Archive for the ‘gravy’ Category
An Open Letter to My Sister Who Is At A Hockey Game Which Is Weird Since I Don’t Think She Likes Hockey That Much But Hey, I Could Be Wrong
So last night I logged on to my computer and went to Facebook and was surprised to see I had a bunch of messages and requests since I hardly ever use Facebook but anyway I approved a few requests, surprised that a couple of them were from people who know YOU, but then sometimes your friends track me down and also, we sometimes share friends just like we “share” a computer and by that I mean you check your email on my computer often, which I am totally okay with, in fact often I will tell you to look at my computer because there is a particularly cute Tobey video on there, etc. ANYWAY, after approving a few friends and adding an application because what the hell, right, I realized that this was YOUR profile I was logged in as—you must have been on there earlier and not signed out. Surprise, you have some new friends and an application! Also, you might be a member of a club. Let me know how that goes!
Because you never miss an opportunity to get three sheets to the wind, which incidentally is a sailing term, sailor, I was going to recommend you take your enlarged liver and ruddy, bulbous nose to a wine festival, but then I realized that actually that wine festival is tomorrow, which leaves you with precious little to do tonight. Fear not, my prize melons! Tonight you’ll be tapping, high-kicking, macarena-ing, hustling, sprinklering, cutting the deck, and shuffling, cabbage patching and more at Midsummer Night Swing at 6:30 at Lincoln Center. Now, I should warn you that I’m a horrendous liar—an horrendous liar to be exact—and so really you’ll just be swinging and salsaing and doing that thing where you stand in place and bop around like you did to Def Leppard in seventh grade. But if you were to unleash a little Roger Rabbiting, I can’t imagine it would be greeted with anything but amazement, because your moves are magnetic, which is why I’d appreciate it if you’d stay away from my hard drive.