Archive for the ‘TV’ Category
Where to see me on TV. Also, when to see me on TV.
Greetings my little yule logs,
I think this might be a repeat of info you already have. But anyway…
Just a note to say I’ll be on Red Eye tonight. So will Jim Norton. Please watch or else Jim will cry. (Red Eye, Fox News Channel, 3am EST, check local listings. This is on Thursday night/Friday morning.)
And then tomorrow morning (Friday morning) I’ll be on The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet talking about how to look ten pounds slimmer for your holiday party. Tip number 1: stand next to a fat person. (OK so that’s not actually one of the tips. It’s just good thinking.)
(Check local listings for Morning Show with Mike & Juliet. It’s on from 9am to 10am in New York on channel 5. You can check local listings here: http://www.mandjshow.com/
Hope you’re staying warm unless you’re in a warm place and then hope you’re staying cool. I guess what I’m really saying is that I hope your holidays are room temperature.
Alison
I’ll be on The Strategy Room tomorrow at 3pm
I’m doing The Strategy Room tomorrow at 3pm. It’s funny because I’m terrible at sports. (It’s a sports show, right?)
You can watch it here tomorrow at 3pm http://www.foxnews.com/strategyroom/
Just kidding, it’s not about sports. It’s about board games.
I’m packing again
I’m packing again to go back to New York in the morning. I finally felt well enough tonight to leave the hotel after shooting. You’re welcome, Toronto. About the show: It’s called Switch and it’ll be airing on TVTropolis in Canada. Hopefully it’ll also air in the US at some point after that. If not, I expect you all to take a trip to Canada to see the episodes I’m on.
Furniture frottage
So I think maybe it gets worse before it gets better because while I feel much saner about the couch these days—meaning I feel like eh, it’s a couch, there are a lot of different colors I could be happy/unhappy with—I will admit that yesterday one of the sales guys at Crate and Barrel caught me surreptitiously lean down and then rub my face against a couch cushion. I had to see how it would feel if I were napping on it! It was a nap test!
But perhaps the way I did it, as if I wanted to get a better look at something and then oops, lost my balance! I seem to have fallen forward and landed on my cheek, I better just sweep to the right before getting up—wasn’t the coolest. And then when the guy looked at me across the store, and he had this expression of horror on his face, I shot him a steely “let’s not tell anyone about this,” look. It’s ok though, because I caught him making a huge furniture faux pas a couple weeks ago. He told me two couches were made by the same manufacturer when they so are not.
You see, I could sell that store’s furniture, that’s how intimately acquainted I am with each line and each collection and each manufacturer and each couch’s cheek feel.
Tomorrow I go to LA for MINI. Then I’m in Orange County for Thanksgiving and my dad’s bday (all his kids and their spouses and kids are coming! I’m bringing three husbands, four kids and a turtle) and then I’m going to Canada to film six episodes of a TV show. I’m not sure which one yet but if I had my choice it would be “You Can’t Do That On Television.”
That’s not true. It would be Facts of Life. I don’t care that it wasn’t filmed in Canada. But I actually do know which show. I just don’t want to tell you because I like to keep secrets from you. It makes me feel important. You know, like I’m on the inside of something and you’re on the outside of it, pressing your face against the glass—or the couch cushion of my heart—begging to be let in. Look, here we are, all of us on this side of the couch cushion having a jolly time and totally knowing the name of the TV show and laughing and saying “aboot” when we mean “about” and paying in dollars that are called dollars but are different! And there you are, alone and confused, wishing you could be included, mumbling something about maple. It’s so sad.
Bio channel whatnot
So I got an email from Bill Schulz’s brother Alfred saying he saw me in a commercial for an upcoming Adam Sandler Biography on the Biography channel. This makes me think this Biography will be airing soon, as that’s how commercials tend to work. For example, that commercial about Zyrtec with that woman who says “You know that song, Time in a Bottle? Well I got it…” and then it you think it’s going to be a commercial about hair dye or something which makes much more sense than allergy medication? I mean, I take Allegra on occasion and I’ve never been like “Holy fuck! What will I do with these extra three hours that I used to devote to sneezing?” Well that commercial means Zyrtec will air soon.
Ok, that was forced and not that funny. Can we go back to how I always want that commercial to be about hair dye because if it covered gray at least it would make sense that it gives you “time in a bottle”? But allergy medicine? I just don’t get it.
Anyway, that wasn’t the point. The point is that I taped Bios for Adam Sandler, Shannon Doherty, Mr. T, The Wahlbergs and one more. Who was it? Hm. Dammit I forget. Maybe if I pop some antihistamines I can go back in time and find out.
Ok, back to the commercial. If your bottle of Zyrtec contained a digital watch tucked into the bottle? That would be time in a bottle. Or if it had a sprig of thyme, even that I could allow. Plus, I bet Zyrtec is in a blister pack anyway, which is a disgusting name.
So keep your eyes peeled for those Biographies. I have no idea how they’re going to chyron me (that’s that little thingerdoodle with the words that says your name and where you’re from.) I don’t recall them asking me. It could be an exciting surprise.
I’ve made a bold decision
I’ve made a bold decision and I’m not even drunk. I’m going to forgo some of the TV makeup tomorrow. I mean, I’ve always felt any makeup at all on this dewy young face of mine is gilding the lily, in fact I used to so frequently refer to it like that that when I would duck into the bathroom at Time Out New York before going on TV my coworker Ethan would say, “Are you gilding the lily?”
I mean, I’m still going to apply the individual fake eyelashes to the outer corners of my lids and I’m still going to pinch my cheeks for a rosy glow. And yes, I’m still going to burn a cork over the spit and then rub the soot around my eyes to make them stand out more and I’ll probably crush up some bugs and rub them on my lips and soak onions in a bowl overnight and then make soup but I’m not going to use the TV foundation, so if I appear to be a freckly mess, that’s why.
Not that I really have that many freckles though. In fact my complexion is somewhere between perfect and flawless, but who knows what could happen on the walk from the train to the paltalk office. For all we know I could sprout freckles. Can you say for sure that it won’t happen? I didn’t think so.
affiliate.