY and TOUCH THE TUSHY and #AL QUIZ ringtones/singles now available for all platforms!!! Go to Gumroad.com/alisonrosen.

Also, our live podfest ep with Doug Benson and Matt Costa is now available!

Wondering how to contact the show and submit your Just Me Or Everyone?

This show is brought to you by Amazon (clear your cookies first and what the hell, make a bookmark!) and Blinds.com.  And shop in my Amazon store!

Credits? We have some!

Executive producer: Alison Rosen

Producer: Jeff Fox

Music: Trapp Dog Tom Rapp

Logo: Kezilla

follow @alisonrosen and @ariynbf for updates. Don’t use iTunes? Subscribe to the show’s RSS feed.

ALSO ALSO: like us on Facebook!

And read Alison’s new column!

And  read this review of ARIYNBFand read this article about ARIYNBF and buy the live episode from podfest.

| Posted in Uncategorized, podcast

Kevin Pereira Returns

Written by Alison | August 9th, 2015 at 9:00 pm | Comments

Kevin Pereira returns to Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend to talk about dark thoughts, Hack My Life, hidden camera shoots, MDMA and responsible drug use, growing up in an emotionally abusive home, being desensitized to violence, Twitch, empathy, Christian Science vs. Scientology, relationships and so much more. Plus we took your questions over twitter and did a round of Just Me Or Everyone.

Download the episode from iTunes.

HOT SUMMER JAMS ALERT: The HGFY and TOUCH THE TUSHY and #AL QUIZ ringtones/singles now available for all platforms!!! Go to Gumroad.com/alisonrosen.

Also, our live podfest ep with Doug Benson and Matt Costa is now available!

Wondering how to contact the show and submit your Just Me Or Everyone?

This show is brought to you by Amazon (clear your cookies first and what the hell, make a bookmark!) and Casper.  And shop in my Amazon store!

Credits? We have some!

Executive producer: Alison Rosen

Producer: Jeff Fox

Music: Trapp Dog Tom Rapp

Logo: Kezilla

follow @alisonrosen and @ariynbf for updates. Don’t use iTunes? Subscribe to the show’s RSS feed.

ALSO ALSO: like us on Facebook!

And read Alison’s new column!

And  read this review of ARIYNBFand read this article about ARIYNBF and buy the live episode from podfest.

| Posted in Uncategorized, podcast

How I Feel at this Point in the IVF Cycle

Written by Alison | August 8th, 2015 at 11:18 am | Comments

I’m now at the point of the IVF cycle where I wake up wanting to punch something. It’s like my PMS has PMS only it isn’t PMS it’s a shitload of injectable hormones coursing through my system making me super irritable. I can sense people fidgeting in other rooms and I WOULD LIKE THEM TO STOP RIGHT NOW.

You, with your leg bouncing up and down making that squeaky sound. JUST STOP.

And the clock in my bathroom, ticking. Is it always this loud? It’s all very Edgar Allan Poe.

Someone just honked. I hate that person.

And my dog with her breathing. Actually, she gets a pass.

My stomach just growled or gurgled and it was deafening.

OH THAT INFERNAL TICKING. I have half a mind to march in there and yank out that double AA.

The real kick in the pantaloons is I’m trying to stay calm and relaxed because I think everything works better if you’re calm and relaxed however yesterday my anxiety and frustration began ratcheting up and today it is off the charts.

And the thing with hormones is you can’t be SURE that’s why you’re feeling so easily agitated. Maybe everyone really is being a fucknut and clocks are ticking loudly and nothing’s going right and no one cares and everyone’s ignoring you and THINGS ARE SUPER FUCKED. Probably not, but maybe.

Yesterday I began crying at the fertility clinic and I’m kind of surprised it’s taken me this long to lose my composure there considering the nature of infertility and all the hormones and the clinic’s insistence on early morning appointments and my not being a morning person.

So I trudged in there with my very little buffer yesterday and found out that even though everything looked really promising this month (it varies monthly and if things don’t look promising they will make you come back the following month instead of trying to do a cycle of IVF on a month where it won’t be effective. This has happened to me repeatedly and sometimes it’s a relief because I feel like I need a break and sometimes I just feel disheartened and as if I’m losing time), and even though my labs were excellent, like better than they’ve ever been, and even though I’m now on day 7 of jamming needles full of drugs into my stomach, and even though I’ve been feeling so positive about this cycle and so in tune with my body in a way I never have before to the extent that I thought I’d turned a corner and worked through whatever was holding me back prior to now and here we go, now my body will respond to the medication like most women respond and I can be like everyone else who does IVF and finally I’ll produce a bunch of eggs, enough that they can sort through them and find the good ones and we can create a real family with more than one kid instead of me being this weird outlier who for whatever undetermined reason isn’t pushing out many eggs (one in five eggs are good however I’m producing fewer than 5 eggs a cycle which means the road ahead is long and hard) and isn’t really responding to the drugs, um, this sentence has turned into a word labyrinth and I can’t find my way out.

