Archive for the ‘nuts’ Category
You guys, I’m going to a cookie party and I need an award-winning cookie recipe.
A cookie party, for those unfamiliar, is where a bunch of bored suburbanites get together and eat cookies and then have sex with each other and then eat more cookies. In between all the crazy sex, or instead of it really, there will be a cookie contest and I pretty much need to win it because I’m a sore loser. In 1983 I won a trophy for “good sportsmanship” at tennis camp and I took it and smashed it into a million little pieces because what I heard was “here’s your trophy for shitty tennis playing.” And then when I was 10 I came in fourth place or maybe sixth place in pony showmanship at the horrible summer camp I went to and actually I didn’t care at all, I just wanted to get the hell out of that camp and I was sick of the way the pony kept pushing me into chain link fences (truly. the pony wasn’t “broken” entirely which is upsetting terminology but that’s the language of equestrian whatnot. Anyway, this short but spirited four legged menace was half wild pony and half demon and it kept pushing me into various obstacles on our walk from the barn to the show ring) which is to say I was surprised I placed and won a ribbon at all.
And then before I won some first place press club awards for my writing I won some second and third place awards which are dead to me.
I think you see what I’m driving at: I need some dynamic cookies. Cookies that are charismatic and win you over and possibly perform feats of amazing carbohydrate wonder. What if I told you this cookie could peck out yankee doodle on a tiny piano? Exactly.
So if you happen to be sitting on a recipe do send that over or put it in the comments, won’t you?
And allow me to come clean on two fronts: I didn’t really smash the good sportsmanship trophy. And there probably won’t be an orgy at the cookie party.
Oh goodness, I’ve totally crossed over into not safe for work waters, huh?
Anyway, I should be doing pre-Red Eye things but I just noticed the views were tipped in a certain direction on YouTube.
Oh and someone named Sooper Trev started a Facebook group dedicated to this most [some funny word here] of [something else funny.]
I kind of wish this was a video of us holding cashews but it isn’t. It’s a primer on the delicate art of nut fondling, filmed when we couldn’t stop laughing. Warning: immature adult content. [Allow me to add that there is no actual nut fondling nor even any nuts in this video. Grody!]
And by the way, this is only one of two awesome nut-related videos we shot.
Readers, hello! New York is cold as nuts and it’s not the weather I’m talking about, it’s the way I haven’t written anything on this blog today which has left you feeling out-of-sorts and dare I say, bereft. I do, I do dare say it. I dared it and said it and now I have to move on. Too much wallowing.
I should go to sleep which I planned to do 37 minutes ago but it took me 37 minutes to figure out what New York is as cold as. Nuts? It doesn’t even make sense unless you keep your nuts in the freezer.
I don’t though. I put them under my pillow so I can have crunchy dreams. I also shove shellfish, soy and traces of chocolate under there as a precautionary measure in case anyone with food allergies tries to attack me in my sleep.