[A word about what I'm wearing: Sometimes I like to put on everything I get for Xmas as I get it, hence the necklace with tags. Also, I like to tie bows around my head as I'm opening. Also, I'm not wearing any makeup in these photos, and how!]

HOW I TAKE COUGH SYRUP

1) First I pour it in a spoon.

2) Next, I swallow it.

3) Then I freak out.

I’ve made a bold decision and I’m not even drunk. I’m going to forgo some of the TV makeup tomorrow. I mean, I’ve always felt any makeup at all on this dewy young face of mine is gilding the lily, in fact I used to so frequently refer to it like that that when I would duck into the bathroom at Time Out New York before going on TV my coworker Ethan would say, “Are you gilding the lily?”

I mean, I’m still going to apply the individual fake eyelashes to the outer corners of my lids and I’m still going to pinch my cheeks for a rosy glow. And yes, I’m still going to burn a cork over the spit and then rub the soot around my eyes to make them stand out more and I’ll probably crush up some bugs and rub them on my lips and soak onions in a bowl overnight and then make soup but I’m not going to use the TV foundation, so if I appear to be a freckly mess, that’s why.

Not that I really have that many freckles though. In fact my complexion is somewhere between perfect and flawless, but who knows what could happen on the walk from the train to the paltalk office. For all we know I could sprout freckles. Can you say for sure that it won’t happen? I didn’t think so.

Ironically, my first thought upon receiving the new five dollar bill with its eggplant hued frippery was, “Is this counterfeit?”