Or maybe it’s turned into a corn maze of words? I could go either way.

Anyway, I guess it’s kind of silly to think just modifying my lifestyle a bit (working out more, changing my diet, meditating, getting massages which is as close to acupuncture as I can get presently because it scares me) would change something so fundamental inside me. And yet I kind of got into a magical thinking trap.

I’ve seen people close to me do this: blame themselves when their physical ailments or illnesses don’t abate despite a lot of mental work. And it always breaks my heart because it’s like, life is already piling on and now you’re kicking yourself too?

But for the short time when I thought that somehow I’d righted this ship by trying to take control of my mood and thoughts and “energy” and all that, I felt so empowered. And to fall back into what is probably the truth: that it’s capricious and random and out of my control, feels more scary than liberating.

Aaaand I’m realizing I never finished my thought above which is that I found out yesterday that my right ovary is “sleeping,” meaning it isn’t responding to the medications. My left is producing a few eggs which is good and which means all hope for this cycle isn’t lost, I just thought I was clearing the finish line and instead I’m in the dugout. (That’s the correct sports metaphor, right? I AM JOKING.)

And I know I said my goal was to be not tethered to the outcome. To live my life and do everything I can to get pregnant but not to be so hung up on if it’s working because it’s out of my control and etc. But things were looking so good that I allowed myself to really get my hopes up even though I wasn’t aware at the time that’s what I was doing.

But really, if I’m being honest which I am, this is partly about having a baby and partly about feeling like a weirdo outlier like I suggested earlier. It’s about feeling like I’m running in a race with all these swift, able bodied people but I’m lame and misshapen and my body just isn’t working like it’s supposed to. And I realize there are a thousand judgments and distortions in that sentence but it’s kicking around my brain and probably napping on my sleeping ovary.

| Posted in Uncategorized

Jim Florentine Returns

Written by Alison | July 5th, 2015 at 9:02 pm | Comments

Jim Florentine returns to Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend to talk about hiring a private investigator to find out what was going on in his marriage, being typecast as the “jerk boyfriend” in movies and TV shows, Trainwreck, grieving, Florentine justice, upper decking, his relationship with Robin Quivers, Howard Stern Show, Anthony Cumia, working with Louis CK, joint custody and so much more. Plus we took your questions over twitter and did a round of Just Me Or Everyone.

Download the episode from iTunes.

HOT SUMMER JAMS ALERT: The HGFY and TOUCH THE TUSHY ringtones now available for all platforms!!! Go to Gumroad.com/alisonrosen.

Also, our live podfest ep with Doug Benson and Matt Costa is now available!

Wondering how to contact the show and submit your Just Me Or Everyone?

This show is brought to you by Amazon (clear your cookies first and what the hell, make a bookmark!) and Blue Apron.  And shop in my Amazon store!

Credits? We have some!

Executive producer: Alison Rosen

Producer: Jeff Fox

Music: Trapp Dog Tom Rapp

Logo: Kezilla

follow @alisonrosen and @ariynbf for updates. Don’t use iTunes? Subscribe to the show’s RSS feed.

ALSO ALSO: like us on Facebook!

And read Alison’s new column!

And  read this review of ARIYNBFand read this article about ARIYNBF and buy the live episode from podfest.

| Posted in Uncategorized, podcast

Sarah Colonna Returns

Written by Alison | June 28th, 2015 at 9:42 pm | Comments

Sarah Colonna returns to Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend to talk about her new book Has Anyone Seen My Pants? We also chat about how she met her fiance, feeling comfortable with your age, doing a commercial with Candice Bergen, spending thousands on a hookup, dating an athlete, vacationing with Jen Kirkman, hating winter, toxic friendships and so much more. Plus we took your questions over twitter and did a round of Just Me Or Everyone.

Download the episode from iTunes.

HOT SUMMER JAMS ALERT: The HGFY and TOUCH THE TUSHY ringtones now available for all platforms!!! Go to Gumroad.com/alisonrosen.

Also, our live podfest ep with Doug Benson and Matt Costa is now available!

Wondering how to contact the show and submit your Just Me Or Everyone?

This show is brought to you by Amazon (clear your cookies first and what the hell, make a bookmark!) and Audible.  And shop in my Amazon store!

Credits? We have some!

Executive producer: Alison Rosen

Producer: Jeff Fox

Music: Trapp Dog Tom Rapp

Logo: Kezilla

follow @alisonrosen and @ariynbf for updates. Don’t use iTunes? Subscribe to the show’s RSS feed.

ALSO ALSO: like us on Facebook!

And read Alison’s new column!

And  read this review of ARIYNBFand read this article about ARIYNBF and buy the live episode from podfest.

| Posted in Uncategorized, podcast

Jenna’s Diet Coke Test (Plus Alison Gets Called Out for Un-Careful Texting)

Written by Alison | June 24th, 2015 at 10:23 pm | Comments

Jenna Kim Jones talks a good game about being able to identify her favorite beverage—”fresh” diet coke from McDonald’s—but can she really tell the difference between “fresh” and canned? Find out! Plus on this episode AlisonGreg HellerDaniel QuantzJenna Kim Jones and Jeff Fox talk about salons, guacamole, walking and texting, Alison’s ongoing fitness situation, deleted tweets, kid things and so much more. Plus we did a round of Just Me Or Everyone (click here to see the JMOEs from this episode).

Download the episode from iTunes.

HOT SUMMER JAMS ALERT: The HGFY and TOUCH THE TUSHY ringtones now available for all platforms!!! Go to Gumroad.com/alisonrosen.

Also, our live podfest ep with Doug Benson and Matt Costa is now available!

Wondering how to contact the show and submit your Just Me Or Everyone?

This show is brought to you by Amazon (clear your cookies first and what the hell, make a bookmark!) and Blue Apron and Blinds.com And shop in my Amazon store!

Credits? We have some!

Executive producer: Alison Rosen

Producer: Jeff Fox

Music: Trapp Dog Tom Rapp

Logo: Kezilla

follow @alisonrosen and @ariynbf for updates. Don’t use iTunes? Subscribe to the show’s RSS feed.

ALSO ALSO: like us on Facebook!

And read Alison’s new column!

And  read this review of ARIYNBFand read this article about ARIYNBF and buy the live episode from podfest.

| Posted in Uncategorized, podcast

On Being On The Ass End of the Fertility Curve

Written by Alison | May 29th, 2015 at 6:32 pm | Comments

When you first go to a fertility clinic, which we did on the advice of an OBGYN after six months of trying naturally netted us zero babies, they don’t really diagnose you like you expect they will. Instead they do tests and they try to fix the things they can fix and then when that doesn’t work they make comments in passing about what they think could be causing the infertility while also, when pressed, saying, “It’s probably a combination of things.”

The things it’s a combination of?

1) I  have endometriosis.

2) I had surgery for endometriosis 4 years ago which removed some eggs and may have left scar tissue on my ovaries preventing the fallopian tubes from picking up the eggs. (NOTE: I didn’t realize the surgery might complicate matters to this degree. At the time it seemed my hand was forced because there were masses on my ovaries and they had to rule out cancer which no one really thought it was but surgery was the prudent thing or so I’ve been told. Even my dad who’s the most overprotective father/conservative doctor in the world agreed it was the right call and at the time I was just happy I woke up with a womb still inside me NEVERMIND THAT IT WASN’T FUNCTIONAL AND WAS ONLY ONE OF THOSE TRENDY DECORATIVE WOMBS.)

3) I  have a short luteal phase which means from the time I ovulate to the time my next period starts is shorter than it should be meaning it’s possible I’ve been getting pregnant every month and miscarrying every month although I really don’t think this is likely as I feel like I would know if I were pregnant and it’s my belief that I’ve never once been pregnant.

4) I traded my fertility for a beautiful singing voice and human legs ages ago.

5) I’m one hundred and eleven years old.

6) I had polyps but those were removed and while no one knew if removing them would allow me to get pregnant, they did know that leaving them in would prevent me from getting pregnant except I just talked to two women who had babies while they also had fibroids/polyps so go figure.

But back to this age thing.

For the longest time, I saw myself as something between a whippersnapper and a prodigy. I was an extremely verbal child. I was holding conversations, interviews really, with adults at the age of 3. I wrote for the Los Angeles Times while I was still in high school. I was a professionally published writer all throughout college and I was published in People and Rolling Stone immediately after I graduated. I was in advanced classes and my friends were older and I always fell for older guys. I put an immense amount of stock in being and seeming older than I really was, which in retrospect is a sign of immaturity.

The thing with being so precocious in a professional sense is when something pulls ahead like that, something else probably always lags behind. For me what lagged behind was truly, in earnest, going through all the rites of passage and the stages necessary to become a mature, centered, fully integrated adult. My dating life and social life in general was nascent. Hold while I look up nascent.

Hm. Not sure that’s what I mean. Latent? Hold please.

Yes, that’s more what I mean. Dormant.

“Have you had much experience?” the first guy I ever kissed asked me on the phone a few days later. I was sitting in my childhood bedroom, which is where I lived, chatting on my duck phone which quacked instead of rang. Also, its eyes lit up red. Satan-style. The truth is I never liked that phone (sorry mom/dad!). It smelled like shellac and looked like it belonged in a hunter’s man cave. Before receiving the duck phone as a gift, because I liked all duck-related things, I had a pretty white trimline phone with keys that lit up. That was an attractive phone. But then I received the satanic duck with its brown keys and brown cord and I felt like I had to both use and like it because I’d made a big show of liking ducks. When you’re young what you like is who you are and I was the girl who liked ducks, and so I kept it while my pretty white phone sat unused in the garage.

The phone that got away

Back to the making out. For the record, it did not come naturally. It was very awkward and forced and I feel uncomfortable just thinking about it.

“Oh, I mean, sure I’ve slobbered on guys at parties,” I said as if this were neither a ridiculous nor disgusting thing to say. To me this seemed a perfectly reasonable, entirely fabricated answer suggesting my makeouts with men had happened at such a fast clip I barely could remember one sesh from the next. It was just a blur of lips and, apparently, saliva.

I wish I had access to my parents’ collections of family photos right now so you could take a gander at what I likely looked like as I was having this conversation. A few keywords? Big, frizzy hair, clear braces (clear on top, metal on bottom, natch), black leggings, an oversized shirt or sweatshirt, possibly a felt fedora and in general, fat.

“Huh,” he said. He would later break up with me because I was too “sarcastic” but what I think he meant by that was that I was too “unwilling to have sex.”

It’s not that I was a prude, it’s that I knew my limitations and I was barely able to kiss a guy without seeming like a spastic uncontrollable and unrelatable dork. The idea of ratcheting up the level of intensity up and down the amount of clothing terrified me.

What was I saying?

Oh yes, my friends were dating and beginning to have sex and getting to know themselves and other people and growing and maturing and I was wearing a silly hat a la Blossom and coming up with ways to lie to guys I met at coffeehouses while searching for even bigger and boxier blazers to pair with leggings and chatting on a duck phone.

Speaking of phones, which I just want to do for a few moments longer before returning to all the other stuff, at one point we had a beige cordless phone the size of a baguette. Not the size of a french roll which would be an appropriate size for a phone but I’m talking full on baguette that could serve 7-9 people. If you were talking on this phone and wanted to walk through a doorway you had to turn sideways. It’s possible I’m exaggerating a tiny bit although it’s also possible doorways were narrower. I mean, this was the 1840s when people were 17 pounds and you were lucky to see your 30th birthday and phones were the size of giant baguettes and no one had one in their covered wagon.

Being that this was the 80s, and I was in love with squiggles which you’d know based on my earrings and brooch, I grabbed our family collection of paint pens and metallic markers and besquiggled the fuck out of this phone. By the time I was done it looked like the opening credits of Saved By The Bell. And my parents were totally ok with that. I think they take a lot of heat in my stories for things like yelling a lot when I was young and not telling me I was Jewish until I was in my early 20s but when it came to encouraging expression on phones, they were tops.

So anyway, I guess what I was saying is I seemed mature for my age from a certain vantage point but I was also very behind for my age if you looked at it another way. But I think I still identify with the former so it’s weird to find myself on the ass end of this fertility curve.

I also have a zillion million more things to say and explain regarding my decision not to freeze my eggs, the way I never chose to have kids late in life but maybe refused to make having kids a priority in the way I should have, thoughts about 5 year goals and how my answer was always just “to be happy,” reasons why I didn’t prioritize having kids as I feared that would introduce a whole bunch of desperation into my dating life which I think we’ve established wasn’t going gangbusters and other stuff including but not limited to bangers and fizzies. Actually neither bangers nor anything fizzy (other than my personality and my urine if I’ve been holding it for a loooong time and am letting it out with maximum velocity) will be mentioned but I just felt I needed to rope you in.

Ok, this all will be continued. DON’T GO ANYWHERE.*

*unless you need to. I’m not unreasonable.